'WTF Files' Category

Buh-Bye: The England Squad

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Oh, mighty England, why do you suck so very badly? 

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Euro 2008 will go on, but how will we? And more importantly, how will the WAGs? With England out of the tournament, will the designer fashion industry be able to sustain itself during those cold and lonely days? Travel-wear has given us the best WAG fashion moments of our lives, after all.

We’re beginning to accept that our relationship with the England boys borders on a dysfunctional one. Can anyone explain why we continue to believe in success, when there hasn’t been hope since the dinosaurs ruled the earth?  The 3-2 to Croatia loss this evening was a festive game of craptastic coaching on a pitch made for mud wrestling with a goalkeeper that we want to poke with a stick. 

Every single time, it’s a head shaking, champagne curdling, annoyance of a situation.

We’re calling abstinence on this one.  Or Oprah.

WTF Files: VB’s Legs

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We had the same reaction as everyone else when we saw these nasty ass photos of Victoria Beckham’s legs: shock horror, followed by a heightened sense of superiority, followed quickly by the urge to point and go “nyah nyah nyah!“ and email her a link to the Thermage website. 

However, we finally settled on the assumption that the cellulite-ridden, weird old ass pensioner skin shop of horrors occuring before our eyes was a photoshop job.  Not that we don’t appreciate a good photoshop job when we see one (ie, the naked David Beckham pics).

As one can imagine, throughout the blog world the Victoria cellulite photos were discussed, analysed, mocked and scorned.  And then mocked and scorned again.  We witnessed and engaged in full scale debates in fan forums about the photoshop situ (a word of warning: don’t mess with Victoria Beckham fans, they keep it gangsta) examined dozens, maybe millions of photos of Victoria Beckham’s calves and we’re now thinking the pics are real, but very very evil.

The force of Lady V’s leg hitting the concrete whilst strutting, the lighting, the fact that the photographer has links with Satan – this is why Victoria’s normally perfect pins look like this.  Several national newspapers have printed them – and they have the budget to deal with million pound lawsuits, mind, and theh images were released by INF/GOFF without inconsistencies. The zoom shots come from other agencies – so they are two different sets of the same negatives.  Apparently.

When asked about the photos by journalist Victoria Newton, Victoria said, “Everyone has cellulite, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

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The Why Files: David Beckham’s Hair

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source: gossiprocks
image @ the Sport Industry Awards

It’s a sad, dark, and darkly sad day when Victoria Beckham looks better than her husband in a photo. 

Especially when the reason she looks better than her husband is not because she has some kind of fierce diamond ring or a cute accessory on her arm (like Romeo Beckham, for example), but because David has decided to cut his hair into a style one can only describe as that of a crazed and lonely shed worker buying lotto tickets on his break sort of hairdo.

We respect a man’s need to express himself creatively. Most of the time. (Looking at you, David James.)  Lord knows we’ve been 100% down for David’s styling choices over the years – the mohawk, the cornrows… even the cornrows didn’t shake us.  Perhaps, like all major catastrophe’s on a global scale, we’re still in shock and need to rest, recover and eat bon bons before we can fully deal.

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Link: Becks Gets a New Haircut

WTF files: Victoria Beckham, Pig Pursuit

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And we don’t mean pig like we’re talking to our homies, ie: the feds, five-oh, boys in blue, etc.  Nope, we’re talking about the four legged bacon variety of pig.  And who are we kidding? We don’t have homies.  Unless you count the salespeople at Fendi.

Warning: before we carry on, this story comes via the National Enquirer and you know what that means, right?  It’s like, totally fact-checked and completely true, riiiight?

Whilst looking around a private school for her sons in the suburb of Sherman Oaks, CA, Victoria Beckham was taking a look around a science lab.  Two pot-bellied pigs took a shine to her new look and began a hot trotter pursuit. Victoria ran off in her high heels screaming.

Oh, how we truly hope, wish and pray this event actually happened.  Video footage has yet to be unearthed.

Note: one of the pigs names is Horatio.

You can thank us for that crucial bit of information later.

Link: Pigs Don’t Like Victoria Beckham

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the WTF files: david james

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Dearest David, ye of former friday fit fame:

Look, we support your need to be creative, we really do. It’s an admirable trait.

But after the reveal this weekend of la barnet?

We have to issue this formal statement:

Hair relaxer is not a toy.

It is not meant for male footy players, especially those gifted with good looks and a half-assed/mostly crappy talent for goal tending.

The comb-over style of hairdressing is for bald men clinging to their three strands of hair. You are not those men.

You could have worked it out. You could have gone with a short, spiky-ish, messy doo. You know, like 99% of the general population is wearing right now. Did you miss that memo?

Wanting to be different = good. This = bad.

Finally, knowing that the relaxer you used is called “Bold and Beautiful” ? Go play in the traffic, you big girl.