It’s always nice when multi-tasking players like Sergio Ramos (Real Madrid) and Benoit Cheyrou (Olympique de Marseille) take hold of the Thursday Thigh-Off responsibilities for us, insisting we’re too pretty and dainty to bother lifting a finger. Very considerate of them.

Of course, with the immense quadly goodness on display today, picking a winner may be harder than attempting a drive by of the Printemps shoe department during your lunch hour. We suggest you pour yourself a drink, take the phone off the hook and get a note pad to make your comparisons.

VINTAGE

The Ramos™

Images: Jorge Guerrero/AFP/Getty Images.

Let’s start with the man who only needs one name. He incites your raging hormones at the drop of a red card. We lost count of how many nose jobs he’s had. He’s supposedly a single man now. And his third leg is almost as big as Gerard Pique’s lochness monster.

The Ramos™ is crazy talented, and he’s provided us with many thightastic moments over the years. One has to applaud the gene pool that created a group of muscles that live so harmoniously together in Sergio’s world.  We’re clapping for them now.

We have many fantasies about life altering encounters with our fave ‘ballers, but we’ll know we’ve arrived when we find ourselves alone, in a dark room, standing next to a shirtless Sergio.

Don’t worry, a camera is included in our master plan.

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VIRGIN

Benoit Cheyrou

Images: AP Photo/Claude Paris; Michael Steele/Getty Images.

What do you need to know about Benoit Cheyrou other than you can’t pronounce his name?

A lot, actually.

Besides being a ripe and ready cutie, this midfielder specializes in high-flying, superior flesh and bone arrangement. Hailing from the man muscle market that is France, if his surname sounds familiar it’s because he’s the younger brother of former LFC footballer Bruno Cheyrou. Snaps to their parents for successfully rearing two tightly-flexed and fit footballers.

Benoit doesn’t dabble in the fine art of follicular failures quite like The Ramos™ – which is a plus – but he does cut a fearsome figure in the war on calcium.

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Enough with the rambling.  Let’s get to the voting. When you’re ready, tell us who you think takes the title this week.

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Congratulations to last week’s (just go with it) winner, Mario Gomez. Maynor, luv, don’t despair. You’ve still got years of thigh goodies to bring to the pitch. Let the sizzling elder statesman have his moment before his knees give out.

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Real talk, no chasers: it’s time for the big guns.

Don’t let the happily-go-lucky lead pic mislead you: this contest is not made for the meek. In our third week of commitment to the carved legs, we aim to empower you with a wide-open, no holds barred look at the Herculean hammies of Mario Gomez (Vintage) and Maynor Figueroa (Virgin, obvs).

Ready…set…flex ‘em fellas!

VINTAGE

Mario Gomez

Image Credit: REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach; Valerio Pennicino/Getty Images; REUTERS/Christian Charisius; REUTERS/Michaela Rehle; REUTERS/Max Rossi.

There’s no ifs, ands or butts about ‘em: Mario Gomez has some serious sinews. Frankly, we’re not capable (read: sober enough) of counting the collateral damage his masssive trunks have caused throughout several TTO ties. Although his win/loss columns are dodgy according to our lackluster memories’ standards, Mario’s artillery should come with a warning: lethal to your lungs while in plain view. Stand back, Kickettes, we don’t want anyone getting hurt.

When we draw upon all the monumental thigh moments throughout footy history that forever changed how we viewed the beautiful game, Mmm Mario stands front, centre and often shirtless. Talented, naked and with shredded strains. Just how we love ‘em.

So can we stop now?

Seriously, need we show you any more?

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VIRGIN

Maynor Figueroa

Images: The Guardian; AP Photos.

And now it’s time for the fresh, modern meat. Pretty much everything any Kickette needs to know about 2011 footballer’s thighs are accounted for in our mischievously-chosen lead picture. For all intensive purposes, every man in the human race should use this man’s leg mounds as “thigh-spiration”. Ya know, to be randomly strewn on your fridge, gym locker and padded officule walls for when homemade muffin-temptations kick in.

We know, this virtually-unknown (in and around our HQ, that is) Wigan Athletic warrior is a rando, but who are we to bypass a man who always keep his glutes agape? And just when we thought Mario Gomez was the end all, be all of Kevlar thighs!

What we’re really digging about Figueroa, though, (other than purposely mispronouncing his name just to sneak a quick Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! rendition) is that he wears his shorts like hot pants never went out of style in the 70s/80s. To us, this was foo tball’s Golden Age – when men fearlessly fought for three points without seeing the need or point of warmth/organ compression/whatever the hell it is base layers are supposed to be doing.

Of course, no matter what the votes may say, we all know who the real winners are. Our ‘right-click-save’ buttons.

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Congratulations to Steven Gerrard, who brought the Vintage pool’s tally to 2-nil with his win over his Virgin TTO competitor, Ryan Babel (by a thickly-coated leg hair margin, actually).

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Image Credit: Mike Hewitt/Getty Images Europe.

One thing readers can be assured of when it comes to the TTO 2.0 – we hear your kudos just as loudly as your complaints. And when our HQ’s honorary virtual intern*, Blake, bellowed about the lack of hairy thighs in our 2.0 logo (at left), we sought to give the guy what he wants.

Today’s Vintage v. Virgin match features the formidable flexors of two former Liverpool team-mates: Steven Gerrard’s furry femurs v. Ryan Babel’s bald bulldozers. It’s an exciting contest, one that calls for full fat microwaveable popcorn with a side of spray butter.

*Title and position have yet to be discussed with aforementioned candidate.

VINTAGE

Steven Gerrard

Has there ever been a hairy set of thighs (other than Steven Gerrard’s) that have won any of the TTO’s illustrious challenges? We think naught, which confirms our widely-held suspicion that the success rate of our readers’ compliance to the thigh-off selection process is hovering somewhere below zero.

Image Credits: REUTERS/Phil Noble; Getty Images.

The win/loss ratio of Stevie G’s lean legs, however, is much closer to perfection. Quite the seasoned thigh-off veteran, he’s 3-for-4 in all competitions, having gone bone to bone with the likes of Frank Lampard (his only loss), Alessandro Nesta, Fernando Torres and Didier Drogba and Mario Gomez in a double header. Clearly you lot think this scouser has got some sexy stems, hence our rationale for giving his grainy gams another go.

We’ve been trawling the archives (a not entirely unpleasant task, obvs) and sadly failed to locate any recent stellar shots of his strains. We are aware of his injury outfit lows, however, which cover all of his tender vegetation that we demand to see. If we asked you to consider his entire body of work over the years, Stevie’s epically fit form might cause the whole of our audience to lose feeling in their toes.

But that’s not what we’re here for, now is it.

VIRGIN

Ryan Babel

Image: REUTERS/Phil Noble.

Spring has sprung and TSG 1899 Hoffenheim’s Ryan Babel is baring it all. His luscious lower limbs are something of an erotic anomaly, nearly identical in superior size and steel structure. Across many countries, bulky manbits like these can be something of a taboo. On Kickette Island, they’re an object of our sexual obsession.

For those on the fence, it’s wise to consider rappin’ Ryan on the merits of his hair-free professionalism. Not the kind of guy to half-ass anything, he tends to take things slow, whipping his work horses into a sublimely suave state of seduction. Definitely a steady and sturdy approach to sheer hydration and rock hard hammies that we admire.

Other Ryan Babel variables to mull over: he enjoys chicken, likes it with pepper, fanboys with the best of ‘em, is an international style icon and is totally cute.

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Who reigns supreme in our thoroughly enlightening muscle group analysis this Thursday, Kickettes? Before we go, we’d like to give a standing ovation to occasional nudist Fabio Cannavaro for his outstanding overhaul of Domenico Criscito in last round’s duel (66% to 34%).

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You read right: everyone’s beloved Thursday Thigh-Off competition has returned – and with a cool new logo to boot. Yeah, we tend to waste much of our time on minutiae such as this.

We’re aware that our recent production of this semi-regular feature has been intrinsically inadequate, but after coming to our senses and realising that footballers’ thighs are to Kickette what an oxygen tank is to a geriatric patient/Sergio Ramos fan girl, we’re committed to making this mentally-abusive relationship (for our writers, of course) work.

Who will emerge victorious? Who will be adorned with the Quad King moniker? Who will care?  All questions will be answered.

While we’ve turned back the hands (thighs) of time once before, we’re switching our spin on muscular strain studying once more. Since we don’t want to be less than scrupulous in our attention to detail here, we ask you pay close attention to how the TTO 2.0 is gonna go down:

1. The theme of this season is “Vintage vs. Virgin”…meaning we plan to pit world-class thigh masters who once thunderously trudged around this competition’s battlefield against uninitiated newcomers and their untainted, plump pins. There’s a host of hot footballin’ thighs that we never took stock of, and we saw this as our best solution to satisfy your thigh-off appetites outside an IV bag of alcohol and firing squad.

2. This competition is exceptionally (and quite splendidly) sexist. We objectify because we can. It’s who we are. Deal with it or don’t let the locker room door hit you on the way out.

3. This is a friendly competition; no cat scratching, name calling or nominating anyone unattractive. Furthermore, your vote *should* be based on the thighs and them alone. We pledge to pick pictures that accentuate the main attraction at all times to ensure everyone is as dedicated to the job as any one of Cristiano Ronaldo’s cheap-looking call girls.

4. You cast your vote via the poll, which will be open for 24 hours (unless we forget to set the self-timer). We still wholeheartedly look forward to reading your musings in our comments section, though, and always welcome your stroking of our egos.

First up: two fine defenders from Italy.

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VINTAGE

Fabio “No Shrinkage Required” Cannavaro

If you weren’t with us in the Spring of ’09, you were probably too consumed with the belly jewels of the internet trolls to understand how Fabio Cannavaro was our cat’s meow. During that very same season, readers judged one of our most hotly-contested thigh battles, one that saw the Italian stallion’s pins prevail over then-Real Madrid team-mate and cute co-hort, Sergio Ramos, by a hair missed during one of their waxing treatments.

As a quick download, Canna’s thighs are for the girls and guys who consider themselves to be adventurous – i.e. these are the kind of quads that will take you rock climbing on your first date and show you plenty of Guinness action at the indoor arena’s lounge afterwards. For what this man lacks in height, his thighs make up for it in sheer, glistening glistening.

We failed to mention earlier that factoring in actual camera shots and angles in your voting criteria is also okay.  If it counts for anything, there is no such thing as a “bad” picture of Fabs or his luscious legs. It’s the World Cup winner’s world, and we’re very lucky to still be living in it.

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VIRGIN

Domenico Criscito

Heir to Fabio’s D&G bathroom briefs, Dom’s thick, strong, 24-year-old thighs have some tight jeans to fill.  He’s also fond of giving us a glimpse of his glutes at a moment’s notice – just like his predecessor. We can already see us forming a fast friendship with TTO 2.0 newbie, Domenico, who seems to be adding the “c” in classy, cut legs these days.

From both horizontal and vertical perspectives, Criscito’s medial compartments are catering to the ‘meat and potatoes’ crowd, and although we almost always give starchy carbs a timeout from our dinner tables, for once we’re crying out loud for someone to pass us the butter.

Just as Fabio’s femurs were sent straight to us from our antiquated attractive archives, it’s pleasing to see how our modern day mancandy is overcompensating for their lack of straight teeth with bulky, boxy bits.

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Be still, Kickettes, and know that we are tired. But which thighs have won you over in Week 1 of our newly-apprised TTO 2.0? Remember: you only have 24 hours to cast 1 vote. Make it count and no ballot box stuffing.

Well Kickettes, duty calls…again.

Just as it did the last time we had enough motivation to transform ourselves into thigh lexiconartists. We’ve been inspired, dear readers.

However. Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Consider this Thursday Thigh-Off one more small step towards weekly repetition. But don’t hold it against us if we wobble like baby giraffes a few times here and there – we’re only human happy hour machines.

We’ve always known that the Bundesliga was a wealth of big and bulgy boy parts, and we look forward to hearing how the ladies (plus Blake!) feel about barely-there blonde leg hair and seriously sexy sinews.

Name: Mario Gomez
Rundown: 25 y/o; 6’2 1/2; striker; Previous TTO participant
Thigh Stats: stellar strains and finely-carved veins
Random: This isn’t the first time Mario’s been seen spreading ‘em.
Why You Should Vote: So you can say, “I’m with the band“. Also, he takes his clothes off, which always earns major points on this site.

Name: Manuel Neuer
Rundown: 24 y/o; 6’4 1/2; Goalkeeper; Previous Hottie who we Hunted during the WC
Thigh Stats: coarsely-coated thunderthighs
Random: We’d pay a hefty amount of sterling to see him and Marco Borriello in a YMCA-off; he’s the only footballer we’ve seen wear khaki well
Why You Should Vote: To rest your hungover heads on his puffy and pouty pillow lips.

[Image: Getty Images]

Who gets your vote?

Image via Getty/Zimbio

Don’t get too excited, Kickettes – we are far too lazy and unorganized to bring the Thursday Thigh Off back in any regular capacity. But we felt these photos warranted a little special attention.

Let us explain: in our (admittedly mental) world, we’re equating these completely random, candid thigh poses with the sexual prowess of the footballers in possession. We don’t need to work through sophisticated science speak about muscles and sinew; we’re far beneath that.

For example, above, Liverpool’s Steven Gerrard is obviously the type to take his job seriously. He doesn’t want to pull something and put himself out of game early, so to speak. He takes his time to limber up and ensure maximum flexibility.

Let’s check out the other options for your voting and objectification pleasure:

Image via Getty/Daylife

Chelsea’s Didier Drogba isn’t one to rush things. Oh no, he likes to take his time, working a smooth, suave (to him, at least) dance of seduction to woo you and your loins into a hypnotic state. Will you fall for his siren song of quads and hammies?

And then, there’s Bayern’s always delicious Mario Gomez. He fell for the old “there’s no alcohol in this juice punch, honest. We swear, now drink up.” trick. Either that, or he gets “overwhelmed” by certain situations quicker than one might like. Ahem.

Okay – so, now you’ve had a chance to check out the impressive and inspirational thigh power on offer. Do tell: who gets your vote today?

Georges Ambourouet (Gabon) v Somen Tchoyi (Cameroon)

Well, isn’t this just so considerate? The fine footy folk taking part in the African Cup know how busy our schedules are with Facebook-stalking, online shopping and other such necessities. To help out, they made sure to stay in the same photo frame for ease of judgment/appreciation in our Thigh-Off competition today.

Have a quick look-see at our three stellar offerings from the Cameroon v Gabon game (Gabon won 1-0 in a major upset of the 4x champions) and tell us which boys get your approval.

Of course, no matter what the votes may say, we all know who the real winners are. Our ‘right-click-save’ buttons.

Samuel Eto’o (Cameroon) v Arsene Copa (Gabon) Image via Zimbio

Enoh Eyong (Cameroon) v Michel Cousin (Gabon). Image via Zimbio.

Who gets your vote for the best Thursday Thighs?

FYI, some of us at Kickette HQ are weirdly obsessed with seeing John Terry and Carlos Bocanegra dressed as pilgrims. But let’s leave our freaky fantasy lives out of this.

To our loyal Kickettes around the world, don’t fret about missing this holiday date*. We all have thighs to be thankful for regardless of whether or not one partakes in the food-coma-inducing fiesta del face-stuffing. And as we all know, thighs are truly an appropriate and appreciated treat for every day of the year.

So throw on your best Marchesa feathers or Fendi buckle belts and cleanse your palettes, it’s turkey time! (Well, it will be tomorrow, but we’re doing this a day early as we’ve been informed of the mass exodus that occurs on the official date.)

Note: Don’t expect us to teach you how to brine a bird. We’re only here to offer our expert man-eating advice on which cuts of thigh are worthy of your Tiffany’s flatware.

Okay, let’s get to it: how do you like your holiday thigh meat? Have a browse through just a few of these delicious options and let us know your choice.

Light meat
The healthiest choice by far, please do enjoy a few pieces courtesy of Robbie Keane and Paul Scholes. For us, light meat can border on the dry side, so be wary of under-cooking. Be vigilant and give this type of meat your full concentration. Oh, a little vitamin D from your oven can go a long way for Fern and Frings, too.

Dark meat
Dark meat is stored in turkey’s thighs. This is to ensure they have the strength and ability to keep missing the barn door all day long until someone gives them an assist.

In the case of footballers, their thigh meat gives them the energy to keep it movin’ all match long. As such, we’re extremely grateful that men like Kenwyne Jones and David Ngog have been blessed with a similar genetic composition. In Kenwyne’s case, we would so enjoy seeing him walk, hop, skip or simply run his arse straight onto our plates. Gravy, please!

Thinly sliced
Normally we don’t advocate skimping on your protein at dinnertime, unless you’ve decided in favour of a liquid (alcoholic) dinner… but Luca Toni’s thinly sliced meat is almost worth skipping the mulled wine for.

Thick and juicy
Cultivated and aged to perfection, Fabio, Javier and a slew of other mouth-watering pieces have enough layers to feed the entire the Kickette soldier-girl army with no added effort on our parts. ‘Tis the season of giving and thanking and giving and so on.

Deep-fried
Deep frying a turkey may sound like a strange concept, but trust us, it’s delicious and not at all greasy. You’ll need a high smoke point, and Zlatan Ibrahimovic certainly qualifies for raising temperatures to glistening point. (Yes, that’s right, Kickettes don’t sweat – we glow. Even while chowing down on drumsticks.)

That said, a fire extinguisher on standy-by is always a good idea. And possibly a hair net to stop the oilies.

Moist
Let’s revisit a classic from Euro 2008 to demonstrate this option: Volkan Demirel. So, it’s been said the key to a moist bird is soaking it for a few hours. We couldn’t agree more. Moist and tasty, the best route to a golden guy is by basting. We prefer butter; Cristiano Ronaldo prefers suntan oil. Either way, wear an apron because this could get messy.

Tender
Fresh meat is the way to go for added flavor and tender thighs. Sprinkle light and fluffy salt over barely-touched Bojan. Let him sit out and repeat before roasting to adulthood.

With all the fixings
When we feast, we go all out. Kinda like Sergio whilst shopping. And, we have to admit that his workhorse glutes are synonymous with flair: gravy, cranberry leg wax, stuffing, green veggie jeans, pasta, and a Louis manbag. None of it is homemade of course, but the more Stovetop, Bisto and DSquared crap loaded on, the merrier!

Smoked
Breaking away from tradition, dining on smoked turkey is definitely an acquired taste. Pink/neutral in color and smooth in texture, Frankie’s mesquite, toned and smoldering legs will bring you back for seconds and perhaps even thirds.

Warmed up
Sure, by day 15+ of creative turkey menu options, you’re suicidal. But nothing beats a nicely warmed up plate of day-afters. They’re still fresh, but have had 24 hours to soak up a little extra flavour. Jozy’s are a prime example of why thighs for breakfast is a recommended start to any growing girl’s day.

Leftovers
When the day is done but you’ve got food to spare, why not get creative and make some additional dishes? No, we don’t have any recipes at the moment but we’ll let you know if we are able to uncover what John Terry’s secret is to perfecting turkey sausage.

Hope you enjoyed the menu – have a great holiday!

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*Canadian Kickettes, we’re sure you have room for more turkey even though you’ve already celebrated?

We like Mr. Vargas because he… likes Mutu.

Continuing on with our brief hiatus of the regular format TTO, we’re celebrating/reflecting upon a few of the many thightastic offerings that were well-flexed during the last two evenings of Champions League action.

It’s really a time for browsing, contemplating and pursuing the goods. No decision-making required. Just enjoy.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s well-flexed and readies:

Image via Reuters

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Javier Zanetti’s always superior situ:

Image via PA photo

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Mark Van Bommel’s commitment to providing a full unobstructed visual:

Image via Reuters

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Martin Kelly’s elegantly outstretched efforts:

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and, Marco Borriello’s sleek Ken-doll quads

Image via PA Photos

We are seeking inspiration, and thus, have decided to trawl through our happy-place photo files to find some of our favourite quadly occurrences.

This week and next, we plan on showcasing a few of these. The moments that made us who we are as people thigh-collectors.

You see:

…in our youth, we valued short-shorts over SPF protection.

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… until we were shown the error of our ways and began reaching for a high quality sun-block

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…as we grew, we learned that age ain’t ‘nuthin but a number

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…and just happened to stumble upon the meaning of life.

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As well as showcasing more of our man candy pictorial collection next week, we’re opening the floor up to you, dear readers. If you have some personal favourites, do send them over to us at thighs [AT] kickette [DOT] com, and if you have any suggestions on how to spice up the TTO – or improve it, do tell.
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Congrats to last week’s winner, Sebastian Kehl!