October 20th, 2011

Champions League Results Pt.II: Prayers, Lies & A Convex Shape

Well, David Luiz’ magic hands seemed to do the trick, didn’t they? In all sorts of ways. Image: AP Photo/Tom Hevezi.

The photographers at this week’s round of Champions League fixtures are not on our payroll. We feel the need to mention this today, for some reason.

AC Milan 2-0 BATE Borisov

For best results when using this product, we recommend avoiding anything north of the forehead. Image: Marco Luzzani/Getty Images.


Barcelona 2-0 Plzen

Hmm, interesting. Like Plzen, we’ve occasionally employed ‘the swift blow to the head’ manoeuvre to quieten down problematic boys. It’s fine as long as you don’t hot them too hard. Image: David Ramos/Getty Images.


FC Porto 1-1 Apoel Nicosia

According to UEFA**, French ref Antony Gautier is the tallest guy ever to officiate a European Cup tie. Tru fax! Image: MIGUEL RIOPA/AFP/Getty Images.


Marseille 0-1 Arsenal

While we know Arsenal fans will be thrilled by Aaron Ramsey’s late, late show, could we politely point out (for blood pressure purposes) that securing the points a little earlier works too? Image: REUTERS/Jean-Paul Pelissier.


Olympiakos 3-1 Borussia Dortmund

Jose Holebas (l) played in the Bundesliga for eight years before signing for Olympiakos. Germany-based Kickettes? We’re blaming you for this outrageous abs oversight. Natch. Image: REUTERS/Giannis Liakos/Icon.


**Editor’s Note: Clearly, this is not true. But occasionally we have to humour the staffers by letting them run with their outlandish ideas. And the office carpet simply cannot take another ‘revolt’.


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49 Responses to “Champions League Results Pt.II: Prayers, Lies & A Convex Shape”

  1. die steel says:

    Good stuff as per usual, thanks. I do hope this kind of thing gets more exposure.

  2. Sharni says:

    hnnnngng aaron ramsey, he is one yummy piece of man. but i agree that his celebrations should involve more shirt removal :P

  3. indianmuggle says:

    For me , Messi's the best.. in all aspects. and i mean ALL

  4. Jenny says:

    I love Aaron Ramsey :)
    and Nando…Keep it up. I have never doubted you. Also as Liverpool fan ;)

  5. FabregasPublicist says:

    I'm so happy to see my boy, Azza, score that winner! My boy has grown up! But I think he still needs to take off his shirt when celebrating, no?

  6. ash says:


  7. xbabyshakesx says:

    It still amazes me how Arsenal can do sooo well in CL but horribly in league =.= but none the less COYG!!!!!! ^^

  8. [...] more: Champions League Results Pt.II: Prayers, Lies & A Convex Shape … Related Posts:Barclays Premier League Results – October 15th, 2011 … The Barclays Premier [...]

  9. Carvivlie says:

    How much do I love the personality of David Luiz!!!! And I'm not even a Chelsea supporter.

  10. Agnes Wonka says:

    LOL seems like Fernando is being touch by an exorcist!

    Am I the only one who looked at Leo Messi's "package" in the picture?

    well done for Arsenal!

  11. sofiagreece says:

    oh…joseee…<3 well..he isn't that good looking but he really has a great body..!!! you should have a look from behind…if you see what i mean…!!! moreover he is the type of guy who went through difficult times..and this makes him even hotter!
    His Greek father left them when he was a baby.At the age of 13,he had his first opportunity,but his mother rejected the offer from Eintracht Frankfurt wanting him to get a degree.Perhaps,this is one of the reasons that the he rebelled. "I made a lot of nonsense. I drank a lot … adolescence's thinks..and I had bad friends. Bad influences, bad friends. " He gave up school at secondary school to learn to paint cars.The dream of his mother would be permanently deleted. Shortly after, so would do his own.Jose,who stood out of the crowd among amateur clubs,would confront the teenage mistakes.His girlfriend becomes pregnant and decides to keep the child. For Tanisa, who is now nine years old, Jose would make the biggest sacrifice.He quits football and gets forced to work double shifts in a warehouse. thanks to his uncle he got back on track and at the age of 22 took a second chance as a footballer. "Yes, my life is a battle. It's a battle that started as a child. " :) ))

  12. mimi says:

    It was a magical moment between Nando and David! Glad Nando scored a brace!

  13. IrishBlue says:

    Oooh I wanna rub Nando too! It was a great performance all round from my boys last night, even if the opposition weren't the best. Except Meireles' hair, seriously Raul?? Who told him that looked good??

    Ah, now all I need is to win the lottery, buy myself a helicopter and a season ticket for Chelsea and I would be sorted, simple.

    • April says:

      "Oooh I wanna rub Nando too!"

      That is great- just conjured up so many good thoughts in my mind that are going to make it so hard for me to focus on work for the next 4 hours!

      • IrishBlue says:

        That photo was made for those kind of thoughts, I mean the guy is quite obviously presenting his 'magic lamp' to us ;-)

    • bri_saldana says:

      Meireles is a hipster…there's no need for anyone to tell him this is not flattering. I MISS HIM AS A RED!

  14. Sarah, Madrid says:

    I don't like this ucl for La liga teams!!! Valencia pissed me off, like por favor pass the ball for your buddy not to leverkusen player!! I hope they qualify now!

    Happy for Arsenal, I heard it was painful to watch, but happy that they won!!

  15. liandotorres says:

    El Nino is back!!! He was absolutely amazing last night…it’s a slap on the face to all of those who said he had lost it all together.

  16. April says:

    So.. in an attempt to move on from my fascination with Nando's body, I will evaluate his footy skills. Bravo for his performance last night and shame on people who continually need to discount his improved work. I seem to recall a few hat tricks he got in the past, against less formidable opponents, that were well celebrated. And while last night he failed to notch a third, I hardly feel his brace should get a "well Genk is terrible, who cares?". It's also unfair to Genk, who managed to only let 1 goal by in the second half, despite having about 1 true defender on the pitch. They put up the best fight they could, and I sure hope that their injury-ridden team can come back in a couple weeks with more of their defenders in tow, and that Nando can whip a couple past them then too ;) Genk also drew against Valencia on opening day… the same result that Chelsea could manage against that team.

    People keep saying "let's see him do that in the Premiership against a quality side"… well, he almost did against ManU, who were the top of the table at the time. Besides… it is good for football and the Premier League to have Torres in his best form. Makes for exciting football.

    Cheers to Ramsay as well, for helping his team out last minute there. Sometimes those are the best victories.

    • lara says:

      well said

    • IrishBlue says:

      Totally agree with you, nicely put :)

    • Kat22 says:

      That's a good point. Saying that last night's score is nothing to write home about doesn't just insult Fernando's abilites, it also insults Genk.

      If they drew with Valencia then they can't be that bad, can they?

      • April says:

        Exactly! They were top of the Belgian League last year, good enough to make it into Champions League, drew Valencia (which was Chelsea's toughest competition yet). You can only score against the competition they put in front of you, right? No one insults single goals from Villa or Iniesta when they go up against less than level competition (not that I am saying they should.. just drawing a comparison, folks! FYI- Plzen is in the 19th ranked UEFA league, Genk is in the 12th). And they lost most all their defenders to injury for this game, so they really had to park the bus with what they had. Genk is also good enough for Chelsea to buy a goalkeeper of theirs, and to pursue one of their forwards.

        One day I will get to understanding just why people like tearing Torres and similar entertainers apart so much. Methinks it's a sad part of human nature.

        • Kat22 says:

          You're probably right in saying it's a sad part of human nature, but I can't recall any other footballer getting as much stick in the international press as Fernando.

          Rooney went through a bit of a lean spell, not to mention the indiscretions (for lack of a stronger word) in his personal life and the fact that he wanted to leave his oh-so-beloved United but ended up staying for a bigger paycheck.

          Somehow Fernando just ended up as Public Enemy Number One and I don't understand it either.

          While I still think his red card was justified I am also looking forward to his return against Arsenal at the end of the month because like you said – it makes for more exciting football when he's on song. He's a joy to watch and that's not just because he's got the body of a Greek God and the face of an angel, lol.

  17. Miss XOXO says:

    Nando scoring double for the blues…Im very proud with him.

  18. littlemissfoggy says:

    "It’s fine as long as you don’t *hot* them too hard."

    Hee hee. Awesomely appropriate misspell, Kickette. :)

  19. lola says:

    nothing but love for the men in 1st picture.

  20. Kat22 says:

    Oh my…that is one nice short tent Fernando has going on in that picture. David Luiz putting his hands on him and Nando closing his eyes gives way to all sorts of dirty fantasies…

    Seriously though – you couldn't help but feel sorry for Genk last night. Chelsea well and truly thrashed them!

    And yet the press (certainly the German and English) seems to be focusing on the negatives again. Fernando scored, but it was 'only against Genk'. Poor guy can't seem to win. Was good to see him smile last night though. :-)

    • Kat22 says:

      P.S.: Raul's goal was a cracker!

    • April says:

      I knew that short tent would be much too good for Kickette to resist. To be perfectly brash about it, I wouldn't mind being in the middle of Luiz and Torres there!

    • xoWinnie says:

      "David Luiz putting his hands on him and Nando closing his eyes gives way to all sorts of dirty fantasies… "
      LOL gurl–you funnay!

    • Kristina says:

      You know, David can feel totally free to put his hands on me too. Nando seems to like it and I'm sure I would enjoy it too. I'm totally convinced I would…

      And I agree with you on the poor attitude against Torres. They should cut the guy some slack, and stop insulting teams like Genk.

  21. xoxosp says:

    I love James Rodriguez, he's cute <3