November 2nd, 2011

Champions League Results Pt I: Breaking Records & Reputations

‘No, honestly. It’s fine. Break the two hundred goal record and celebrate with him first, why don’t you?’ Image: MICHAL CIZEK/AFP/Getty Images.

A manmeat feast with a side of sofa bum and extra short tent?

Enjoy your meal.

Arsenal 0-0 Marseille

Potentially a three-fer here, people. Spot the points of interest and gain… well nothing except the knowledge that you spend way too much time on this website. Image: Getty Images.


BATE Borisov 1-1 AC Milan

Ibra’s ‘Pony of Fear’ claims another victim. Image: VIKTOR DRACHEV/AFP/Getty Images.


Chelsea 1-1 Genk

We want to say something about ridiculous goal celebrations or Timotei shampoo here, but we can’t quite tear our eyes away from something else in this photo at the mo. Image: JOHN THYS/AFP/Getty Images.


Valencia 3-1 Bayer Leverkusen

Manuel Friedrich is actually a Kickette spy and is currently undertaking field work for us. We are expecting to receive his report in due course. It’s sure to be a corker, though! Image: AP Photo.


Seriously? You thought we did all this ourselves? Actually, the whole thing is a ruse. We have a network of spies working deep cover gathering all our info and we farm the writing out to a school of ill-trained monkeys.

It gives us more time to drink.

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33 Responses to “Champions League Results Pt I: Breaking Records & Reputations”

  1. [...] it wasn’t the sound of records breaking that accompanied our Champions League viewing last night, but the shattering of Basti’s [...]

  2. Arctic says:

    Am I the only one who finds Schürrle insanely handsome in a schoolboy sort of way?

    Certainly can't blame Friedrich for taking a gander.

  3. Monica says:

    Love how it does look like Pique is upset Messi didn't hug him! Great games!!
    Poor Chelsea, I was really hoping they'd win this one….but David Luiz is so cute! This reminds me of his head shake video….:)

  4. Alice says:

    congrats to Leo for 200 (and 2) goals! what an achievement for someone who's only 24.
    and I don't know why but after seeing that goal celebration, my perspective of David Luiz has just changed – he's quite hot :)

  5. xbabyshakesx says:

    ARSENAL!!!!!! the game was sooo intense! at least in the first half, sooo many chances missed and how cute was Aaron when he got all upset ^^ banging on the ground keke cute!

  6. JA7 says:

    Gah, frustrating game for Arsenal, but soooo glad to have the verminator back on the pitch! Though, it wasn't Park's best game..i still wana see more of him. He's quality.

  7. liz says:

    The Arsenal 3-fer has got to be: Mikel Arteta's abs, Mikel Arteta's thigh, and Mikel Arteta's face :)
    And although not in the picture, Aaron Ramsey

  8. Gladys says:

    Congrats to Valencia and Barca, of course! (Though I have to say it's always a little disappointing for me competition-wise when someone from the other team gets sent off early. Plzen was playing really rough– I was worried for the legs of both Leo and Thiago in the first half– but that tackle on Leo in the penalty area, while dangerous, seemed like a yellow rather than a red. Oh well. I guess the ref made some questionable calls for both sides. I just like my team to win on an even playing field.) And cheers to teenage Cuenca for another awesome game.

    BUT MOST OF ALL….Congrats to Apoel!! Still at the top of their group. A friend called them the CL's Levante (don't know about that at least money or age-wise), but it's nice to see a team from a country as small as Cyprus giving the big teams h*ll.

  9. Sarah, Madrid says:

    I am so happy for Valencia, the way Alvaro Arbeloa celerbated Soldado goal awww! But, what's happening to La liga stars, now banega is injured too :(

    • valencianista says:

      How did Arbeloa celebrate?? ;O do u mean on Twitter? AMUNT VALENCIA! :)

      btw, i loved how Adil Rami danced for the fans after his goal, you just have to L O V E him :)

      • Sarah, Madrid says:

        Yes I mean twitter :) , I love it when cantera or ex players contiune being supportive to each other!

  10. Agnes Wonka says:

    Well done Valencia!
    I wish Leo Messi would play that well for his NT. It's a bit unfair :S

    • xbabyshakesx says:

      It's just different for him, since he does not play with the people from his NT on a regular basis, thus making it different to get use to their style of play.

    • _Titi_ says:

      For Messi to do as well for NT the Argentinan FA needs to hire a competent coach that plays a team to their strengths. Even then, it will be dificult for Messi to replicate his stats for Barca in Argentina since for Argentina he plays much deeper into the pitch and not upfront like he does in Barca. In argentina he is the creative force behind the team, and the supplier of goals, and even there he isn't bad. Its not his fault that his teammates waste the chances he creates. Argentina deff needs to fix up that defensive line of theirs, why not play Masch there? That will free up space in the midfield for players like Banega and Pastore (who for some strange reason barely gets to play) who will rid Messi of the creative burden.

      • Kristina says:

        You talk a lot of sense :) . It's easy to criticize, a lot more difficult to find constructive solutions to a problem. Yes, Argentina has a team with top quality players, not only Messi, it's difficult to understand how they are doing so bad lately. I think they should listen to you ;)

      • Agnes Wonka says:

        I get what you say, but people and the sports journalists (the serious ones) usually agree that Messi's quality of game is lower in the NT.
        I feel that, too.
        Imo, the NT is in his 'to do' list.

        • Kristina says:

          Most journalists, and I guess everyone who cares about international football, agrees that the NT is on his "to do" list. The majority though does not put the blame on Messi. I think it's time to shift phocus from Messi's performance to that of the coach/es, and the leadership at the Argentinian FA. As Titi says, he's not bad in the NT. He just does not have the same spectacular role there as he has in Barca.

        • _Titi_ says:

          Most football journalists don't even deserve to be called journalists. The amount of drivel that gets printed/published on a daily basis in sites like etc is endless. Most people, who actually played the sport/have worked in the sport such as coaches agree that Argentina'a lack of success can't be blamed on Messi. Even Maradona agreed. Even the best player need good management to do well. The brazil team won the 1962 world cup without Pele being injured after the first game. Was pele one of the reasons they won in 1958, yes but they showed that they can do great things without him.
          idk why Im even arguing, the fact that a player needs to win a world cup inorder to be considered the best is stupid in my opinion.

          • Sarah, Madrid says:

            "to win a world cup inorder to be considered the best is stupid in my opinion", I consider this statement to be an excuse for players who flops , world cup was, is, will always be the biggest achievement that a player could accomplish in football world! Zidane, Brazilian Ronaldo, Pele, Maradona..etc needed as much time as the "stars available" right now to connect and do something for their NT, coaches, not having great teammates, all are excuses that I don't even look at because I look at team like FNT in 2006, was their a coach a good one? he is considered to be the worse, but he got a player who can lead, who is zizo! Why isn't de stefano or cryuff always there close in comparsion to Pele and Maradona because they never won a world cup!

            • Sarah, Madrid says:

              + In my humble opinion, Messi is doing ok for his NT, ok is not enough for the soon to be the ballon d'or winner for the third time, BUT I don't blame him because people tend to forget he is 23, he has been in Barc in protective atmosphere that helped him alot, in Argentine he is pressured for 23 years old this could be over-whelming, I expect him to win 2014 world cup because after 3 years from now he will be matured to lead his NT to glory!
              I won't be speaking about jounralist, but I get a friend who is an argentine, he is telling me Messi is definitely not a very loved player by NT fans out-there, the constant comparsion to Diego is doing no-one no good right because Diego was 27 when he won 1986, in 1982 he was sent off causing his country to flop although he was considered like Messi to be the superstar of that cup

              • _Titi_ says:

                Your talking out of your ass if you say that Messi is not loved by Argentinian fans. Most argentinians love Messi and they actually blame the managers and management. Its easy to make generalizing statements from the outside.
                And no not winning the world cup shouldn't nullify the fact that you are a great footballer. Players like George Best, Cryuff don't get equal recognition as Pele and Maradona despite being better footballers, what separates them? the fact that two won a 8 match competition where anything can happen while the there two didn't. Despite winning everything but that one competition. Did Maradona ever win the the CL? A competition much tougher than the world cup. Pele didn't even play in Europe, he played in a brazilian league where defense didn't exist.
                "needed as much time as the "stars available" right now to connect and do something for their NT, coaches, not having great teammates, all are excuses that I don't even look at "
                no one player can ever lead a whole team to gold. Pele played alongside the likes of garrincha and Maradona with valdano, batista Zidane with the likes of Thuram, Petit, Pires, Deschamps I can go on because that France team was f*cking amazing. anyways point is one man can't win alone in a team sport no matter what some people say. Bad management can make the best teams flop like france 2002.

                • Sarah, Madrid says:

                  First, I only said my friend who is an Argentine ( he goes back and forth from there and know how the public talks), France I said 2006, not 1998 in 2002 Zizo was injured, he was playing with an injury in that cup, I was talking about 2006!
                  Other than that, it is not me who makes the rule about that it is people or fans in football world, everyone knows who is pele and maradona are, btw I am too young to see Diego at his best, but anyone who did said that he was the one behind Argentine succes both in 1986 and 1990 where they had the worse team in that cup!
                  Anyway, Messi is young I already said it and you chose to overlook it, he has all the time in the world to prove it for the doubters on the national level.
                  I would like to argue more, but I am too sick to argue this time, sorry and you way too defensive for me :)

  11. Kristina says:

    Off to a concert, just want to say that I love the captions! Messi is incredible, and welcome back Alexis. Luiz makes me confused. He´s cute and strange and sexy all at the same time

  12. Kat22 says:

    Lol! Maybe David Luiz didn't put his hands on Fernando to bless him after all…maybe it was to get the power of Nando's short tent…seems to have worked. :-)

  13. Pam says:

    Hats off to Leo Messi for his second successive hat-trick and reaching 202 goals for Barcelona! Awesome accomplishment for someone who is only 24!

    Continue having fun with football at your feet Leo.