'The Sizzle Query' Category

The Sizzle Query: Branko ‘Bish’ Boskovic, D.C. United


New signing Branko Boskovic #27 of D.C. United during an MLS match against Seattle Sounders FC at RFK Stadium on July 15 2010, in Washington DC.Seattle won 1-0.

Image via DC United.

sounds off on early hook DCU new signingWe spend our working lives testing the impact of asshattery on our affections, and in the grand scheme of things, Branko Boskovic’s bitching about being picked (or not) for D.C. United is nothing more than a tiny chink in his fetching love armour. Especially since he scored in DC’s victory over Chivas USA not too long ago, which kind of proved his point.

However, this kind of thing can escalate. Right now it’s whining because he keeps getting subbed, but we can visualise the future clearly. Moaning about having to wear what we tell him to, bitching on about our ambitious credit card bills, grumbling as he drives us to our daily mani/pedi treatment in the super expensive sports car we made him buy.

Is that face worth the bother, Kickettes? Or would you sacrifice a little smoothness for a better behaved ‘baller boy?

First Look: Stuart Holden The Shirtless Super Hero For Howler Magazine


bolton wanderers stuart holden no holden back USMNT soccer player hot footballer injured injury

Photograph by Andrew Hetherington.

Damn it must feel good to be Karalyn West.

ICYMI: Howler Magazine is a brand new footy mag containing roughly +100 pages of original writing, humour, op-eds plus beautiful illustrations and photography. Emphasis on beautiful photography.

Shameless plug: since the pub’s editor was gracious enough to give you, our lovely and loyal readers, a sneak peek at Stu’s feature from issue one (we’ve been promised “several” more of where the above came from as well), do us a favour and order your copy of Howler Magazine’s first issue now. It might be wise to add a yearly subscription to your Crimbo wish lists, too. Either way, you should buy Howler for the sole purpose of objectifying Stu Holden the Super Hero.

Trust us, Kickettes. We’d never steer you wrong in matters as important and life changing as this.

Oguchi Onyewu: He’s Happy, He Knows It And We’re Grateful That He Shows It


He’s so excited to be a Malaga player, we’re so excited that his eight pack abs are TK.

Obviously this photo begs two questions:

1) At what point on the happy meter does Gooch need to reach for his trousers to come off?

2) How long do we have to keep hitting refresh on his Twitter feed to find out?

Dimitar Berbatov: Man On Fire


It’s Labor Day in America today, so we want to wish our US Kickettes whatever salutation is in accordance with this paid day off from work! We’ve decided to limit our labour today as well, so Weekend Results will be posted tomorrow.

In other news, the dignified Dimitar Berbatov finally has his smokin’ hot groove back. Hurray!

Take Your Pick: Treatment Table Totty


Gimp walkers, fear not. We still have love for you! Image: CHRISTOF STACHE/AFP/GettyImages.

As we head into one of the more exciting parts of the footie season, let’s take a moment to think of the many players who can only sit injured and frustrated on the sidelines.

From Jack Wilshere to Chris Smalling, through Martin Caceres and Julio Baptista, the list of cuties without a presence on the pitch offers plenty to choose from. Naturally, we’re waiting in the wings ready to don our nurse’s uniforms once we get the go ahead, but rehabilitating the injury-cursed back to health can’t be a one-staff show.

There’s more than enough players in plaster needing your tender love and care to go around – some may even comply with your backless hospital gown requests. So who gets your vote for the hottest hurtie on the treatment table?