'The Sizzle Query' Category

The Sizzle Query: To Cut, Or Not To Cut?


Concentrate on the hair, please. Getty Images/Zimbio.

With a pony tailed Andy Carroll scoring an impressive double in last night’s Liverpool game vs. Manchester City, not to mention the ‘positive’ response that the somewhat cute photo of Edinson Cavani prompted in yesterday’s ‘View From The Sidelines‘ post, we figured it is time to tackle the question of long hair on ‘ballers once and for all.


Bayern Munich: No Risk, No Reward?


Image taken 2nd April, 2011.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, so we hear they say.

More often than not, as you can probably attest, we prefer taking the easier way out. We do wonder, though, if in a year from now, we’ll find ourselves agonising over all the times this site fell short of your skin expectations. ‘Don’t carpe diem on the carpet’ is our HQ’s mantra, used to weigh up which gossip, news and pectoral muscles merit your time and attention. People, places or things such as Franck Ribéry’s mere existence normally provides ample reason to skip the story sharing, but to hell with him today.

It’s obvious Ribéry isn’t high on our list of footballers who are worthy of appearing alongside well-oiled men like Mario Gomez and Luiz Gustavo. Just this once, however, are we willing to throw off the fugly bowlines in a 4-for-2 tents and torsos special.

Your vision may be blurred due to our irrational choices, but with the body part odds heavily in our favour, we couldn’t resist the temptation. Now that you’ve had the pleasure of observing Gomez and Gustavo’s lower halves have a good time with one another, would you agree or argue our point that Ribéry’s photobombing tendencies was worth the risk?

Would You? Eric Lichaj, USMNT


Eric Lichaj trains with the USMNT in October 2010. Definite thigh potential detected. Image source: AP Photo/Daylife.

If there’s one thing we can take from International friendlies, it’s the opportunity to become acquainted with some hot new faces that we may otherwise not notice. Thank you, FIFA.

Stemming from our call-for-USMNT arms and legs, today we’ve got defender Eric Lichaj (prn. Leehigh) to pass around for inspection. This tall, dark, farmer’s tanned man currently plays his club football with Leeds United, on loan from Aston Villa since earlier this year. Capped by the USMNT three times, we’ve got hope that this midwestern cutie sees his fair share of future chances since we can never resist a good pair of deep-set eyes and bulging calf muscles.

Image source: avfc.co.uk.

Although a quick Google trawl produces some concerning results in the hair department, he’s thankfully sorted his barnet by now. While we still need to explore his contribution to our abdominal department in further detail, early results indicate that we would.

Why the heck not, right Kickettes?

Would You? Martin Vingaard, FC Copenhagen


Would You danish midfielder

Image: sporten.dk. Cheers, Elsebeth!

Ladies and gents, we’re pleased to present Martin Vingaard for your Wednesday afternoon treat.  This great Dane is both tall and age-appropriate, so no need to internalise your guilty, pervtastic feelings today.

We first salivated over Mr. Vingaard after seeing him emerge fresh-faced from the snoozefest that was last week’s Champions League tie between his team and Chelsea. Follow-up instructions called for a closer, slower inspection, and…well…it was all downhill from there. Amid the cocktail chaos, one staffer went as far as her beer tower tall to proclaim how, with a little more blood and robot grease, Vingaard could be a darkhorse contender for a refreshed Finest Five list.

Image: Nils Meilvang.

Yowsers. With that, let’s cut to the chase: his positives include being multi-dimensionally hawt (smile + stare = win) his tongue and his inability to hold back when it counts.  The negatives? Just one – over time, it appears, Martin’s head has had a hard time choosing between the next-to-nothing bald buzz before giving fully-erect follicles a go. It’s a minor blemish on his criminally cute record, but for all intensive purposes, we’ll be monitoring his super-sprouting strands-on-command closely.

So what’ll it be, Kickettes – a resounding ‘yay’? Or do you think he needs a few more miles on the clock before joining the ranks of the fine and talented?

Flashing Footballers: Full Disclosure Or Barely There Exposure?


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The best manbits expose themselves around 0:27. First spotted on WAATP.

Objectifying professional sportsmen on lists like our Finest Five can be mentally taxing. In between offering valid critiques and milling about in a base layer-bored manner for the past 4.5 years, we’ve somehow remain unscathed in our naughty pleasure pursuits. And let’s be honest: nowhere else in the world would you ever find such important, relevant news.

So in a similar vein of self praise, please stop whatever you’re doing.  We’re asking the tough questions about flashing footballers today, folks, and hell yeah do we have pictorial proof.