We are praying to the Gods of labour pangs to have mercy on your soul and grant you a reprieve from the baby belly.
You have shopped.
You have shopped some more.
And then, you have dug deep, deep down, and gone shopping again. Surely by now you deserve the second heir to the money train throne.
Plus, your first bubba, Luna, is pretty cute and we’d like some new baby pictures please.
We will get through this challenging time of impatience by reminiscing over our favourite photo of you, drunk on a table in Germany, singing football songs and chants about your man in an offkey vocal.
So come on baby Lamps, let’s get moving.
“A lot of the houses I looked at were really garish – lots of gold, all very Versace. Believe it or not David and I do have good taste. I like everything to be simple and plain.”
We’re going to hazard a wild guess that of all people you don’t want to make enemies with, it’s Donatella Versace. She’ll slap the fake tan off you faster than you can say ‘St. Tropez spray’.
We hate her dress sense, but appreciate her low profile and cute bf, so full congratulations to Carly Zucker, now engaged to Chelsea’s Joe Cole.
Joe proposed to Carly at their mansion in Surrey on Friday, and they celebrated Sunday in London.
Let’s break down the deets, shall we?
Estimated Ring Value: £50,000
Length of relationship: Two years
Amount of belly tops worn by Carly in those two years: several thousand
Engagement: after a meal at the Ivy in London, but before playing Oasis on the stereo in celebration. We have to say the Oasis thing would almost make us give back the ring. Almost.
First to hear the news: the two bulldogs the couple share. We’d like to know who reported that inane, trite bit of information in the name of looking “cute” to the tabloids.
Length of engagement: said to be at least six months, with the wedding happening at the end of next year’s season.
Afters: At Brinkley’s bar in Chelsea, where Carly shed a few tears over the realisation at never having to work again, and being married to Joe C for the rest of her life. Celebrations then moved on to Paper in Regent Street where they hooked up with Jermain Defoe who had been having his own engagement party in Hatfield but obviously got bored and decided to hit the town instead.
Excitement level: We’re at zzzz, but may elevate the status of this news to a mildly interested when Carly starts wedding dress shopping.
Link: Ace Joe Pops The Question
Cheryl Cole has a lot to get off her chest lately.
A few days ago she declared she wants nothing to do with the WAG label and that she refused a recent gift of a Bentley from hubby Ashley. Now she’s also decided to share her quick witted retorts with the public.
As a guest on chef Gordon Ramsey’s show, The F Word (on UK telly tomorrow eve), she slagged off her enemies in the music biz.
Ramsey, obviously looking to stir the pot, brought up some snide remarks made about Cheryl by Charlotte Church: “I haven’t resorted to wearing short skirts and dating a footballer to get into the charts”. Cheryl’s response? “”She’s either talking shite or talking about someone else. A******.”
Personally, we think that was kind of a crap retort – surely she could have come up with something about Charlotte girly man, Gavin – his hair gel alone would offer at least 9,000 different potential insults, but what do we know?
Next, Gordo asked Cheryl about Brit big mouth Lily Allen’s statement: “Nobody really wants to look like Cheryl Cole, they just think that they do…“
Cheryl’s reply: “Because everyone wants to look like her? Chick with a dick.“
Classy and assy. Ashley’s one lucky lad.
It’s being labeled as the “Northern Chavvy” by hairstylists in London not too keen on Coleen McLoughlin’s new Skunktail Statement for hair.
Upon exiting her local hair salon in Liverpool, Coleen discovered she’d been given a parking ticket.
Insert your own ‘it was a ticket for fashion crimes against humanity’ line here.
Side Note: Anyone else heard about the nickname given to Coleen’s loyal crew of hangers-on in cheap dresses? “The Ugly Sisters” Ouch.