December 9th, 2010

Champions League Results: Your Handy Eighty Page Guide

Arsenal bubbas in a three seater stroller? If only… (Getty Images/Zimbio)

At last. We do find games in the Champions League group stages exciting, we really do. But we don’t apologise for offering forth a squeal of joy now they are over and the draw for the knock outs is about to take place. This is where the real pain begins, people.

Please enjoy a nice cup of vodka tea and possibly some sandwiches while you browse through our group qualifiers report in order to prepare yourselves.

Group A

The surprise package of the group stages, Tottenham Hotspur finished at the top of Group A with the most goals so far in the competition, eighteen. Their 3-3 away draw at FC Twente means that they will avoid the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid and Bayern Munich in Friday’s draw, good news for fans of their attacking brand of football. Anyone fancy a punt on Gareth Bale and Co for the final?

Fellow Group A qualifiers and current European Champions Inter Milan have slightly less to be cheery about; they limped into the final sixteen after receiving a 3-0 slapping at the hands of Werder Bremen. If it’s any consolation, Davide Santon looked very nice in his tights (above left) while this was happening.

Group B

Despite last weekend’s win over champions Bayern Munich in the Bundesliga, Schalke 04’s relatively poor run of league form has left them drifting lifelessly around the bottom of the table. Not in Europe, though. Oh no. A 2-1 away win over Benfica (left) sees the German side finish top of Group B with thirteen points. We’re pleased, if only because it means we get to carry on perving on Raul and Huntelaar. We’re very shallow, y’know. (Reuters/Daylife)

Qualifying in second spot with ten points are Lyon, who drew 2-2 with Hapoel Tel Aviv.

Group C

Manchester United and Valencia’s 1-1 draw on Tuesday put both sides comfortably through, although we can’t say the whole thing excited us terribly. Other Group C candidates Rangers and Bursaspor barely threatened with six and one point(s) respectively.

However, the game wasn’t a complete washout; Nani displayed some quite astonishing muscle definition (left) which we spent some time considering. You might like to, as well. (Getty Images/Daylife)

Group D

A similar situation unfolded in Group D, where Barcelona and FC Copehagen qualified comfortably over stragglers Rubin Kazan and Panathinaikos. In fact, the only surprise was that Lionel Messi failed to score, the goals in Barca’s 2-0 win over Rubin coming from Victor Vazquez (left) and debutante Andreu Fontas. (AP Photo/Daylife)

In other news, FC Copenhagen beat Panathinkaikos 3-1.

Group E

Like Schalke, Bayern Munich are enduring a patchy run of form in the Bundesliga, but qualified group leaders with a hefty fifteen points after a 3-0 win over Basle. Meanwhile, Marco Borriello’s (left) goal gave Roma a 1-1 draw with Cluj, sufficient to propel the Italian side in second. (AP Photo/Daylife)

Quite frankly, we’re just relieved that there will be more Borri available for our perusal in the knock out stages. The competition would have been dead to us, otherwise.

Group F

Is it contagious? Crap form in the league, great form in Europe? Well, despite qualifying comfortably with fifteen points, Chelsea fans might have something to say about that, their sides’ 1-0 defeat away at Marseille making their run in all competitions a miserable two wins in eight games. Please enjoy this photo of Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti (left). While you still can. (AP Photo/Daylife)

In other news Marseille also qualified, leaving Spartak Moscow and MSK Zilina languishing in their wake.

Group G

Qualifying with the highest points total across the groups, Real Madrid did not feel the need to ease up on Auxerre, a hat trick for Karim Benzema (left) and a spare one from Cristiano Ronaldo nailing home their 4-0 win. (Getty Images/Daylife)

Auxerre subsequently finished bottom of the group whilst AC Milan squeaked into second, despite losing 2-0 to Ajax.

Group H

Arsenal’s propensity for throwing easy points down the toilet could come back to bite them; their 3-1 victory over Partizan Belgrade wasn’t sufficient to see them win the group. Second place leaves them open to possible knock out matches against Barcelona, Real Madrid, Bayern Munich or Schalke. This prospect does not appear to be worrying Robin Van Persie though, post match he stated he expressed a preference to play the Spanish sides in the latter stages. As do we, RVP, as do we.

The group was won by Shakhtar Donetsk, who beat Braga 2-0 with late goals from Razvan Rat (um.. left) and Luiz Adriano. (Reuters/Daylife)

Pleased it’s all coming to fruition, Kickettes? Or frustrated by your team’s performance? Let us know.

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101 Responses to “Champions League Results: Your Handy Eighty Page Guide”

  1. Freya says:

    tottenham can get through to the final ……providing Gareth Bale's top performances carry on. He is unstoppable in the Champions League. In the PL though…..the opposition are starting to tighten up on him….but he always pull through.

    When we get King back and Dawson back up to standard…our defence will be sturdy and we will be on fire!! spurs all the way!! but….really I'll be watching Gareth!

  2. Hunty says:

    i want to keep on perving on Huntelaar too :)

  3. @AgnesWonka says:

    Go United!!!!!!!!!!!!1
    hope we don't have to face a very difficult team!

  4. footieflu says:

    How come Kalou's little accident is nowhere on the website? Or have I missed it?

  5. rubyqueen says:

    so proud of my arsenal bbs..they made me very proud with their act of courage in the face of adversity..:) and can i also point out the fact that i have them arsenal blankets..i use them as a bath towel..:)

  6. Lindsey says:

    Copenhagen's the first Danish club to qualify for the UEFA. don't you think that deserves a mention?

  7. Shumlina says:

    I am worried. As much as I love love love Cesc, Arsenal do much better w/o him as if he's some sort of distraction. Stop me. I don't know what I'm saying!!! Samir Nasri has become my favourite over the past few months, not that it has anything to do with my thoughts about Cescy. Nasri gets things done continuously, he works so hard and he never gives up. He's everywhere. French players do very well in the EPL. Yoann, ya hear that?! / Nasri has become a star, he deserves it. And he is better than Gareth Bale (sick of hearing about NOTspurs and this Keith Richards doppelganger).

    Like Nasri, another adorable Algerian I am very happy for is Karim Benzema. HAT TRICK! I am not much of a Real Madrid fan, but I get sad when people bash KBenz (don't judge me for giving him a Twilight starlet nickname). The Spanish media and some Real Madrid supporters spread negative energy and lower his confidence. At the same time that he's been performing below par at RM, he's been really good representing France as they make their comeback. There's a lot more 'Solidarité Karim Benzema' than 'Hala Karim', non? We know Mou believes in him, that's all that matters :)

    I also think Karim looks like a sexier, perfected version of Shia LaBeouf. Anyone agree? Like if there was an experiment to make many Karim Benzemas, a freak accident in the lab would create Shia LaBeoufs.

    • diana says:

      OMG, i totally agree about Cesc!
      LOL on the "KBenz"

    • Winnie Mata says:

      i agree with the Cesc comment which kind of satisfies me seeing as he is likely to set off to Barca next summer and get benched for most of the season. he's going to regret that decision…but i think Gareth Bale is phenomenal and i think he has earned a tad more of his praise this season than Nasri.

      • TwinkleToeNasri <3 U says:

        Agree i would not have forecasted to see so soon the day when Cesc is no longer as vital when he is part of the team then when he isnt, hes still a unbelievable player but NAsri is DOING HIS THANG RIGHT NOW!

  8. SoccerLoverrrr says:

    dat pic looks so cozy *slides under the blanket next to jack wilshire*

  9. LuvinBale says:

    I am so excited by the way Spurs are playing right now. Granted they are not as consistent as I would like them to be but hey we are through to the next stages and going through at the top of our group no less. WOW!!

    All I can say is once Daws, Huddlestone, Modric, VdV and Bale are all on the pitch together it is just going to be sick!!!!
    My boys are ready to rock n roll with the best of them.
    I will say I hope we don't pull any of the Spanish teams- I'm still a little scared of them. I would like us to last in the CL for just a little bit longer.

    Come on you Spurs!!!!!!

  10. manuela says:

    Well, what can I say? We won 4-0, congratulations to Benzema for scoring the hat-trick and of course to Cris for scoring the one goal! But for me moment of the match was when our third goalkeeper came on the pitch! Antonio Adan is so damn hot, definitelly my new eye candy and he performed well during his first match in the CL! I hope we'll have a chance to see him more often! Sorry Iker, you know that no one can replace you!!!

    I don't know why do I have a feeling that next week, on a draw, we'll get a Lyon as a next opponent, again! Well, if we get, it we'll be a time for revenge! On the other hand, I can't imagine Yoann to play against my club, that's freaking me out! If that happens, I will find a way to take away him all the atention from the pitch although he will anyway, play under huge pressure!

  11. xbabyshakesx says:


    and am I the only one who wants an Arsenal blankie?

  12. Nando y Geri 4ever says:

    Arsenal won, and is going onto the next round.
    Barca beat Rubin 3-0.
    And the gorgeous Gerard Pique was the captain of the game. Might I say he looked very cute with his armband?
    All in all, one word: WIN!!!!!

  13. Fontàs is looking good as heir to Geri Pique's CB position, eh?? eh?? :D I'm addicted to catalans, sorry y'all
    Also, I'm kinda happy for Julie_From_Paris' Karim Benzema…! He's lovely, I wish he keeps on scoring

  14. diana says:

    God Milan i hate when we play like that. I know we already qualified and that it's not the usual starting lineup, but does it mean that if one of the starters gets hurt(god forbid), we don't have a suitable replacements??
    Good thing that Nesta was rested yesterday, missed his presence though.
    Yepes and Amelia should really get more minutes on the pitch.Bonera on the other hand…./=

    Now that we arrived to the final 16, time to part ways with : Bayern, Rome, Barca & Lyon.
    FORZA MILAN, all the way!

    • Rossanera says:

      Excellent point. Zlatan's scored in almost every match. This begs the question: what did we do without him? The goals weren't coming from Marco, as we've both pointed out, and Pippo and Pato have been out for, like, ever. Seriously. They spend more time on the bench than on the pitch.

      I agree with you, every time Yepes been sent on, he's performed admirably. IMHO, he should get Bonera's time on the pitch. I feel like Allegri's under-utilizing all the talent we DO have … but I think he's made great progress so far. I think we may have a chance for the Scudetto this season …

      … but seriously, as long as it's ANYONE BUT INTER I shall rest in peace.

      • diana says:

        It's true Allegri did make a great progress(using Flamini turned out to be a good idea, resting Nesta in non-important games =/)….somehow i don't have big hopes for the CL, but yea we're on the right path in Serie A.I mean we should win SOMETHING this year,ANYTHING!3 dry years is a lot of time

        Still, anyone would be better than inter.

  15. mamaly says:

    CR jr was at the real match, but was Mourinho there???

    • Niina says:

      Mou was suspended. Apparently UEFA was a bit more strict than the Spanish League and didn't allow him to coach from the stands and he wasn't allowed to be in any contacts with the staff or the players during the game.
      But I bet he was there. Hiding in a laundry basket somewhere…

    • YouNeverWalkAlone says:

      No, he was suspended but he watched the match in someone's office.

    • senora ramos says:

      he was in the stadium but in valdano's office. no sneaking in with the laundry this time i guess. lol! heard that story for the 1st time the other day

    • mamaly says:

      Thank you , Kickettes

    • @AgnesWonka says:

      really? where can I see pics of the baby?

  16. Lotte (Zlatanista) says:

    So happy for the Barca youngsters! Bojan took quite a knock on the head though. He seems to be alright, thank god. And Arsenal! Yes! I'm pretty satisfied actually. So much great football (and hot ballers) is awaiting us!

    • Nando y Geri 4ever says:

      I didnt get to see the match, but happened with Bojan?

      • Lotte (Zlatanista) says:

        A guy in the other team jumped and Bojan ran right into him and smashed his head into his hip. He left the pitch on a stretcher, looking pretty dizzy. It looked nasty, but he's ok.

        • Nando y Geri 4ever says:

          aww, poor Bojan. at least he's ok, i like him a lot. Not just how he plays, but his looks as well!

  17. MrsVerma says:

    Who saw Theo Walcott & Laurent Koscielny shirtless after the Arsenal – Partizan game? one word: YUM!!!! :D I love my Arsenal Boys! <3

  18. Rossanera says:

    YAY for all three Serie A sides making it through … (yes, even you, Inter.) YAY for Milan! YAY for the pictures of Davide and Marco!

    … quick though (and I'm sure my Milanistas will commiserate with me): why couldn't Marco score all these goals when he was wearing black & red?

    • diana says:

      lol my thoughts :
      the amount of goals he missed in Milan is amazing …

      • Rossanera says:

        I love meeting other Milanistas! and YES! What was UP with that? He leaves and finds his magic touch again? TE LO DICO – if he scores next Saturday he will officially be dead to me. He best be classy and be all David Villa-esque about it.

        Ughhhhh this is hurting my heart even to talk about.

    • DeeRoma says:

      I know how hard it was for you to even include Inter. I still haven't on FB.

      I'm not sure where Marco's scoring touch is coming from but as an Romanista, I am so not complaining! While I would have loved to see them win, the tie was good enough to get them through and I am glad. Plus I can look at all of those DDR pics again and have happy memories.

    • Lotte (Zlatanista) says:

      Yay! I really hope Milan and Barca won't face each other in the next round, though. My heart wouldn not be able to take it.

      • Rossanera says:

        OH I KNOW. That would suck, big time. Because then if we lost I'd be miserable, and I wouldn't be able to enjoy a Barca victory. My ideal scenario would be for Barca to dispatch Inter! TIME TO SHARE THE WEALTH, Intermerda!

  19. Carvivlie says:

    I'm just glad Lyon made it through so I can see Yoann at least two more times this season, hopefully taking off his shirt after each ;)

    • TwinkleToeNasri <3 U says:

      How the heck did i miss Theo and Koscielny topless damnn i need visual evidence asap loool, to get into drool mode lol. Arsenal boys are mighty fine :)

  20. kokonut27 says:

    Love Kickette but enough with the word "bubba."

  21. cherryboomboom says:

    MARSEILLE !!!!
    Oh my god last night was crazy !! Everybody was screaming , dancing and making noises in the street !
    Everyone was screaming Drogba's name because he is an old Marseille player !
    My parents didnt let me go to the Velodrome cause the next day I have school , but there were so many fans in the street I felt like I was in the stadium !!
    On top of that , Marseille won !!!!!
    Allez L'OM Alleeeeeeeeeeez !!!!! :D

  22. MrsFigo says:

    what is happening with my Inter boys :( Rafa seriosuly needs to go, its practically the same team as last season and they are not the same :(

    Manchester United :P


  23. CherylAC says:

    Maybe it's the cold. Or Roma's shorts. Any ladies want to take up the ardous task of finding suitable short tent pics?

  24. JaneSpotting says:

    Lasses, Karim Benzima has caught my eye. Has he caught yours? Want more of him my dears…a nice feature please. Bravo to him and his hat trick. Bravo to all the gorgeous Real Madrid lads.

    • YouNeverWalkAlone says:

      lol I agreee!!! XD Even though I used to think he was positively ugly. He's kind of cute to me these days…and he's been doing really well…Congrats to him :)

      lol as for "all the gorgeous Real Madrid lads"…I AGREE!!!

  25. hereforthenando says:

    I have made it pretty clear that my heart is with Liverpool, but seeing as they are absent from the CL this season (here's hoping that the same won't be true this time next year!), I have been cheering for Arsenal and Barcelona. God knows what I will do if they draw each other anytime soon, other than crying because the world just isn't fair.

    • Leya_S says:

      I'm sort of the opposite in the sense that my heart is with Arsenal and Barca, but I always cheer for Liverpool (assuming they're not playing either of the other two). Arsenal vs. Barca I think could be a fanTASTIC game, but I might be pulling my hair out deciding who to cheer for.

    • talita says:

      im exactly the same. i support Liverpool but at the moment im cheering for Arsenal and Barcelona. If they do draw eachother its gonna be an awesome game!

      • Alex Samuel says:

        Haha I just support Arsenal and Barcelona. Good match yesterday, but I don't think Arsenal were playing at their very best, but that's just my opinion. What a match that would be!

    • Izzy says:

      OMG me too i've been rooting for those two as well i will cry if they face eachother!!! Oh dear mighty gods of soccer don't let that happen!

  26. Great achievement for Spurs but if they don't tighten up in the back, they're going to get slaughtered in the knock out round.

    I'm fairly satisfied with United's qualifying campaign – not brilliant by any means, but got the job done and top of the group. So, Inter, Lyon, AC Milan, FC Copenhagen, Roma or Marseille next? Not easy but I'd fancy us to get through to the quarter finals.

    C'mon UNITED!!

  27. lorena_yGp says:

    Let me see….
    Red Devils are at the top of their group!!! :-)
    And Barcelona won BUT- Gerard Pique was EL CAPITANO :-) )) + Fontas ( who scored ) + Marc Bartra!!! And all of them on the pitch in the same time!!! 90 minutes of pure paradise,if you ask me…PURE PARADISE!!! :-)

    p.s. even if Bartra didn't play all 90 minutes ;-)
    p.s.#2 for those of you who don't know him- just google him…you can thank me later ;-)

  28. senora ramos says:

    i'm breaking my rule of no posting during finals to say…well done to my boys! and congrats benzema….now just keep that up for the next month while pipa is out. 4 goals in 5 matches! and kickette, i am dead disappointed in you not mentioning that CR JR was at the match yesterday!!!!! he was up in VIP with grandma! and Kaka is having a baby girl, which will obvs be the furture Mrs. CR Jr. lol!
    anyways, i'm quite sure we will draw lyon….AGAIN. and if we do, well, that's ok. time to get that damn monkey off of our back. as long as we don't draw arsenal…that would be quite heartbreaking for me :(

  29. TwinkleToeNasri <3 U says:

    After seeing how we have played in the last few CL games I am resigned to the fact that we will go out in the next round no matter who we draw. It could be a good thing so that we can concentrate on the league. If we can stay on or near the top in the next few weeks we will have a chance.

    We were crap but got the job done, sort of. Hate watching us at home at the Moment….Probably our worst group campaign for as long as I can remember. The only saving grace is that we're top of the league, which is nothing to be sniffed at. Hope we just get better and better now, the season looks very promising on paper at the moment if not visually.

    Am still getting councelling after the heavy Barca defeat, they well and truly spanked us, and ive got a feeling they are coming back for seconds :( ….SORRY FOR THIS DEPRESSING POST….on the plus side Walcot and Nasri scored some incredible goals.

    • xoWinnie says:

      as a Gunner and a Madridista, this was very depressing to read :( have faith my friend!

      • TwinkleToeNasri <3 U says:

        Loool i hope we get a win at old trafford that would sooo cheer me up. Only Arsenal bring out my psychotic emotions…what can i say am just addicted to this team, and as a fellow madrid admirer am crossing my fingers who dont play them.

  30. meh says:

    Theo Walcott save our asses again, typical bloody Arsenal…in other news Gerard Pique has twitter :) )

  31. sil says:

    I'm in love with the Spurs this season… And as a culé girl, I hope we can meet at the final game!

    AND I BET, I JUST BET that we are going to face Arsenal again… That's a creepy destiny.

    Sorry, Cesc, love you so much…

  32. Alisha says:

    I'm terrified of Arsenal getting Barca again, it almost destroyed me last season being a big fan of them both, sooo annoyed that we didn't qualify sooner, we should have won that group easy! At least Barca finally beat Rubin :) and Rangers got a draw in Turkey :D