April 2nd, 2007
Coleen McLoughlin’s 21st: Chavtastic Fantastic
Coleen McLoughlin’s 21st birthday party was a special, special night. It was an evening for all chavs, D-list celebrities and hangers on to break out in their best party frocks and revel in a haze of Malibu & Coke, taffeta dresses and bouffant hair-dos.
Here’s the bulleted breakdown of events:
- Arriving guests were greeted by a wide variety of over-paid freaks and geeks, including jugglers and stilt walkers dressed as Cruella De Vil from 101 Dalmatians. There were large circus tent marquees and fun fair rides. Ten huge photos of Coleen hung from the ceiling, decorated with fluorescent butterflies.
- Jealous yet?
- Coleen provided buses as transport for her friends and family to get to the party.
- Celebrity guests were driven in Audis.
- No comment on how pissed we would be if we were blood-related and had to watch Abi Clancy flash her knickers getting out of an Audi from the window of the polyester-seated coach we were shunted on.
- Contrary to insane rumours of Diddy performing at the party, the music was provided by the Sugababes.
- At the end of the party, guests were given individual sugar cakes with Coleen’s face imprinted on them.
- Good thing Victoria Beckham wasn’t there, as we’re quite sure she doesn’t eat cake. And definitely not cake with Coleen’s smiling mug on it.
- Side note: the image of Coleen is the same one from the cover of her book, Welcome To My World.
- Speaking of Victoria, she – along with many other invited A-listers – snubbed the party, instead hitting the slopes in a Chanel ski suit.
- Let’s run through the list of no-shows, shall we? Sienna Miller, Elen Rives and Frank Lampard, David and Victoria Beckham, Ashley and Cheryl Cole – even Atomic Kitten didn’t come.
- When the day comes that Atomic Kitten turn down your invitations, it’s time to find a nice cottage in the country and start a new life rearing sheep and knitting woolly jumpers.
- There were a few decent guests, other than the circus performers: Leo Ferdinand, Cristiano Ronaldo, Alex Curran and Steven Gerrard, Michael and Louise Owen.
- The real star guests were the relations. For example, Coleen’s cousin Carly and Wayne Rooney’s brother Graham (Graeme?) (Anyone?) (Bueller?) came together. They’re like a poor man’s Coleen and Wayne. Well, more like a random crackhead’s Coleen and Wayne, but let’s not split hairs.
- The vintage champers was left untouched, but the Bacardi Breezers and lager tops went down a treat. By 4am, 99% of the guests were drunk off their asses and falling down. And then getting up. And falling down again.
- Wayne Rooney, part of the drunken falling down crew was announcing to all who would listen how much he loved Coleen and how amazing she looked.
- A few of Coleen’s boozed up mates decided to flash their breasts at random guests, and there was a catfight/punch up on the dancefloor. Presumably between rival breast-flashers, but we can’t confirm this.
- Let us not forget, at Coleen’s 18th birthday bash, Wayne’s uncle Eugene – a former boxer – got in a fight with Wayne’s father.
You can’t make this kind of ish up, good people.
- Coleen wore Amanda Wakely and rights to the photos were sold to Hello! Magazine.