People, please! Form an orderly queue for a glimpse of the hawt.  Images: Alex Livesey/Getty Images Europe.

Dear Sir,

We don’t blame you for handcuffing yourself to a goalpost during the first half of Everton’s 1-0 victory over Manchester City in the EPL last night. Many have mocked you, but we often find it hard to resist the magnetic power of Joe Hart as well. We’ve also found the best way to pass the time or odd bout of insomnia is by thinking of the furry keeper in a variety of scenarios, which most definitely include restraints of some kind.

We realise it’d be difficult for a man of your societal stature to publicly declare your feelings since football fans can be merciless at times. From a few libation lunatics to another, we truly understand why you tried to hide your motives beneath the banner of a protest involving an airline.

Thus, our one request is that you slow your role and get in line behind us and the rest of the Kickette Army. If there’s any madcap pitch invasions of love to be made, we’re much more qualified to be making them.

Toodles,

Kickette HQ

Jose haz a sad. Image via Jasper Juinen/Getty Images Europe; Denis Doyle/Getty Images Europe.

Like a lot of you, we’ve noticed that The Special One’s dress sense has gone from GQMF to WTF. Case and point: to sweat out Wednesday night’s El Clasico, Jose wore track pants, a hoodie, and a puffer vest.

A puffer vest! Two years ago Jose would have used a puffer vest as a wee pad for his dogs. So what’s causing the dip in sartorial form?

Jose must have a case of the sadz. Sure, Real Madrid are 5 points clear at the top of La Liga and have a somewhat promising match up with CSKA Moscow in the knock out stage of the Champions League, but when push comes to shove they probably couldn’t beat Barcelona even if all the Blaugranas wore blindfolds and Messi played with his legs tied together.

Trophies are what matter. We think. Or so says Jose’s style.

When we’re down, our emergency stash of chocolate buttons is the first to go. Maybe for Jose it’s his custom-tailored suits. Barcelona is his Everest. Until he conquers it we’re in for Adidas, nylon and *gasp* polyester.

Oh it’s happening, Kickettes. And it will be starring a real live WAG.

Jessica Lawlor, girlfriend of Aston Villa’s Stephen Ireland, confirmed on Twitter this morning that she will have a role in WAG! The Musical.

She added:

“In my role I am simply making fun out of the pre conception that ppl have formed of ‘WAGS’… I find the stereotype funny and I’m going to have fun wit that [sic]“

No word on what the plot of the show will be yet, but if we were writing it we’d imagine a Legally Blonde meets Hairspray meets Wicked where a WAG with a ditzy heart of gold triumphs over adversity and the pale, unkempt, Fiat-driving masses to make it to the club in time to drink the bar dry and dance in the VIP.

Song titles can include “The Sound of Cash Registers,” “Defying Credit Limits,” and “You Can’t Stop The Louboutins.”

So who’s coming to opening night with us? The show is slated to open in London in June with a tour of the UK planned after. We think it’s best to get in early. Something tells us this one could have a short run.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Wazza, Gary Neville, Michael Owen and Tom Cleverley are the latest in a long line of ‘ballers befuddled by the diminutive magician’s awe-inspiring sleight of hand.

No, we have no idea how he does it either.

Think you’re up on the (sometimes un)polished pearls of WAG wisdom, boys and girls? Well then, step right up and give us your best guesses in our makeshift QOTD Quiz Game.

In the above crappily-configured chart, you’ll find the last seven days’ most memorable quotes as spoken by wives and/or girlfriends of footballers across Europe. All you have to do is correctly match all 9 women to their words and you win.

By ‘win’ we mean you’ll feel really good about yourself for all of 30 seconds. If that.

Answers will be revealed in tomorrow’s Good Week/Bad Week update, so happy guessing and no cheating!

Click here to view the embedded video.

We weren’t sure whether we could love Timmy Howard any more. Just to recap, we know that he looks like this naked and is clearly an ‘all-round top bloke‘ if our recent convo with him was anything to go by. But his response to scoring a wind-assisted wonder goal vs. Bolton Wanderers last night set off all kinds of special lovin’ feelings for us.

Adam Bogdan in cute, slightly less humiliating times. Image: Paul Gilham/Getty Images.

Howard’s 63rd minute clearance took an unlikely bounce in front of Bolton stopper Adam Bogdan and sailed into his net, but Howard observed the ‘keeper code and didn’t join in with his ecstatic team-mates’ mad celebrations. He later said he felt “awful” about scoring, especially since he too was suffering with the appalling weather conditions in the ground. Aww.

He needn’t have worried, though. Bolton ended up winning the game 2-1 after late strikes from David Ngog and Gary Cahill, so any concerns Timmy may have had about upsetting the karmic balance of global football have been allayed.

Good. We’re not sure we could take any more weirdness.

Image: FINDLAY KEMBER/AFP/Getty Images.

Remember kids. Smoking is bad. It rots your lungs, prematurely ages your skin and due to recently implemented non-smoking legislation, can cause hair frizzing as you stand outside in the rain.

Now, John Terry might have made our hair curl in the past with his nefarious lady-bothering activities, and even caused the odd bout of breathlessness when his shorts get clingy, but so far he hasn’t aged us. So we can understand his anger upon discovering that his image is being used on government issue warnings placed on a brand of cigarettes in India.

The England captain is apparently considering legal action against those responsible for the warnings, which were still adorning packets of ‘Gold Flake’ in Delhi yesterday. Rightly so, or is he just peeved because he didn’t get condoms, like Davey B a couple of years ago? Or his own version of this Oliver Kahn endorsed World Cup accessory from 2006?

Only time and legal action will tell, Kickettes.

Image Credit: Hola! Magazine.

Two important housekeeping issues we’d like to reiterate:

1. Watch what you eat or suffer the allergic reaction consequences ala Iker. God that looks like it hurts, doesn’t it?

2. Today’s the last day to vote in our FPCOTY poll. Have your say here.

Image via AP Photos.

The UK Home Office, responsible for immigration and passports, drugs policy, crime, counter-terrorism and police, has been tooting its horn for all to hear today.

The reason?

Arrests for football-related disorders among English and Welsh fans has hit a new, all time record low.

That would be 3,089 arrests, mind you, but still less than the +3,300 arrests recorded in 2009/2010.

Because everything is always a ‘top of the table’ competition in football, Manchester United now holds the distinction of having the highest number of football related arrests in the Premier League with 276. Outside of the top flight in the 2010/2011 season, Leeds is next on the list with a tally of 149.

Per the Manchester Evening News, last season went a little something like this:

“The vast majority of the arrests were for alcohol offences (127), followed by violent disorder (63), ticket touting (26), pitch invasions (20), public disorder (15) and possessing offensive weapons (11).”

Kickettes, your thoughts on this seemingly continuous trend of decreased football-related violence? Do you believe the substantial drop in off pitch crime is a testament to the fans of the game or the work of the police? And should The Home Office be so quick to celebrate this ‘major success story‘ or is football in the country still very much a league of shame?

Oh, and one more: if you’re the numbers crunching type, do you agree or disagree with United’s mathematical stance on the matter?

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CLUBS WITH MOST ARRESTS
• Manchester United – 276
• Leeds – 149
• Sunderland – 126
• Newcastle – 123
• Manchester City – 108

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CLUBS WITH MOST BANNING ORDERS IN TOTAL
• Cardiff City – 143
• Leeds – 106
• Chelsea – 105
• Manchester United – 101
• Newcastle – 98

Images via tumblr. Cheers to Kat for the tip!

… Olalla Dominguez giving Justin Bieber some serious side-eye?

Yes, Kickettes, it flippin’ well is. As most of you are probably aware, the Bieb-u-lator was at Stamford Bridge the other day for a kickabout with Frank Lampard and Olalla’s hubby Fernando Torres.

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It appears that the (thankfully) headgear-free one and his nummy compadre weren’t the only ones excited to meet the Canadian popstrel. Olalla can be seen having a bit of a fangirl moment on the sidelines during filming, and her interest in getting her hands on Justin is ruddy palpable in the locker room (below).

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When she’s got grown-up goods like this at home, we’re not sure why she would be so keen on a Junior Blue. Perhaps she figures she might be able to offload a few of Leo’s outgrown sleep suits on him?

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Ya think?