It’s the culmination of our life’s work. It is the reason we were put on this earth. And it is good.
So, who made Kickette’s Finest Five cut? If think you can handle the hotness, come on in.
THE FINEST FIVE*
1. Iker Casillas, Real Madrid
If we weren’t unilingual and proud, we would be taking an evening Spanish class just so we could say ‘Dios Que Hombre!‘ whilst fanning ourselves, looking heavenward and squealing like an idiotette. He’s immensely talented, he acts a little barmy when tending goal, ( you know we love us some crazy), and his profile is the ish. Iker rockets to the top spot on our list on the strength of his jawline alone.
Link: Beckham v Casillas – Pepsi ad
2. Cesc Fabregas, Arsenal
The Cesc-appreciation is a new thing for us, and is mainly due to his ongoing commitment to improving his hair. We like him a little rougher around the edges – longer sideburns, not so coiffed, please and thank you. Shaggy sexy, yes; man-headband or mullet, hell no. We require our midfielders to be tough tackling and strong, like this man. Also, Cesc looks like he could make a mean omelette. In the morning. After all the sex.
3. Cristiano Ronaldo, Manchester United
We can’t help ourselves with C-Ron. We want to be over him, but we can’t let go. Perhaps it’s because his body is, hands down, the best in the biz. It doesn’t hurt that he’s a fantastic striker, and the fact that he doesn’t give a shite what other people think of him is sexy. He’s like the slickster guy you meet when you go on holiday - he may have spent longer getting dolled up than you did, he may be cocky and carry a man bag, but your basest instinct is that buying what he is selling will be a good thing. Even as he trips a waitress over at the bar and then winks at his boys, you just can’t help yourself. It’s on.
4. Xabi Alonso Liverpool
Liverpool’s Xabi Alonso is a long-time fav of ours. He may have a nose that some have labelled ‘bulbous’, but we see the larger sized snoz as a necessity. If his nose was perfect Xabi would be too dangerous to mere mortals. It’s for our own safety. Plus, we like to imagine that his nose ended up less than perfection after he got in a scrappy fist fight with his mate Cesc Fabregas. The cause of the dispute? Our love, obviously.
5. Kasper Schmeichel, Manchester City
A week ago, he wasn’t even on our radar – nor the shortlist. But we’re crushing on Kasper, and crushing hard. We know he is a Danish embryo. We are aware he was quite possibly still in nappies a few months’ ago. But we adore the blonde on blonde looks and can sense a star on the horizon. Sure, the potential for him to behave like a badly trained puppy is a potential problem, but for now, Baby S is on the list. Please don’t call child services on us.
THE KICKETTE HALL OF FAME
David Beckham, LA Galaxy
There is no other. Becks is, quite simply, the sexiest man on the pitch. His success, his willingness to experiment with his personal style and take risks, his sweet spot kicks, his ability to rise like a buff, chiseled phoenix and prove naysayers wrong – all tick the box for us. Fatherhood suits him better than Armani. And we hate to admit it, but all those stories about his affairs? Makes him hotter: he is fallable and driven by lust. And insanely rich. He’s the living nummies.
Fabio Cannavaro, Real Madrid
Italy is a country full of the suave, stylish and seductively-accented, yet for us, Fabs is head and shoulders above the rest. It’s the twinkle in his eye and his claim to the best booty in Europe. (Trust us, we’ve checked). He’s a fantastic defender. Oh, and he has a hot brother, Paolo. That counts for a lot in our books.
Freddie Ljungberg, West Ham
Naysayers will point out that Mr. L is losing the battle to retain a full head of hair; we say it’s the testosterone overload from his manly manliness that is the cause. And we admit, Freddie’s aging has caused us to question the status of his place on our list – when so many younger ballers are vying for a placement. But how many footie players have been very successful models for Calvin Klein? Who can attest to that level of sizzle? Who else can rock tightie whities like that? No one, dagnabit. No one.
After so many dedicated responses to our questions about who your finest five would be, it’s only fair we show a little love to those that you love. Because we love you. Here are just a few…
Alan Smith, John Terry, Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard
Link: Love Lamps – Shortlist Published Without My Frankie
Fernando Torres, Kaka
Luis Garcia, Jens Lehmann, Xabi Alonso, Crouchie
Adrian Mutu, Carlos Bocanegra, Bobby Boswell, Dijibril Cisse
* Signifies the Finest Five ballers of the moment. This list is subject to change at any time, in particular if the named player messes with their hair, grows a moustache or does something to annoy the crap out of us, ie scores an own goal or wears plaid trousers.