No cheating, Kickettes!

The title race is heating up across several of the domestic leagues, which means so should our Man Candy detectors.

Except they’re not.

Seems they’re having a bit of technical difficulty picking up on their targets, if you know what we mean.

Images: AFP PHOTO / JOHN MACDOUGALL; AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth; REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo.

Now, we love us some opaque tights and woolly jumpers in the winter just as much as the next group of good-looking girls, so long as we’re the ones wearing them.

We do take serious, serious issue with the crazy-making spandex players are wearing to combat the cold, however. Best left in the reject dressing rooms on the Pineapple Dance Studios reality show, we honestly can’t think of any circumstance or weather condition where they should be worn.

Here’s why: nowadays, players are young and of much potential. Not sure who is feeding them what, but they certainly are growing up rather strong and large of thigh. So then, why should they hide all signs of their smokin’ hot manskin beneath 16 layers of the unsexiest lycra money can buy?

Do you realise and appreciate the importance of keeping one’s nether regions warm and comfortable? Or are you an adventurous type of bystander who thrives on the excitement of flesh flashing? Tell us or our poll how you’re feeling, Kickettes.

It happens to the best of us.

Well, not us personally, but it does occur nonetheless.

The gradual decline of attractiveness is a peculiar one, and we have to admit we’ve felt it happening to one of our former beloved ‘ballers, Wayne Bridge.

Sure, his career has been nothing short of sinking ship, playing for three teams in as many years since parting ways with Chelsea FC. Lest we forget what could be cited as the source for all of his side switching as well his decision to quit the England NT – the supposed love triangle he, his baby momma Vanessa P and his longtime team-mate John Terry were wrangled into. Though Wayne’s been looking more chipper (and cuter) ever since he got together with Frankie Sandford, didn’t he look waaaay better than what you see before you?

Yes; here, here, and here, for a start.

Ah, ‘tis always so sad when you lose the love for a former crush. It’s like discovering how the bloke your heart used to go pitter patter for in year seven now has sideburns and multiple Facebook photo albums of his pet cats. It hurts, damn it.

Are we in agreement, Kickettes? Or do we need to give Bridgey time to adjust to his new Sunderland surroundings before winning our love back?

Do you fancy men keeping their eyes open or closed whilst locked in a lovingly bromantic embrace?

It’s a serious question that deserves serious answers, Kickettes.

Siena coach Giuseppe Sannino and his cleft chin. Images: Dino Panato/Getty Images Europe; AP Photo/Jon Super.

Chin dimples. Chindentations. Butt chins. Whatever you choose to call it, there’s no denying that cleft chins are a unique facial accessory.

Per an obligatory scientific explanation, cleft chins are defined as: “a Y-shaped fissure on the chin with an underlying bony peculiarity. The chin fissure follows the fissure in the lower jaw bone resulted from the incomplete fusion of the left and right halves of the jaw bone, or muscle, during the embryonal and fetal development.”

Footballers (and some managers) are pretty much genetic marvels by nature, so it’s not all too surprising to see several of them sport this ‘peculiarity’.

Kickettes, do you find cleft chins to be cute or cringeworthy? And which is worse in your humble opinions: a cleft chin or a double chin?

Sergio knows just how much of a burden being pretty can really be. We’re lucky we’re so plain. Images via Hola! magazine.

Sergio Ramos and Lara Alvarez were papped being all cutesy in Rome over the holidays – cutesy like how Zac Effron and Vanessa Hudgens used to be during their ‘High School Musical’ days prior to Vanessa’s nude photos being splashed all over the internet.

Sometimes, after one too many whiskey sours, we like to sit back and have a think about a much different kind of Sergio Ramos. In our dreams, he always plays the role of a rough and ready night rider with a mean shirtless streak and a fondness for corner restaurant booths upholstered in rabbit fur.

How about you, Kickettes? Assuming your minds wander off at all sorts of times during your days too, what kind of character void do you most often dream about The Ramos fulfilling?

Image: Getty Images.

During a particularly heavy planning session in the Kickette office last night, it came to our attention that one of our staffers has been hiding an odd kind of crush from the rest of the group.

For the general purposes of fun and mockery, we set about her like coyotes on a cadaver, until she fessed up.

Phil Jones. Hot or not?  Images: AP Photo/Jon Super.

She likes defenders. You know, those bulky guys who don’t get past the halfway line too often, preferring instead to hang-out in the dingy environs of the 18-yard box, taking out anyone with the temerity to try and score a goal.

Others may call them fugly. We prefer anti-pretty.

So, Kickettes. Are you a secret back-line boy aficionado? Is a willingness to place one’s face into the path of a rapidly approaching cleat/ball/knee more appealing to you than your typical twinkle-toed striker? Why?

And while we’re on the subject, are any of you harbouring any other ‘odd’ lusty feelings? Perhaps you had a kinky dream about Carlos Tevez, and while you realise how disturbing it was, you still feel a little fizzy when you see photos of him on the golf course?

Tell us everything, dear readers. Consider it cathartic.

Tearing clothes is wrong, Kickettes. There are numerous facilities for the disposal of used clothing that can benefit the less fortunate in our society. We cannot and will not condone the wanton ripping of perfectly good er… (what the hell is that on his head, anyway?) garments for the sake of temporary warmth and/or fashion statement purposes.

We’re not sure which of these Fernando Torres is attempting in this photo, taken by a brave soul at Chelsea’s open training session yesterday. But we have to confess, despite the ‘Elizabethan ruff’ look to the homemade snood bit, plus the fact that we keep thinking about Hilda Ogden when we look at the headscarf thing, Nandina still looks hot.

He does.

We have been at the cooking sherry this morning though. Perhaps that’s thrown our radar off. You think?

MF, you like tennis? SO.DO.WE! Image taken in Milan, Italy on 03.12.2011.

This man needs to do two simple things to keep us happy and interested in him:

1. Come out in public more often.

2. Leave his gal pal at home more often.

We sure ain’t getting any younger, Matteo, so you need to snap out of this reclusion funk and get your silky smooth booty to street stepping. You can window shop whilst there for all we care. As long as your skinny jeans cling to your thighs for dear life in between strides, you won’t find us complaining.

‘Who, me?’ The reality of being identified as a Level 1 Hottie hits home for Olivier when five hundred rampant Tetu readers (plus a couple of well-informed Kickette staffers) turn up and request unsolicited snuggles. Cheers to @Philby1976 for the tip!

We thought we had the inside track on controversial decisions involving the relative hotness of French players. Luckily, Olivier Giroud has just been voted ‘Sexiest Player Of The Year’ in French mag Tetu, which takes the heat off us while we pretend the Finest Five list isn’t in need of an update for at least another three months.

Since Tetu’s poll went live on the 20th of November, Olivier took the lead and never looked back in the standings. He finished with a strong 33% of the vote, controversially beating out Lyon’s Lisandro Lopez (10%), Lille OSC’s Mathieu Debuchy (7%) and PSG’s Kevin Gameiro (5%). For a full list of results, see here. Before our Kickettes cry foul at the absence of Lashes (you know you’re good at that), you should know that he wasn’t eligible due to his previous reign over this title two years ago. M’kay?

Anyhoo, as the 2011 Sexiest Player of The Year, Olivier gets to assume the position, crown and sash from fellow hottie and France international Adil Rami, who won in 2010.

Dubbed the ‘French David Beckham’ by his own domestic press, we’d just like to remind you that we always knew Giroud was a hot piece of ass. At the ripe age of 25-years-old, he’s got many miles left on his abs that we promise to put to good use at every turn possible.

Damn, it feels good to have at least one of our many ‘stances’ justified by a strong and vocal contingent of males and females alike.