After the lively discussion that started last week with the news that Wayne Rooney was crowned ugliest baller (and no, we don’t agree either), we’ve been thinking about the compelling category of sizzle known as “ugly-hot”.
Don’t act like you don’t know.
Okay, for those still acting, think of it this way – someone is ugly-hot if:
1. You’d totally hit it; 2. You’d be embarrassed if your friends found out or you had to show up at a family function with them; and 3. You’d still hit it even if your friends found out and publicly scorned you.
We’ve frequently suffered the wrath of our loyal readership by stating our attraction to Dijibril Cisse. It’s not easy standing alone on that bandwagon, but at least we have the guts to put it out there.
And to carry on with the full-disclosure policy we seem to be suddenly adopting, we also admit to having a bit of a thing for Gigsy, Sheva (although we get scared senseless by his “look at my link” crazy-eye instruction on the Chelsea site) and Didier Drogba.
Roy Keane also qualifies for this category, as he’s not pretty-boy good-looking but he sure has that ‘ugly-hot but I’m gonna put it on you’ booty vibe.
Perhaps ugly-hot is too strong a word… our picks are more non-hots that are hot. Whew, this is a level of analysis the universe may not be ready for.
In any case, rather than judge, please fill us in. Who gets your vote for the hottest ugly-hot baller?
Every week across the globe, dozens and dozens of football games are played. And every week across the globe, hundreds of shirts are removed so that we, the discerning public, can analyze abs, six-packs and no-packs.
And as we sit, our HD screens inches away from our eyeballs, excel spreadsheets with formulas and hottie calculation software at our sides, we are consistently reminded of one of life’s great debates: the face vs body hotness dichotomy.
Micah Richards is our case in point. One of the best bods in the game, no doubt. Yet, if he had his clothes on would he inspire such greatness? We cannot say for certain as we have been blinded by this photo. But even those in our Finest Five list aren’t exempt. For example, there has been many a debate in our post comments from many of you who don’t question Cristiano Ronaldo’s botdy, but who feel the face just doesn’t match up to the rest.
When it comes to a body of Baywatch, face of Crimewatch, where do your loyalties lie, Kickettes?
Is Micah a hottie by sheer muscle tone alone? If Becks gained 60 stone and grew several sheets of body hair, but kept that chiseled jaw we all know and love, would he still be on your hit list?
These are the pressing concerns of the day, and indeed, our lives, and we suggest you consider them deeply.
Well, James McFadden may be the colour of day-old mayonnaise, but that’s nothing a few months’ intensive St. Tropez application won’t cure.
Plus, the Scottish accent is sexy.
Still. Mayonnaise legs… never good on any occasion.
We can’t decide and so we must put it to our people:
Is Everton’s James McFadden a hottie or nottie?
Atletico Madrid’s Sergio Aguero started playing in the first division in Argentina when he was just 15 (breaking Maradona’s previous record) and has the nickname, “Kun” because he looks like Japanese anime boy characters. He’s that well-designed. We likey this Golden Boot winner very much, even if there could be no drinking of alcohol allowed at our spur of the moment Vegas wedding because he’s only 19.
Liverpool’s Fernando Torres may have an ongoing battle with hair styles that we all deem to be inappropriate and quite naff, but we’re still able to rise above that. Why? It’s the height factor (he’s 6’1”) and the freckles that do it for us. Oh, if only the hair Gods would answer our daily prayers.
So we put it to you – who is the hottest, Sergio or Nando? Both are in fine form this season. Who wins in the battle of the baby face? Our choice after the jump.
Sergio is truly lush, but if we put on a pair of heels he’d vanish from our sightline, so we go with baby boy Torres for this one.
Freddie Ljungberg is dealing with some jacked up injury status, but he still was able to haul ass to the Spiderman 3 premiere in London on Monday.
We’re big fans of the Yum-berg, but we fear he is beginning to lose his looks. Didn’t he used to rock that shaved head with a little more panache, a little less robotic bolt headed serial killer? What is this world coming to?
We’ve frequently suffered the wrath of our loyal readership by stating our attraction to Dijibril Cisse. It’s not easy standing alone on that bandwagon, but at least we have the guts to put it out there. 
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