Melanie Slade is in Closer magazine this week looking nicely Stepford Wives with Twiglets for Arms Robotomatic Dolly.
If you want to download and read the Deadline magazine section of Closer, click here.
Deadline is part of a reality tv series that we really wish we cared about but the weather is nice, work is kicking our asses and c’mon, we have a thigh competition to judge.
Coleen is launching a “luxurious but affordable” brand, called “Coleen”. This summer we’ll be treated to her first perfume, possibly titled: “I’m Rich, Bitches!“ or “How To Create A Whole ‘Lotta Sumpthin’ Out of Nothin’”.
In other Col news, her first television show (she’s contracted with ITV to do reality-based programming around her life until 2009) is going to be gracing UK screens soon – it’s all about Coleen grooming a group of aspiring models with grooming tips while she zzzzzzzz…. Link: Coleen McLoughlin’s Beauty Line
Closer also makes a compelling photographic example that Joe Cole’s lady, Carly Zucker, has lost the badunk from her trunk and is getting too skinny.
Forget that. Our question: Is there ever a time, a moment, a place, that Carly Zucker doesn’t have her midriff uncovered?
We’re down with a little midriff, but this is like 80s Let’s Get Physical 20 Minute Workout Style midriff. In fact, it’s not a midriff, it’s a ribriff.
David has shaved his hair off. Rapidly changing hairstyles as a sign of an unstable marriage and the need to move in with the editor of Kickette: Discuss.
Less than 24 hours after we reported that Danielle Lloyd dumped Marcus Bent (after she was dumped by Teddy Sheringham), and swore she was finished with footballer players, Danielle got into an altercation at a nightclub over two footballers.
Danielle stumbled into the Paper Club in London, drunkity drunk, and began flirting with Charlton’s Jerome Thomas and Liverpool’s Jermaine Pennant, who were sitting at a table with a hard working blonde that had been putting in the time for her cash prize all evening. At the point when Danielle rolled through, the blonde was dancing on a table, again, working hard for her potential future windfall. Danielle also began some table dancing, but crossed the line when her intoxicated ass bumped into the blonde, who pushed her to the floor in a rage. Danielle was then seen leaving the club with a nasty looking bruised and bleeding leg.
We’re beginning to think some sort of intervention is necessary for Ms. Lloyd, no? She’s only twenty-three and is rolling through ballers at a speed that makes even us uncomfortable, not to mention this chick is acting rather skankalicious on a regular basis. Plus, there’s that whole redneck/bigot thing.
Wannabe WAGs take heed: this is not how to conduct your application for the club.
To see the pap shot of Danielle’s icky leg, check out the story at the Sun: Dani Catfight Over Premiership Aces
In another life, our favourite resident skank / former girl-crush Danielle Lloyd must have done something real, real bad… like buy discount shoes or wear a dog fur coat, because things are on the non-stop down stroke for her personal life lately.
After Danielle’s love affair with Teddy Sheringham went to pot and she started dating Charlton’s Marcus Bent, we all hoped she would stay out of the tabloids for a tad longer than 5 minutes. Such moments of joy were not to be.
Danielle’s been played out. By a man with the last name of Bent.
The Bent did his doggery whilst Danielle was in hospital to have a suspicious lump removed from her breast. Sources have not confirmed if this suspicious lump was actually Teddy Sheringham. During Dani’s hospital stay, Marcus was hooking up with Kirsty Fisher, an air hostess who ended up giving Marcus an ultimatum to choose between her or Danielle. It’s all class when you’re the mistress to a man who has a girlfriend in the hospital.
Danielle has since sworn off footballers, saying: “I’m obviously very disappointed with him and it’s gutting. Boys will be boys and footballers are the worst boys of all. I guess now it’s definitely no more footballers for me.“
Link: Dani Gives Footy Boys the Boot
Link: Bent Does The Dirty
Conflicting tales of Victoria Beckham converting to Scientology are emerging. Although so far, Lady Becks has successfully held off indoctrination, some say she has changed her mind and committed to the religion.
We all know Victoria has a will of steel (just watch her not eating for 12 hours on an intercontinental flight or continually denying she’s ever had a boob job), so why is she re-considering now?
It’s down to Katie Holmes, apparently. Some say that the friendship cooled because of the Beckham’s inertia at joining the Scientologists. Some say Tom Cruise has such a hold on Katie that he put the lock on her spending quality time with her BFF Victoria, and now that the California situation is nearly upon Victoria, she’s panicking – she needs a mate and she needs a high profile one to show up on her reality show.
The Daily Mail says: “Tom has made it clear their continued friendship depends on a commitment to Scientology. The way Tom sees it is that he has shown them a great deal of commitment during their move to LA.“
US Weekly says: “Katie’s friendship with Posh indicates she’s not fully committed to the Church” and says Victoria was so getting so annoyed by Tom Cruise’s constant sales pitches (he left 18 messages in an hour) (allegedly), that she snapped at him and said she was not interested in the religion, point blank.
David is not impressed with the Scientology situation, not least because he sure ain’t giving anyone any of his cash, and he doesn’t want his kids brought up in that environment. And to think, some say David doesn’t have a brain.
Link: Have The Cruises Succeeded?
We can all rest easier, take that vacation, and just exhale, now that the Beckhams have found a house in LA.
Victoria flew into LAX on Saturday to take care of business and sign the contracts. Question: couldn’t they just have the paperwork faxed over? Did she have to fly to LA in a nippletastic outfit? Perhaps that was included in the contract terms.
The house costs between £10 -£15 million and was described as “modern, airy, very light and spacious with lots of windows,” by a source close to the Beckhams. Let us state for the record that we sincerely hope no one paid that source for this useless piece of information. Isn’t that description fairly gosh durn obvious?
Perhaps if that wasn’t put on record, many innocent people would be concerned that the Beckhams would choose a hovel with no windows and an outdoor loo as their place of residence in LA.
If anyone would like to hire us for some expert insider quotes, please take this one as an example of our skillset: The Beckhams bought a house they really like. It is big.”