'The Finest Five' Category

Pepsi Max Pose Off: Carlos Bocanegra vs. Jozy Altidore & Maurice Edu

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USMNT

We’re aware that Clint Dempsey was there too, but we omitted him from the comp because his bedroom eyes weren’t staring straight at us. Or the camera. Either way. Oh and, soz about the quality of pics. We figured you could all get past it for the sake of our opinion sourcing post. Image Credit: Twitter & Tumblr.

Today’s USMNT carbonated beverage pose off is a battle between brawn and bromance. At left, we have Carlos Bocanegra looking as American as a cherry tree just before it’s picked and processed into pie. And those arms? Strong enough to carry five grannies in each across the street. His silent but deadly stance has even inspired us to start recycling next year. Go us.

Jozy Altidore and Maurice Edu are playing the devil’s advocates to Boca’s camera lighting heavenly halo in their still frame on the right, which we have mixed feelings about. Jozy is clearly a contemplative thinker type, and we’re wondering what he’s thinking about or if it’s us. Edu, on the other hand, blatantly isn’t. He’s actually quite unapologetic in his hot playa position, which we’re not totally hatin’. However, if their objective was to tag team that photographer’s lens in naked unison, then we’re hard pressed to find any angles that illustrate their spoils of victory.

Is Carlos winning your vote with his ‘less is more’ attitude, or is it double your pleasure, fun and pimp juice with Jozy and Maurice for you?

Product Shill: Aitor Ocio For CK One Shock Cologne

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Aitor Ocio at the CK one Shock launch

Finest Five member, Aitor Ocio, smiled pretty and did his spokesmanly duty at the CK One ‘Shock’ launch in Madrid yesterday. We highly recommend taking a moment (or an hour) to look at all of the photos from the launch, they’re the best distraction on this Thursday morning. Image Credit: Divinity.

Weekend Results: Traumatised Torsos

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Image: AP Photo/Daniele Badolato; Dan Istitene/Getty Images Europe.

Early in the season it’s difficult for players to work themselves into sufficient frenzy to rip their shirts off and run around the pitch in merriment. Not so much at stake, y’see.

But fortunately for ab connossieurs like our good selves, trauma and disappointment also evoke a need to bury noses in polyester. So if you’re commiserating your team’s loss this weekend, just remember: every shirt has a silver (ish) lining.

Happy grazing.

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Product Shill: Cesc Fabregas For PUMA Football

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Image Credit: PUMA Football.

Without naming names and making a certain someone feel more uncomfortable than he already looks, somebody got the short end of the promo modeling stick.

Good lord what have they done to his hair? And furrowed brow? We feel awkward for him.

Because we can’t have any member of our Finest Five looking this unattractive in broad, publicly accessible daylight, there’s only one thing left to do that doesn’t involving Googling “Marco Borriello on a boat” pictures.

Kickettes, please excuse us while we take some alone time for ourselves. We have a lot of prep work to do (read: kick off our heels, mix a dozen spiked apple ciders) before our Mayhem and Fruit Beverages Suite ladies perform an emergency Cesc-orcism and free this man’s hawt body from the fugly inner demons that appear to be troubling him.

Carlos Bocanegra: Style Star

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Abs are always in style. Image via AP Photo/Daylife.

As we were dutifully informed by several members of the Kickette Army yesterday, Carlos Bocanegra has been named one of the 25 most stylish Latino-Americans by Complex Magazine. We’ve always known that ‘Los has style, mostly in the form of muscles and whatnot. It turns out that one of the newest members of The Finest Five can also wear clothes pretty darn well. Who knew?

Join us now for a retrospective of Carlos’ best looks. There will be more skin. We promise.

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