'The Thigh-Off' Category

The TTO: Sylvain Distin v Armand Traore

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This week the Thursday Thigh Off heads to Portsmouth FC, where Sylvain Distin is limbering up to take on the young (but legal-ish) Armand Traore.

Throw on your best French designer goods and prepare to judge, Kickettes.

Sylvain Distin
Mr. Distin hails from Bagnolet in France. We have no idea where that is, but it reminds us of baguettes and that works for us; they’re one of our favourite carbs.  Anyhoo, Sylvain is 31-years-old, stands at a macho manly 6’4”, and he’s a defender that likes to rough it up a bit on the pitch. We have yet to have it confirmed, but we’re sure he has the words, “Chocolate Thunder” tattooed somewhere on his body. Oh yes, we took it there.

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Armand Traore
Armand’s a left back who’s been on loan from Arsenal since last summer. He’s definitely on our embryos to watch list. Why? Well, he’s 19-years-young. Born in Paris. And, he’s 6’1” of nearly-newborn muscle group goodness. Seriously, what vitamins is this man-child taking every morning? Baby needs an endorsement deal with Holland and Barrett, like yesterday.

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Who gets your vote for the best legs in Portsmouth?


Which Inter Milan player won last week’s epic battle of all that is sinewy and good? Javier Zanetti, who fought hard for his win against Zlatan Ibrahimovic.  Congrats Pupi, and commiserations, Ibrah.

The TTO: Javier Zanetti v Zlatan Ibrahimovic

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image via ZUMAPRESS/KEYSTONE Press

We know. We took the obvious route. But when you think of Inter Milan, you think of the big guns: Javier Zanetti and Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Don’t their names just roll off the tongue?

Not to worry – there are more important things to do today besides practicing saying “Ibrahimovic” five times fast.  We invite you to slip on your favourite silk and cashmere robe of judgment and get to examining our thightastic choices for the latest Thigh-Off.

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JAVIER ZANETTI

Javier – more commonly referred to as Pupi around most parts, is the elder statesman – he’s a 35-year-old defender, and captain of the Inter squad.  He was born in Buenos Aries and is the most capped Argentinian player ever.  Pupi’s comfortable exploring his more creative side via song. Sure, Mr. Z could use a touch of the good ‘ol lip plumper, but the amount of bulging muscle that he brings to the pitch outweighs any collagen concerns. FYI, When Pupi first joined Inter, he didn’t even own a suit.  Probably because it was impossible to get enough fabric to stretch across his legs.

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ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC

27-year-old Zlatan is quite the international man-about-town. He’s a striker that plays for the Swedish national team, and is of Bosnian and Croatian descent. What else? Well, he has a bank balance that could single-handledly bring the global recession to an end. His sense of self-esteem is fully large and in charge. He has the “Ibrahimovic code” tattooed on his arms. Indeed, Ibrah is many things to many people – from an object of lust to an object of great arrogance. But you can never say he doesn’t work for his thigh coverage. Because, let’s face it, he knows how to flex and stretch those money makers for the cameras.

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Who do you think deserves the win?


Congratulations to Vincente, who walked all over David Silva in last week’s Valencia Thigh Off. Next week, Portsmouth!

Many thanks to TB for her extensive collection of Inter Milan thigh options.

The TTO: Vicente Rodríguez v David Silva

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As a club, Valencia CF have been under much speculation over their financial future, but it’s good to know that even in such tumultuous times, some things remain pure and true: the glory of their squad’s quads.

In fact, we found it difficult to single out two players for today’s competition from VCF’s well-honed team sheet. Perhaps one is only able to join the team if in possession of at least four well-defined different muscle groups in the thighticular area.

Still, we persevered and have decided to put the lion-esq Vicente up against the feral kitty-like David Silva. It’s the purr-fect way to spend a Thursday, no?

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The TTO: Salomon Kalou v Joe Cole

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Time for the boys in blue to man up and show us what they’re made of.  More specifically, what their quads and hamstrings are made of. 

Today sees the lovely Joe Cole taking on the equally lush Salomon Kalou.

Let us quickly make an important point: when putting together a Chelsea-specific thigh off, it is practically impossible not to include one of the thightastic greats of our time, Frank Lampard. Or, in the words of one of our readers, LL: ‘Frank is Chelsea thighs.  End of discussion.‘

Agreed. But for today, Frank will be sitting this one out and has instead decided to go shopping for more short-shorts.

Now let’s get on with the show!

SALOMON KALOU

What’s Salomon Kalou’s story? Well, he’s a striker who hails from the Ivory Coast, he’s 6’1” and he was so excited when he signed for Chelsea in 2006 that he brought a camera on his first day to take photos. “This was the dream moment of my life and I did not want to wake up and find out that it was not real.“ Cute, huh?  Our dream moment with Salomon also involves a camera, but let’s leave it at that.

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JOE COLE

Although Joe Cole is currently sidelined with an injury that will keep him off the pitch until next season, there’s no reason we can’t pay homage to this 27-year-old midfielder. After all, he’s provided us with many thightastic moments over the years, whether it’s playing for England or for Chelsea. This summer he’ll be making his relationship official when he marries long-time gal Carly Zucker. Enjoy ‘em now, ladies, these are limited edition, soon to be off-market thighs.

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Random but coincidental fact: both Joe and Salomon’s first car was a Volkswagon. Not sure that will help with the decision-making process, but there you have it.

Who gets your vote this week?

Congrats to last week’s winner, Michael Rensing, who barely beat Massimo Oddo in a seriously close contest. Well done, Michael, have a beer on us, mate.

The TTO: Massimo Oddo v Michael Rensing

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Happy thigh-day everyone.

This week we’re continuing our new team-focused version of the Thursday Thigh Off by heading over to the Bundesliga to examine some worthy competitors from the German market of man muscle. Bayern Munich, hallo there.

Who will emerge victorious, and who will be left alone and shamed with nothing but a pair of under-armour to get them through the cold and lonely nights?  It’s up to you.

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MASSIMO ODDO
Massimo is a 32-year-old right-back just shy of 6 feet tall.  As we’re sure you will recall, Mr. Oddo is very comfortable posing in his skivvies for contractual obligations as often as needs to be. He joined the mighty Bayern on a one-year loan last August and has been flexing up a storm ever since.

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MICHAEL RENSING
Michael is 24-years-old and he holds down the goalkeeper spot for the FCB.  He’s 6’2”, his girlfriend Saskia is an underwear model, he likes to wear lederhosen and get drenched in beer. What more do you need to know?

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Who do you think deserves the victory?

imageCongrats to last week’s winner in the Man Utd thigh series, Nemanja Vidic. Well done, you hard, macho piece of manly goodness.  Commiserations to Patrice Evra: you put up a good fight, but your thighs just didn’t have the winning touch. Your abs are splendid, though. Silver lining and all that.