April 14th, 2010
Cristiano Ronaldo: Big Girls Do It Better
This is the most random collection of fantastic – and possibly fictional – things you will ever read about Cristiano Ronaldo’s bedroom behaviour. Warning. This is a tad PG-13. And it’s not our English translation, we promise you.
The scene: Naya and Ronaldo hooked up at a hotel after his team’s match against Villareal on February 21. She claims multiple sexual situations since then; we don’t have “stupid” scrawled across our foreheads.
The clincher: In such a wonderfully offensive fashion, CR9 allegedly revealed to Naya why he prefers fuller-figured partners, by saying:
“Fat girls suck it very well.”
For once in our lives, we are speechless. And now, the lead photo makes much more sense.
There are other deets that have left us equally puzzled, to say the least. Such as Ron’s Dolce & Gabbana sneakers which double as condom carriers. Or, when Naya alluded to how they ‘did it’ 3 times (‘ that night, he scored three goals‘) even though his shoes were only stocked for two rounds.
So…yea…those thoughts and/or images running through your mind right now? We had that exact same reaction upon learning that last bit, too. Same goes for Giorgio Armani.
However, we suggest you take Naya’s confession with a handful of salt following three consecutive Tequila shots. Mainly because she did not supply further ‘proof’ of said tryst, unlike the text messages someone else brazenly displayed on television sets across the country (on the same show, nonetheless).
Where we do believe Naya, however, is how she rated him in bed. The former World Player of the Year achieved high marks – a 9.5 out of 10 – from a…how shall we say it… woman of loose panties. Momma D must be so proud, Crissy. (If you haven’t been keeping score, that’s significantly higher than WhatsHerFace gave him.)
And since this story has supplied countless entries into the 2010 Kickette Reader’s Choice Awards “Biggest LOL” category, we shall leave you with Naya’s eloquent food metaphor:
“If his [you know what] was a pizza, it would be a family size pizza”
For our digestive purposes, are we talking pizza with mozzarella? Parmesan? The cheese is obviously the best part so this critical detail would be a meal make or break for us.