February 16th, 2012

Champions League Results: Ugly, Pretty & What Lies Between

Melissa Satta Boateng girlfriend naked footballer eyebrows with slashes

Image: REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini.

Satta dating KPB brother Jerome plays in BundesligaWe’re at the business end of the Champions League now, Kickettes. For some, this is an opportunity to continue what looks to be an irresistible march towards Munich, while for others (namely a certain North London outfit), it was a brutal exposure of the frailties they’ve been struggling to overcome all season.

Look away now, Gunners fans. Unlike Kevin-Prince Boateng (or his WAG, fellas?), it’s not a pretty sight.

Lyon 1-0 Apoel Nicosia

Yoann Gourcuff. Exposed in the midfield. In a good way, obviously. Image: PHILIPPE DESMAZES/AFP/Getty Images.

Apoel Nicosia are the first Cypriot side to reach this stage of the Champions League, like evah, so they’ll be pleased to have kept Lyon within nipping distance for the second leg. This says more about Lyon’s failure to make the most of their opportunities in front of goal that Apoel’s abilities though – they had an amazing 64% of overall possession and eighteen goal attempts to one.

Other stats emerging from last night’s match: Yoann Gourcuff’s inner thigh measurements, which were estimated to be in the region of 15 inches. Do with that what you will, Kickettes.

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Bayer Leverkusen 1-3 Barcelona

Stefan Kießling, flattened in the rush towards Leo Messi, apparently. Images: PATRIK STOLLARZ/AFP/Getty Images, Joern Pollex/Bongarts/Getty Images.

German player style fashion EPL former player Ballack Simone divorceOver-enthusiasm to acquire a used football shirt is something we’re quite familiar with here at Kickette HQ, so unlike their boss Rudi Völler, we’re going to offer props to Leverkusen’s Michael Kadlec and Manuel Friedrich. The battle to acquire Leo Messi’s jersey after their defeat was apparently so unseemly, Völler says he’s going to make them auction the garment off.

Michael Ballack attended the game in a black leather jacket, you should know. He looked finger-licking gooooood.

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Zenit St Petersburg 3-2 Benfica

Tomas Hubocan and his buns. We’ll take a truck load, please. Image: KIRILL KUDRYAVTSEV/AFP/Getty Images.

We’re not going to lie, we haven’t got a clue what happened in this game, except that it finished 3-2. You probably worked that out for yourselves though.

Just remember, fewer words from us means more photos of semi-nude footballers for you.

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AC Milan 4-0 Arsenal

RVP Gunners captain hot sexy body

Fairytale endings are so much more fun to report on than reality. Which is why watching Arsenal suffer a good old thumping at the hands of AC Milan at the San Siro last night was so awful – even for the neutral.

The writing was on the wall before Thierry Henry stepped onto the pitch for what was almost certainly his last ever appearance in an Arsenal shirt – they were already 2-0 down when the NY Red Bulls striker replaced Theo Walcott – but it still would’ve been super cool for him to sign off with a consolation goal or five.

Sadly, Milan weren’t in the mood for fairytales and scooped two more before the final whistle, giving themselves one hell of a cushion to take to the Emirates. Arsene thinks it’s done and dusted, but Ibra reckons it could have been more.

That boy is never happy unless he’s booting someone, is he?

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Is the surly Swede entitled to demand the best from his colleagues after a performance like that? Feel free to riff on that and other matters related (and not quite so related) to football, Kickettes.

The floor is yours.

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29 Responses to “Champions League Results: Ugly, Pretty & What Lies Between”

  1. dilki says:

    how could leverkeusen not win with ballack looking so hot n cheering them on? :P

  2. DrStrangelove says:

    Anyone else think RVP looks like Lord Voldemort in that picture? (Sorry, I mean of course The Dark Lord)

    Cue lots of 'He can teach me Parseltongue any day of the week!'-style comments.

  3. nayet21 says:

    I’m so happy for milan team they were great, but I did feel sorry for the gunners :(

  4. S4Jill says:

    That game was pure devastation. It hurt like hell to watch that demolition. Especially awful on Henrys last night. A few tears definately fell from my eyes. I think a lot of it had to do with their kit being yellow. What a hideous colour to play in. Holding thumbs Kosielny isn't badly injured, he's the best defence at the moment. Lets hope the 2nd leg at the Emirates is a better come back. COYG!

    • ipanema_gurrl says:

      interesting theory on the choice of their away kit. Well, I think in addition to the dreadful yellow kit the devastating demolition of my beloved Arsenal might also have had something to do with a non-functioning midfield, a defense that was awful and forwards who basically were non existent or not in the mood to play or who knows what. And I still can't decide if Arsenal were that bad that AC Milan looked like they were the new super football power for years to come, or if it was actually the other way around and AC MIlan was so good that Arsenal looked like headless chickens running around aimlessly on this G*d awful pitch, or whether it was a combination of both. The yellow jersey certainly didn't help. Anyway, it hurt very much to see them like that.

  5. footballa says:

    It makes me mad that I can't watch enough games with Yoann Gourcuff. The time differece between Europe and the US makes it incredibly difficult.

  6. xbabyshakesx says:

    BOOTY TENG!!!!! WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME AND ARSENAL!?!?!?! >____<

  7. Agnes Wonka says:

    I feel so bad for Arsenal and Bayern Leverkusen :(
    RVP's tongue….mmmmmmm ;)

  8. rossanera says:

    I was really nervous for Milan, and this was the most amazing of surprises! I am so proud of my team! My heart goes out to the Gooners girlies, but I am ECSTATIC with Milan's victory. As our ancestors used to say: "veni, vidi, vici." I hope Milan's stellar performance can finally give all the Serie A naysayers cause to shut their mouths … Italians play "boring", "defensive" football? Milan is old and slow? I shall sit back and allow this result to speak for itself.

  9. FloraJane says:

    mmm…Michael Ballack. That man always looks amazing!!!

  10. Tessa says:

    Thiago is so fucking hot, love his eyes, want to marry him and make a lot of babies with him =D

  11. liz says:

    the arsenal game was a nightmare. i was legit crying. it was just awful i feel so bad for my boys :(

    …at least ramsey didn't kill someone

  12. ninotshka says:

    the Arsenal game made me mad and sad at the same time. Mad, because they didn't find a way to break the fierce attacking of AC Milan and incredibly sad because the probably best striker the EPL has seen in the last three to five decades has yet again left Arsenal. Thierry Henry is a wonderful player, a role model for the Arsenal youth and beyond an all over pretty nice guy. The king left again to rule the soccer territory overseas, but I will be grateful forever to him for the wonderful years and the fantastic moments he gave his fans at Arsenal and any lover of the beautiful game. Ok, that sounds like a obituary :-) I'll miss him truly, he grew dear to my heart as he did to the countless other fans he made happy time and again.

  13. littlegreenpea says:

    I don't really have much to say this week… city and united are out, and there weren't any really exciting games. I was kind of underwhelmed. :(

  14. sarah says:

    Yoannn Yoann Yoann Yoann Yoann Yoann Yoann Yoann Yoann Yoann Yoann Yoann <3 <3 <3

  15. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Oh this ucl week was horrible I won't be lieing, you are waiting for this competition for long, then you are disappointed, thanks for zenit and benefica for saving the day

    • Agnes Wonka says:

      I think just the same :S

    • DebS says:

      I know, right? I started to watch the Barca game but it was just so painfully boring. Leverkusen couldn't even hang on to the ball for more than 2 passes it seemed. Fair play to Barca but I was hoping for a good game. Finally just shut it off.

      Guess it's good I didn't watch the Arsenal match. O_o

  16. Kristina says:

    I rooted for the Gunners :( . But what the hell happened? You have to give it to Milan, though. They were fierce!

    And Messi broke the goalscorer record held by Raul and Shevchenko. Of course. Congrats to him and all the lovely Barca boys! I think Puyi also broke some kind of record for the fastest removal of jersey after the last whistle. Love him!

    • hihihihihi says:

      not exactly…he broke the goalscoring record in the knockout stages

      he still has some time to go: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_European_Cup…

      • Kristina says:

        I meant the knockout stage, and nothing else. I thought it went without saying because it's all over the news :) .

    • Gladys says:

      Alexis on fire!!! Thiago a midfield machine.The Messi-Alves connection rises again. And, most importantly, so nice to see Don Andres back to his Fred Astaire ways. Bayer put up a good fight, as well, with a stunning goal (My half-Croatian self has a soft-spot for Corluka, so his skillful corner made me kind of proud.) Overall, a beautiful game in some rather ugly weather. (Though you're right, neither rain nor sleet nor snow stops Puyi from disrobing at any opportunity.)

  17. Suzerino says:

    As a lifelong Gooner, last night hurt like hell – so thank you, Kickette, for finding the silver lining with that pic. Oh Robin, you smouldering son of a gun.

    • littlegreenpea says:

      son of a gun. Good one. Lintastic, in fact. For some reason I feel the need to use Jeremy Lin puns.

  18. liz says:

    I did not think that anything could make me feel better about the Arsenal game, but somehow RvP's tongue seems to be working it's sexy dutch magic :P

    • liz says:

      i swear everytime i read your comments i think it's me. this is almost exactly what i would say. my poor little boys :( at least ramsey didn't kill someone this time.

  19. Loourii says:

    Ballack looks so sexy!!! We kinda forget hes 35! lol… Plus I love the fact that he always smiles besides everything that's going on in his life!!!…

    Congrats Ballack! You're the hot man of the match! ;)