We haven’t asked, but we doubt Ryan will be thrilled to find his name is being used as a parent deterrent. Images: Getty Images/Daylife, Reuters/Daylife

Our long-term aim to ruin our language by forcing the Oxford English Dictionary to accept terms like short-tent in their weighty tome is newly invigorated, Kickettes! And by none other than Christine Bleakley’s mum! Yes, Mina did her bit for the proposed collapse of coherant communication when she made a statement this week that she is pleased her daughter will be marrying Frank Lampard because ‘he’s no Giggs’.

This got us thinking.

Due to our hard work, footballers and their activities are now ubiquitous in modern culture, but why not exploit this familiarity by utilising their names as descriptors of the activities we associate them with? We don’t actually believe for one second that the OED will take a blind bit of notice (well, one of our staffers does, but she’s delusional at the best of times, so we generally leave her be) but it’s not the winning, it’s the taking part that matters.

We’ve had a few ideas to start you off, but have a go yourself. For funsies. We might even re-visit the best ones in a later post…

Doing ‘a Giggs’

Usage: “Yeah, she can marry him. He’s no Giggs.”

Interpretation: ‘I am thrilled that my daughter Christine Bleakley is betrothed to popular Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard. I don’t expect him to be exposed in the tabloids for conducting a sexual relationship with any existing family members or indeed the former cast of reality television programmes in the forseeable future.

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Having ‘a Rooney’

Usage: “Cheers mate, but nah, can’t make it on Thursday. I’m ‘avin me Rooney done.”

Interpretation: ‘Thank you for your kind invitation, old bean. Unfortunately I’m unable to attend your function towards the end of the week as I will be attending a clinic whose advertising literature claims it can restore my hairline to it’s former glory.’

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Now with added ‘Gourcuff’

Usage: “I’m going out creeping tonight. Gimme the ’Gourcuff’ effect mascara.”

Interpretation: But I wish to attract the attentions of a nubile young football player this evening. I therefore have no time for inferior mascaras offering width, depth and height to my lashes. I want 3D implausibility and I want it now!

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Booking a ‘Cristiano’

Usage: “But how long do I stay in for? The price list says: two minutes, five minutes, ten or Cristiano?”

Interpretation: ‘I am currently in my local tanning emporium. Should I go for a light, all over sun-kissed look, a deeper bronzed beach look or should I call my local fence primer firm and ask to be sponsored?’

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To ‘Sergio’ an item

Usage: “Um, you know that really expensive flower pot you asked me to carry? Er… I Sergio’d it.”

Interpretation: Unfortunately, whilst I was transporting your grandmother’s genuine Ming vase across to the auction house it inexplicably crashed to the floor in the middle of the road and was sadly run over by the No.93 bus. I may have been at the whiskey just prior to the event.’

Alternatively,

To ’Sergio’ an outfit

Usage: “I thought about wearing these. Or do they ’Sergio’** my shirt?”

Interpretation: Well, my plan was to go to the important dinner dressed in these pants. But I’m curious as to whether they render all other clothing choices on the planet utterly meaningless and make women who would die to share just a moment of my time totally reconsider their taste in men?

**Can be substituted for ‘Guti’ in certain circumstances.

Hit it, Kickettes!

Ah, Zizou. From hot, serene and seductive to Dr. Evil in one camera frame. Now that’s talent. Images via Daylife/Getty

We’re probably pondering the obvious, but who told JT that he could tuck his denim into his boots like that? The Chelsea captain, seen above with his missus and their much-adored twins, Summer and Georgie, attended the Winter Wonderland VIP Launch at Hyde Park yesterday. Image: Ian Gavan/Getty Images Europe via Zimbio.

Image: REUTERS/Stevo Vasiljevic via Daylife

Cesc. Gulp. (AP Photos/Daylife)

“They’re all in unbelievable shape. You won’t come across a top-50 Spaniard who isn’t afraid to take his shirt off in practice and looks good doing it.”

Whilst talking about Spanish tennis players, US star Mardy Fish neatly outlines our entire remit.

Thanks C!

… and it’s about time too. Giggsy and Stacey looked ridiculously hot at the GQ Man of the Year Award arrivals on Tuesday, no? (She’s wearing Phillip Lim, btw.) Ryan won 2010 Sportsman of the Year. Congrats!

Post World Cup non-glory, some of our favourite English lads have headed off to spend time with their significant others. What else do we have now but to judge their apparel?

In London, Frank Lampard left his Chelsea flat (with g/f Christine Bleakley);

In Southport, Captain Steven Gerrard had lunch at Bistro Verite with his two daughters and wife Alex (she wore clogs. Soz. Had to mention); and

In France, David Beckham headed to Bargemon to be with Victoria and their three boys.

Which of the back-to-reality boys gets your vote for the best style-whilst-sad look? We think they all look rather good, but it’s hard to out-do Becks when it comes to casual cute.

Marco Borriello and Andrea Pirlo arrive for Italian National team training; they’re plaid and they’re fabulous.

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- Australian gossip rag Famous alleges that a UK newspaper is investigating stories from three WAGabees who are claiming to have hooked up with David Beckham. Meep!

- Fernando Torres brought baby Nora to Paza del Monasterio de Aciveiro for her christening. Wife Olalla brought some bad-arse Louboutins and an excellent bitchface.

- Cheryl Cole rolled up in Cannes for the Outside of the Law premiere and looked fantabulous in her white Versace bandage dress. Rumours (aka completely fabricated for reasons we don’t care enough to figure out) continue to swirl about Chezza and Will.i.am being an item.

- Christine Bleakley went to the British Academy Television Craft Awards. Nope, we’ve no idea either. What do you think of her “high fash” dress?

- Like we didn’t already know Sammy Eto’o is ballin’, big boy style. He’s just bought a 10,000+sq ft, €17 million house in Milan’s absolutely-most-exclusive-designer-shopping-on-your-doorstep neighbourhood.

Just when we thought cheating footballers would be hyper-sensitive to the eyes and ears and camera lenses around them, we have a trio of bad boys on the brink of relationship red cards.

Q: What do Patrice Evra, Carlos Tevez and Oliver Kahn have in common?

A: They all allegedly cheated on their significant others with blonde lady friends.

What’s worse:

All dark roots point to these three side job ladies achieving their fair-coloured locks by the bottle.

1. Patrice Evra, a self-professed one woman man, was apparently caught by CCTV cams cavorting with a blonde at a low-brow Manchester hotel over the weekend. This was just a mere 15 miles away from his marital love nest that he shares with his wife, sometimes-blonde Sandra. When pressed for more information, Patrice allegedly claimed he didn’t even know the woman but wouldn’t answer why she planted a wet one on him in plain sight.

Now we understand that this may not be the most opportune time to talk manners but c’mon, Pat. If the cameras already caught you cheating, have some decency and pay for your own seedy rendevous room. After all, when you’re rich, you don’t write cheques/swipe plastic. Instead, you pay straight cash, homie.

Evra’s pint-size playing away seems to be a double whammy as we’re hearing unconfirmed whispers that Sandra may be preggers with the couple’s second child. Pretty much, this whole situ is a hot mess and his excuse is on-par with Ashley Cole’s former fail.

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2. Probably the first and only time you’ll find this man’s name or likeness on Kickette, Carlos Tevez joined his former United teammate in the doghouse with an equally doozy saga. Ugh to the fug.

However, for both readers and writers’ sakes, we’ll cut to the chase. Tevez’s wife was in Argentina delivering their second daughter (born six weeks premature) while he was allegedly flying his on-the-side-ho around Europe.

The irony of the Tevez situation is that only four days had passed between the time he criticised John Terry for his scandalous ways before it looks like Carlos was caught in his own tangled web of infidelity. It’s quickly becoming a confusing tale, though, as the verdict on whether or not Tevez and his wife were/are still together is debatable.

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3. Less shockingly but definitely not a moral compass to abide by, Oliver Kahn stepped out over the weekend with his new girlfriend, Svenja K. Oliver’s history with humping and dumping began when he left his first, then-pregnant wife Simone for Verena Kerth. Since that debacle, he’s deserted Verena K. in favour of his live-in leggy blonde. He’s 40 years old to her 28.

Luis Figo’s wife, Helena Svedin is shilling something for Philips. Anti-counterfeit Cash Scanner? Mouse hairdryer? Electric Figofied Chest-Hair Softener? No clue.

Having spent the last few weeks knee deep in scandalous stories about footballers & their myriad indiscretions (hell on the Louboutins, as you can imagine), its’s a relief to be able to bring you a post full of merriment and good cheer.

*Crickets*

Okay, some good cheer. And possibly a little snark. Just a wee bit. Hope you don’t mind.

First up, it’s congrats to Danielle Lloyd & Jamie O’Hara, who announced today they are pregnant. We had several discussions last month at Kickette HQ about our suspicions. Sadly, we didn’t make them public and now can’t say “nyah, nyah told you so.” That makes us sad.
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Slightly closer to delivering her baby is Carly Cole. We wanted to show you this so you could appreciate both how lovely Carly looks and observe how unnecessarily mean The Sun’s headline is. What. Ever.
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In a similar cheery vein, Sylvie Van Der Vaart has signed up to present the German version of Dancing With The Stars. We’ve been perusing Sylvie’s ‘official’ Twitter page of late and are divided on whether this is really her. Your thoughts?
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Alex Gerrard has had a busy week, offering her support to Cheryl, Ashley and homeless charity Shelter. If you want, you can join in our game of putting those three causes in the order of how much we care about them. One of them loses. Every single time.
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Staying with Ash & Chez, news reaches us that the custody battle over the small, furry friends has reached stalemate. We suggest that Cheryl goes for full custody as Ashley (see pic) already has one of his very own.
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Speaking of unsightly growths on one’s body, the papers are giving Posh a hard time about her bunions again. We can (and frequently do) criticise with the best of them but wow. It’s a slow news day when bunions garner a story of their very own.