April 13th, 2011

Champions League Results, Pt I: Sadness, Squeezing & Scary Shoes

Lampsy needs a hug, Kickettes. No pushey-shovey as you form an orderly queue, please. Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

We think this is what they call ‘the sharp end’ – that time of the season when one bad decision, one slip or one moment of genius could be the difference between eternal glory and agonising heartbreak for players and fans alike.

Our waistlines absolutely love this time of year.

Manchester United 2-1 Chelsea (3-1 agg)

Don’t squeeze too tight, Wazza. Any damage to Cheech’s nether regions would be heartbreaking for us. Images: AP Photo & Reuters/Daylife.

Playing sport at an elite level has it’s advantages. As Fernando Torres (left inset) is learning, it also has its £50million price tag downsides.

Carlo Ancelotti had little choice but to start the second leg of this Champions League quarter-final with Torres, but this morning even he hinted that his decision may have been a freckle too far. Down 1-0 from the first leg on their home turf, Chelsea had to score at the Theatre of Dreams in order to pose any terse threat to Manchester United’s place in the semi-finals. While Torres tried his heart out, the Blues’ lack of form and communication was brought sharply into focus by Wayne Rooney and Javier Hernandez. As luck would have it, it was our favourite future Salsa maker who broke the stalemate moments before half time, firing a Ryan Giggs’ cross into the roof of the net.

When the teams returned to the pitch for the 2nd half, Didier Drogba swapped spots with FT, a decisive move which – in the 77th minute – drew further attention to the Italian manager’s line-up ‘mistake’ once DD slotted home a priceless away goal. Chelsea’s celebration was short-lived and skint on skin, though, since Park Ji-Sung selfishly cut the Blues’ shirt-stripping time short an eyelash blink later. You owe us, PJ-S, and we *will* call the collections agency on your bootay if you don’t make good.

It didn’t help their cause that the nippy Ramires was sent off for two yellow card offences, but Chelsea cannot afford to look back now. It’s unlikely that room will need to be made in the trophy cabinet this season and we will await Roman Abramovich’s next move with interest.


Shakhtar Donetsk 1-0 Barcelona (6-1 agg)

The designers of Leo’s Adidas F50′s clearly didn’t compare notes with Barca’s away kit sketch artists did they? Getty Images/Zimbio.

The normally sugar-happy staffers who drew pulled this tie out of our writing assignment hat were not the happiest of bunnies last night. They thrive on excitement and artificial sweeteners, y’see, and while the prospect of Shaktar turning over the 5-1 deficit from the first leg was indeed exciting, it was also about as likely as Wayne Rooney giving up swearing for lent.

Image: AP Photo/Daylife.

Leo Messi scored the only goal of last night’s game, who maintained his composure in spite of his family’s recent brush with gun-toting criminals. At the end of it all, the aggregate score was as lopsided as we all imagined, sending Barcelona through to the semis against either Spurs or Real Madrid. Despite an evening’s raucous merriment and football watching, we are still just about capable of predicting that Real Madrid are the more likely victors of tonight’s fixture against Spurs.


The competition is fixated on upping our intake of digestive biscuits, people. Can you see past Barca for the win? Or will Sir Alex, Jose Mourinho, Ralf Rangnick or even Harry Redknapp have something to say about it?

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50 Responses to “Champions League Results, Pt I: Sadness, Squeezing & Scary Shoes”

  1. TariGirl.x.ManUtd says:

    Manchester United For Life . I'm so happy we won , betting Chelsea . I Really want the final to be Manchester United vs Barcelona , rematch of 2008-09 UEFA Champions League Final .

  2. Lotte says:

    You have my thumbs up, Thea.

  3. FloraJane says:

    Most of my boys need hugs. I'm heartbroken for them. And just when I was about to get my hate on for Ryan Giggs he proved that he's one of the few United players that I can have much personal respect for. In a team full of bad attitudes- especially looking at you Nani and Rooney- he's a class apart. United owe their position in both leagues to Giggs for the game winning goals he's set up (or scored himself). What would that midfield be without him? But near the end, when John Terry was battling Giggs and Valencia for the battle and they all went down, Valencia got up and shoved John in the back while he was still on the ground. Nice one Valencia. Classless arse. But Giggs reached down, took JT by the hand and helped him up, and showed some real class. I can't hate on that. (A cute little sportmanlike hug ensued, too, which is always nice to see.) But moving on, Chelsea had a great first half, but too many missed chances. United didn't miss any of their chances. Pretty simple in the end. So I guess now this means I'll have to cheer for Mourinho's "other" team.

  4. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Giggs is the real hero, he assisted all three goals, so exicting to see 2 legends go head to head, Raul vs Giggs, although I have the greatest respect to Giggs, but I cant go against my emotions, I always support Raul Blanco! what a legend, his assist yesterday! He brought tears to my eyes, yes he can! He proved himself to be more than one club legend, he is a world Legend! He deserves a call Spain ahead of Torres, Del Bosque DO IT! lol.

  5. rubyqueen says:

    how mouthwatering would a real madrid v barcelona final would of been.??such a shame they play each other in the semi's.!!:( and can i say did rooney and chica nearly have a romp on the grass.???;)

  6. xoWinnie says:

    another clasico…i am in the midst of a breakdown.

  7. Pique_Xavi says:

    I just want to say that I dream of a final between FC Barcelona and Manchester United… I'm not really fan of either club but of individual players. I do love Barca for what it represent not in winnings like many of their new fans but how they play together and with a not giving up attitude when they are down or having a hard time as it was yesterday. However, Manchester United has Chicharito and I support my fellow men. I'm really proud of him for not only following and working hard for his dream when he was told by "professionals" that he was not good enough to make it in the professional world of football. He's also the most polite football player in our country or so everyone who meets him says… I believe it. I want to see how he would handle Barcelona… I don't want Mou to get near him. He can be great all he wants, but I wouldn't want to see him in RM and Mou has said he would like to work with him.

    • Gladys says:

      I'm not really loyal to any particular EPL team, but I just love Chicharito…I don't know how– even if you can't stand Manchester United–you could dislike that sweet bundle of talented politeness. I'm so happy when he does well. Something about him just makes the world seem like a nicer place.

  8. Marie says:

    Absolutely mesmerized by Messi, It wasnt one of his best games but i love the fact that he is always there when we need him!

  9. Summer says:

    I think about Moscow 2008 everyday and I cannot still find a way to explain me it..

  10. chay says:

    i "had" to watch the chelsea vs. manu match just to see if torres would produce any results. We all know the results: such sadness, truly gut-wretching sadness. No offense to anyone, but i think that nando has become a sort of bad luck charm. Now that he's left liverpool, things are picking up over there, and now that he's on chelsea, it's called a fail. I do feel bad for the boy, i can imagine the stress he's under.

    having said that, chicharito–rock on! And drogba, he deserved to make that goal. And hell yeah to park for that great comeback that stole the moment of glory from drogba!

    • IheartSpain says:

      I don't believe in bad luck charms, only good ones. Besides, Chelsea were loosing lots from Nov.-Jan before FT started there. Also, Liverpool had a great month of Jan. with Torres scoring 4 goals in 5 games, or 5 in 4, something like that. Torres is having a tough time right now but he'll get it sorted, he's too good not to. Because of internet craziness, plus his popularity, this has heaped way too much pressure on "the kid."

  11. Lily says:

    Don't speak too early Kickette, Madrid is still there Alive and full of life!!! HALA MADRID HALA MADRID!!!!!!!!

    We are coming we are coming we are coming!!!!

    • Lily says:

      Oh ya and I genuinely feel bad for Torres, he's an amazing player but I think the stress level since December has gotten to him? He had a few good shots blocked last night. I think he needs some more training and time to adjust the team, coach should let him ease in a bit before dumping everything on him. Congrats to Barca and ManU

    • chay says:

      yes to the merengues!!! as much as i adore leo messi (and i do adore his little argentine self), i'm still with RM!

  12. Devilish-x says:

    Oh I'm still buzzing from last night, the game was so awesome! Seriously cannot get over how amazing Giggsy is..<3
    Sheesh when drogba scored, my heart sank and then 20seconds later Parkk scored!
    I'm so proud of all the lads, they all worked so hard and played for each other! Yipeeee :')

  13. LuvinBale says:

    I am very scared and nervous for tonight. I just dont see us making it through to the next round- even we had Huddlestone, Bale, Modric, Defoe, VdV, Lennon and the rest of the 1st string on the pitch.
    How do you go up against a team like Real Madrid already down?

    I will pray, make voodoo dolls of Real and maybe do some chanting and if all else fails I will just get piss ass drunk!

  14. beri says:

    ….Glory, Glory Man United and the Reds go marching on, on, on….

    So happy for my boys…t'was a well deserved victory!~

  15. Red_Girl says:

    Tbh Dasha looks so bored when she accompanies Roman to the matches that if I were her I'd be plugging shamelessly for him to sell up, or redevelop Stamford Bridge, or whatever he has as a plan b, and let me spend the money on conquering the art world. It would have to be less of a roller-coaster ride than footie.

    As for Torres, he needs a 4-2-3-1 style set-up, but he may have lost his pace anyway, which would remove one of his great weapons in that system.

  16. Agnes Wonka says:

    yeah!! I'm so happy for MU!!!!!!!!!!

  17. NinaNoir says:

    I'm not a Chelsea fan but my heart is breaking for Nando. I can't decide which is more sad, him pouting on the bench or the constant frustration on the pitch. There's an amazing player somewhere inside him, trying to break out but still struggling. I hope something happens, fast, to lift him out of this post-transfer rut.

  18. Summer says:

    What I can say? It's simply disappointed but life's but a walking shadow; a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. I know that we have to move foward, it's difficult but Chelsea has to do it, and I'm also sure that one day JT will realize his dream. I don't want to say a single words about Fernando Torres because this Nando isn't anymore the Nando that I've known. One someone will explain me where is he, why Didi was on the bench, why Anelka still continues to play, why Carlo Ancellotti has done the wrong choice. Even thought my heart still burns for Chelsea and belongs to it, but now I will support Utd and I hope it will succeed in winning the Champions League.

  19. Miss XOXO says:

    I really sad my favourite team Chelsea FC out of Champion League…Frankie face tell all what i feel right now:-(

  20. LaraSergio&SaraIker says:

    Im so happy for my Barca & for Ibi, who played whole 90min last night ;) )

  21. lorena_yGp says:

    THX Kickette's for posting that video of Barcelona 99!!! :-) )) every time I feel like I am watching it "live" it gets me sooo emotional!!!
    and about yesterdays results-

    Que Sera, Sera
    Whatever we'll be, we'll be,
    We're going to Wembley
    Que Sera, Sera……

  22. Thea says:

    More than a club Kickette – so the answer is no, can't see past Barca for the win!

    • Yoss says:

      Barcelonas motto may be "More than a club" but that doesn't only apply to Barcelona. Manchester United has a rich history too, filled with tragedies & triumphs, the same for Liverpool etc. So i'd say that almost every club in the world is "more than a club"

      • Thea says:

        And when you support any football team, you never walk alone ….BUT that saying is reserved for Liverpool fans and is generally respected as that – so perhaps it's only fair to do the same for Barca! xxxx

      • Lotte says:

        Why, oh why, does this line upset people all the time? Yes of course Manchester United is more than a club for their fans. Barca just happened to have the wits to make it their slogan. So? It is apparantely not wrong to feel that way for your club, but it is wrong to say it out loud. Is that what you mean? Good grief.

      • TariGirl.x.ManUtd says:

        AMEN TO THAT.!

  23. Sergz says:

    I support Man United so it was a great night for me, but I have to say, what has happened to Chelsea? Don't be offended you Chelsea supporters, but what is up with your team? Chelsea are usually so much better but these last two games have been really weak. And why was Drogba on the bench? He was their best player by far! Oh well…
    United won the game fair and square and I like the fact that there weren't any fights, I think I even saw Evra & Drogba hugging/cuddling, lol.

    • xoWinnie says:

      it hasn't been the last two games hun, they've been struggling all season! it's heartbreaking!

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      This might be the worst season for Chelesa, they were one of the first nominees to win the whole thing. What happened, seriously!

      However, hats off! SAF, they thought Man united will struggle, they were the last club who everyone expected for them to reach the final, they are the closest now! irony, Sir Alex has beaten all the odds! I dont support Man united, actually as a Madrid fan, I shouldn't be fan of this club, BUT I can't with Giggs, I have a weakness toward old players who still plays like they are in their 20s, what a players Kudos!

  24. Linda says:

    Yesssssssss!!! Oh my God,Park and Chicharito you truly are my heroes!! When Drogba equalised I started to break stuff in my living room, good thing Park scored 22 seconds later!! hahaha
    What to say about Chicharito, bargain of the century I tell you! And the Reds go marching on on on!!
    A special thanks to Ancellotti who decided to start with Torres instead of Drogba…Like anyone can see that something is up with Torres. He doesn't look like the same player. I actually feel sorry for him, he looks lost.
    Come back El Nino, even though i support United I have always had a soft spot for ya. I hope watever is wrong can be fix soon because above all I am a football fan and I hate to see a player like you going through this. Buena suerte El Nino,espero que las cosas se ponen mejor para usted.