'The Finest Five' Category

Video Exclusive: Bobby Boswell vs The Finest 5

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Bobby Boswell, shortlist finalist and D.C. United defender has gone on record exclusively for Kickette with his thoughts on the Finest Five list.

If you’re unfamiliar with Mr. Boswell, let us fill you in on his many talents: he’s tall, he’s up for a laugh (obviously, if he’s agreed to this), and he made our ‘videographer’ too weak in the knees to film the bloody interview properly or use any form of focus with the camera.  Oh, and he knows the appropriate use of the word ‘minger‘.

Alas, Bobby still sits outside the our top 5, largely due to his refusal to conduct the interview with his shirt off.  Guess he didn’t want it bad enough.

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The Hot Hall Of Fame

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THE KICKETTE HALL OF FAME

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David Beckham, LA Galaxy

There is no other. Becks is, quite simply, the sexiest man on the pitch. His success, his willingness to experiment with his personal style and take risks, his sweet spot kicks, his ability to rise like a buff, chiseled phoenix and prove naysayers wrong – all tick the box for us. Fatherhood suits him better than Armani. And we hate to admit it, but all those stories about his affairs? Makes him hotter: he is fallable and driven by lust. And insanely rich. He’s the living nummies.


Fabio Cannavaro, Real Madrid
Italy is a country full of the suave, stylish and seductively-accented, yet for us, Fabs is head and shoulders above the rest. It’s the twinkle in his eye and his claim to the best booty in Europe. (Trust us, we’ve checked). He’s a fantastic defender. Oh, and he has a hot brother, Paolo. That counts for a lot in our books.

Freddie Ljungberg, West Ham
Naysayers will point out that Mr. L is losing the battle to retain a full head of hair; we say it’s the testosterone overload from his manly manliness that is the cause. And we admit, Freddie’s aging has caused us to question the status of his place on our list – when so many younger ballers are vying for a placement. But how many footie players have been very successful models for Calvin Klein? Who can attest to that level of sizzle? Who else can rock tightie whities like that? No one, dagnabit. No one.

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The Finest Five: It’s Official

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It’s the culmination of our life’s work. It is the reason we were put on this earth.  And it is good.

So, who made Kickette’s Finest Five cut?  If think you can handle the hotness, come on in.

THE FINEST FIVE*

1. Iker Casillas, Real Madrid

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If we weren’t unilingual and proud, we would be taking an evening Spanish class just so we could say ‘Dios Que Hombre!‘ whilst fanning ourselves, looking heavenward and squealing like an idiotette.  He’s immensely talented, he acts a little barmy when tending goal, ( you know we love us some crazy), and his profile is the ish.  Iker rockets to the top spot on our list on the strength of his jawline alone.

Link: Beckham v Casillas – Pepsi ad

2. Cesc Fabregas, Arsenal

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The Cesc-appreciation is a new thing for us, and is mainly due to his ongoing commitment to improving his hair.  We like him a little rougher around the edges – longer sideburns, not so coiffed, please and thank you.  Shaggy sexy, yes; man-headband or mullet, hell no.  We require our midfielders to be tough tackling and strong, like this man.  Also, Cesc looks like he could make a mean omelette.  In the morning. After all the sex.

3. Cristiano Ronaldo, Manchester United

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We can’t help ourselves with C-Ron.  We want to be over him, but we can’t let go.  Perhaps it’s because his body is, hands down, the best in the biz.  It doesn’t hurt that he’s a fantastic striker, and the fact that he doesn’t give a shite what other people think of him is sexy. He’s like the slickster guy you meet when you go on holiday -  he may have spent longer getting dolled up than you did, he may be cocky and carry a man bag, but your basest instinct is that buying what he is selling will be a good thing.  Even as he trips a waitress over at the bar and then winks at his boys, you just can’t help yourself. It’s on.

4. Xabi Alonso Liverpool

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Liverpool’s Xabi Alonso is a long-time fav of ours.  He may have a nose that some have labelled ‘bulbous’, but we see the larger sized snoz as a necessity. If his nose was perfect Xabi would be too dangerous to mere mortals.  It’s for our own safety.  Plus, we like to imagine that his nose ended up less than perfection after he got in a scrappy fist fight with his mate Cesc Fabregas.  The cause of the dispute? Our love, obviously.

5. Kasper Schmeichel, Manchester City

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A week ago, he wasn’t even on our radar – nor the shortlist.  But we’re crushing on Kasper, and crushing hard.  We know he is a Danish embryo.  We are aware he was quite possibly still in nappies a few months’ ago.  But we adore the blonde on blonde looks and can sense a star on the horizon.  Sure, the potential for him to behave like a badly trained puppy is a potential problem, but for now, Baby S is on the list.  Please don’t call child services on us.

THE KICKETTE HALL OF FAME

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David Beckham, LA Galaxy
There is no other.  Becks is, quite simply, the sexiest man on the pitch.  His success, his willingness to experiment with his personal style and take risks, his sweet spot kicks, his ability to rise like a buff, chiseled phoenix and prove naysayers wrong – all tick the box for us.  Fatherhood suits him better than Armani.  And we hate to admit it, but all those stories about his affairs? Makes him hotter: he is fallable and driven by lust.  And insanely rich.  He’s the living nummies.


Fabio Cannavaro, Real Madrid
Italy is a country full of the suave, stylish and seductively-accented, yet for us, Fabs is head and shoulders above the rest.  It’s the twinkle in his eye and his claim to the best booty in Europe. (Trust us, we’ve checked).  He’s a fantastic defender.  Oh, and he has a hot brother, Paolo.  That counts for a lot in our books.

Freddie Ljungberg, West Ham
Naysayers will point out that Mr. L is losing the battle to retain a full head of hair; we say it’s the testosterone overload from his manly manliness that is the cause.  And we admit, Freddie’s aging has caused us to question the status of his place on our list – when so many younger ballers are vying for a placement.  But how many footie players have been very successful models for Calvin Klein? Who can attest to that level of sizzle? Who else can rock tightie whities like that? No one, dagnabit.  No one.

READER FAVS…

After so many dedicated responses to our questions about who your finest five would be, it’s only fair we show a little love to those that you love.  Because we love you.  Here are just a few…

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Alan Smith, John Terry, Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard
Link: Love Lamps – Shortlist Published Without My Frankie

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Fernando Torres, Kaka

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Luis Garcia, Jens Lehmann, Xabi Alonso, Crouchie

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Adrian Mutu, Carlos Bocanegra, Bobby Boswell, Dijibril Cisse

* Signifies the Finest Five ballers of the moment. This list is subject to change at any time, in particular if the named player messes with their hair, grows a moustache or does something to annoy the crap out of us, ie scores an own goal or wears plaid trousers.

The Finest Five: The Shortlist Continues

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We really had our work cut out with updating this bloody Finest Five list.

Now look Kickettes: before you spam us with your faulty/ delusional/ obsessive reasoning for Jens, JT, Crouchie or anyone else we personally find subpar, remember, this is just our opinion.  In crazed-fan-retaliation, please do not break into the Kickette offices and set alight our many lifesized David Beckham cardboard cutouts.  That would make us extremely peturbed. 

We can see the potential for many of your favs, in particular the thunder thighs of Lamps or the delectable abs on Smudger, but the physical attraction ends there. Mark Gonzalez is sizzle, but too short. Until Daniel De Ridder sorts his hair, he will be erased from our existence. Same to you, Fernando Torres – we see great potential, but we hate your current ‘do. 

imageOne final note on Steven Gerrard.  We’ve never seen the attraction – no matter how many of you adore him. We appreciate the thighs, sure, and the accent works for him, but he has the smallest forehead in the country.  And it’s wrinkled. 

However: after seeing his spectacularly sexy free kick against Aston Villa at the start of the season… we saw the hotness – for one brief, shining moment, we got the Gerrard-love. 

But now it’s gone.

Anyhoo, here’s our shortlist of our Finest Five in the leagues, in no particular order:

Cesc Fabregas
Xabi Alonso
Iker Casilas
Carlos Bocanegro
Kaka
Cristiano
Adrian Mutu
Dijibril Cisse
Becks
Fabio Cannavaro
Joe Cole
Carlo Cudicini
Bobby Boswell
Freddie Ljungerg
Florent Maluda

Official Finest Five to be revealed on Thursday, with full explanations. Further to everyone’s requests, we will be having a “Hall of Fame” and “Fugliest” category also.  Because we’re serious about football like that.

The Finest Five: The Shortlist Review…

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… is in session.  We expect to have some definitive updates soon. We just need to look at a few more photos/games in HD and stalk a few more players’ lounges.

It’s rather telling, we think, that the most popular post in Kickette history is the one that asks who the best looking player in the game is

It’s why we do what we do, dear Kickettes.  To everyone who commented, continues to comment, scoures to globe for players we need to know about, and mistakenly calls out the name, “Kaka!“ when in bed with their partner, we are forever bonded to you. Pinky swear, stamped it, double-oxted it.

Now we must get back to compiling our Finest Five shortlist.  We’ve narrowed it down to double digits.  And yes, it might just involve you, Carlos Bocanegra.