September 9th, 2010

Cristiano Ronaldo: How To Best Market This Man

At the launch of his new ad campaign for  Time Force watches, Cristiano Ronaldo mishears the instruction to ‘watch the clock’. Too far? We can’t help it, it’s how we roll. Image: Bauer Griffin via Zimbio.

We do so love a Cristiano Ronaldo product shill. Nine times out of ten it involves him in a bed or half nekkid. The Timeforce watch advert involves both. Click to view, and then weigh in on this “artsy cum Gianni Versace mansion” style promo.

Our take: few footballers have the bod and ‘tude of Mr. Ronaldo: why try to make him avant garde and unusual? He’s not someone we need to spend hours with analysing layers. He’s someone we need to spend hours with… getting intimately acquainted with his left hip dip.

For shame, marketers. In this economic environment, doing anything other than showing Cris in his pants is a pointless waste of resources that could be spent on body oil.

Further proof: Take it from Armani, who knows how to work with his subjects. (Warning, don’t watch this video if you need to get any work done today.)

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70 Responses to “Cristiano Ronaldo: How To Best Market This Man”

  1. jrr says:

    Does anyone know what shoes he's wearing???

  2. Steph says:

    That Timeforce commercial is ridiculous, and not in a good way. :/ It’s pretty stupid, but the Armani teaser more than makes up for it. :D Not really into him, but he IS hot. Definitely gotta give him that.

  3. Inés says:

    I agree with the post!

    CRon doesn't need extra words! his presence is enough!

  4. Georgina Sanders says:

    A second later the maid found an anal vibrator and a naked pictures of Arjen Robben in his cupboard

    Just kidding…

  5. Whitney says:

    What is he doing in this pic? Checking to see if it's still there? Sorry, but not a fan. He seems like the type of guy who might fight me over mirror time.

  6. LaBrightside says:

    Hey, finally a commercial which shows his real life: Cristiano Ronaldo in a brothel. LOL What a stupid commercial.

  7. D0li says:

    LOVE the video! AGH he’s so hot…

  8. *Naylea* says:

    Hot! He can be all he wants, ok, but damn, he’s gorgeous

  9. Zinny says:

    Ahh.. my guiltiest pleasure. Cristiano is my thing on the side that I would never tell Cesc about…

    I’m sorry, he is just dirty hot, as much as I try to deny it.

  10. Rachel S says:

    Wow, all I can say is **thank you** for posting the link to the Armani video…too bad it's only a teaser! I've never been a big fan of him…I mean, his excessive tanning, his arrogant air, his Euro-trash style…all of it just doesn't do it for me. But after that video, and reading some other people's comments about his commitment to training and his boyhood dreams of playing for RM, I'm a little more warmed up to him…

  11. Emme says:

    Crissy is insanely hot. I would never say he wasn't, but why is the shiny trouser/crap shoes combination (as Kickette calls it) back?! He is so frustrating. Who is his stylist?

  12. Maria K says:

    He is by biggest SIN =)

  13. littlegirl says:

    i watched the video…call me stupid but i don’t feel anithing when i see cristiano ronaldo…he seems so “artificial” .
    (i hope you understand what i mean)

  14. Violets says:

    Definition of guilty pleasure.

  15. JV says:

    I actually managed to go a couple of days without thinking "I really want to touch CRon's thighs". Then *wham* this happens. I need ice…

  16. Jules says:

    The only thing I want to see him advertise is Valtrex.

  17. loveu2much says:

    cr is a cool guy he has rocking body (the thighs… swoon) and an additude…he has personality unlike many other footballer its actually entertaining watching him play. like when he takes a shot and misses and he makes a face it makes me lol he seems very human. love ya dude

  18. Claire says:

    I don’t find him attractive at all. Sorry.

  19. WG says:

    Wow! I think I watched that vid at least 15 times. *sighs* Seriously how the hell can one man be so damm hot?

    • DebS says:

      Seriously! Could you imagine getting to see that on a daily basis?

      Irina, you are one lucky gal!

  20. Chloe says:

    Heh! I sent a mail to you guys about the new armani teaser ad and wow you guys are quick! Thanks! Cristiano love! Who wouldn’t want to be that maid.I have seriously watched that video too many times!

    • We are forever indebted to you for sending it! xo

      • Chloe says:

        No problems! I was on facebook while he posted it so I had to post it everywhere. I love this site, I only found it 2 weeks ago and I've been going through millions of pages. Love!

        • jellenp says:

          I'm also a relative newcomer to the site and the best part is ALL THE ARCHIVAL MATERIAL we get to enjoy!!! Plus catching up on all the witty shamelessness in the comments.

    • Lisa says:

      I love that it implies in real life, Cristiano walks around in his underwear in front of total strangers. Art imitating life.

  21. Kc95 says:

    Ok, compared to the other, more classy boys of Madrid, he pales. His face has nothing on the likes of Iker, per se, and his level of class is blown out of the water by Xabi’s.

    Yet still…
    that ass, those thighs, it’s really just unfair to the female race that only one Russian is getting a crack at them. His talents should be shared with the world.

  22. JulieFromParis says:

    You know what? I usually don’t like C. Ronaldo, I tolerate him because he’s a great player and part of La familia blanca. But this changed my mind:

    especially the picture which for some reason made me want to hug him…
    Cris, that’s ok, you’re in :)

    • loveu2much says:

      awww that was sweet hes so commited

    • gin_in_teacups says:

      His work ethic is totally what won me over. I really didn’t like him, and then I was just sort of amused by him, but the more I heard about how he’s always the first one at training and he’s so dedicated, the more I liked him. Plus the fact that it was his boyhood dream to play for Real Madrid warms my cold shell of a heart.

  23. Liv says:

    Off topic, but i really like that ensemble on him, because he doesn’t look try hard! Good job cr9 keep it like this!

  24. M.Amanda says:

    I don’t know which makes me smile more, the title “How To Market This Man” immediately followed by a pic of Cristiano checking out his own crotch or that pic with the “watch the clock” caption. Love you, Kickettes.

  25. k5 says:

    he’s never done it for me either… a little too girly for my taste

    • Chloe says:
      I found this pretty manly haha.

      Sorry for all the comments. I'm procrastinating study!

      • ASM says:

        i dont understand why people say he’s girlish anyway..he maybe quite ‘metrosexual’(LOL) but i personally dont see his ladies side..btw,about the vid..i always curse the ref who get a player who remove his shirt yellow-carded..the f**king rules,ikr..i’m always thinking to sue fifa for that LOL.. :P

        • Chloe says:

          Hahaha I think the metro bit is about his choice of clothes. I think they think he’s girly too because of ‘dives’ or when sometimes there’s only a little contact but he’s on the ground. Unless they took the hit, they can’t know how much it hurt! There are heaps of nerves in the leg/foot area!

          The ref’s just jealous he’s not buff like Cristiano heh :P

          • ASM says:

            lucky guess,its true i meant his fashion sense LOL..and hell yeah bb,agree about the refs..btw,he’s not the only one who does diving..theres several good players dive as well(i wont mention any name as it would offense their fans)..and sometimes the dive(or jump on the ground) is necessary to avoid bad tackles so that the player wont get injured..yeah,his whining for free kicks makes me sick sometimes but i never hate him for diving,or call him girly for that.. :P

      • DebS says:

        I absolutely LOVE how the fans boo when the ref gives him the yellow card! Must be lots of Kickette fans in the stands! lol

  26. Cristiano Ronaldo is someone that I simultaneously love and hate. On the field I want to smack him, but then he does something incredible like wear a pink baseball cap with a flower tucked behind his ear, or he wears metallic silver short shorts, or he has a tantrum that was made to be a gif. Keep making those ads, Crissy. My body runs on vodka, and C Ron’s antics.

    And that caption, wow guys, mad props on that one.

  27. blissbubbley says:

    That video just made me go all weak in the knees. I don't normally like Cris normally either.

  28. cammie says:

    Oh..his style..those bowling looking shoes..

  29. jellenp says:


  30. Nandoschiquita says:

    This just made my day. While I generally find CR to be pretty much a total tool, and I follow him on FB because he makes me laugh, I literally had to squeal when I saw the new Armani tease. I don't care how silly this man is, he is insanely hot.

  31. Taskeen says:

    My blind adoration for ol' CR diminished as the tan and baby-mama drama hit danger levels, but I can't deny, he still has dirrty hot down to a T lol

  32. ASM says:

    i dont have idea why the housekeeper didnt jump on him..i dont know what sh*t i would do if i were her,grrr..or i guess i would die first LOL..and i'm not even fan of crissy,but i did no wrong find he's hot right?well done armani ads,please dont stop besmirching my virgin thought.. :P

  33. DJ says:

    i love him! i dont care what people say about his personal life, most of which are just rumors or gross exaggerations, but there is no one more committed on the field when it comes to football. he's the first one there for training and the last one to leave and he works tirelessly. yes, he dives but so do most of our 'favorite' footballers. but also he is someone who is endlessly targeted by every member of the opposing team and recently i've seen him make an effort to continue on. and i admire him for wanting to continue to be the best regardless of all the hate and criticisms targeted at him. i swear if that many people ever said the same things to me i wouldnt want to get out of the house.

    sorry but all the ronaldo hate is getting to me :)

    • Chloe says:

      I agree. I'm also sick of people calling him gay. He's dating a Russian supermodel and has a kid. Also I'm sick of people comparing him to other all the time, i.e. Messi. They are completely different players and I don't know how he stands people comparing him to Messi all the time. I don't think any of us would like being compared to someone who is 'better' and or 'worse'. Everyone will always like different players so why don't they ever stop looking at the negativity and focus on the positive!!

      • DJ says:

        spot on chloe! i really admire messi as a player but in their need to sell papers most of the media has portrayed them as complete opposites with messi being comletely angelic and portraying cris as ~the devil incarnate (this by no means is a criticism of messi, simply the media). and i hate how people are judging him for being a bad father without any clue whatsoever. i get that people dont like him but to simply jump on the cris hate bandwagon without any reason just annoys the hell out of me!!

        • Chloe says:

          Ahhh it's true! People just assume what they see in the media. Even though I am a huge fangirl, I accept that Cristiano can be a tad vain and the pink cap and short shorts doesn't help but who are we to judge! I think essentially, he has a big heart and is a wonderful person. And plus, Kaka, one of the nicest football players, likes him (bromance!). He simply can't be the 'devil incarnate'

          And from this 5 part interview, when asked what he would like to do for a day if he wasn't himself (not the exact question), he said he wanted to take his nephews out for ice-cream at a shopping mall. He's a human being! He has simple dreams too :(

          • DJ says:

            aww, i’ve seen this vid of him at a hospital visting children who have cancer in portugal and he completely won me over :) (i think we’re referring to the same vid)

            i know there are certain parts of his personality because of which people hate him (to me, they’re just lulzy :D ) but this comment was primarily aimed at all bandwagoners who are hating on him simply because they think its ~cool

            hahaha! im with you on kaka. they’re bromance is just so adorable. cant wait till january when kaka returns :)

            • Chloe says:

              Same video! I was already a fan girl before those came out but those just made me adore him even more!

              I can't wait either! I need more kaka-cr romance, it's been so neglected this year :(

    • loveu2much says:

      i love him too he is hot hot hot. and i dont care what the media says about him cuz that dont make him more or less than cristiano ronaldo.

    • DebS says:

      Totally agree with both of you, DJ & Chloe on all points.

      I too would HATE having the media in my personal business 24/7. Sure the money and the admiration from the fans is great but the media takes it way beyond admiration and I think most footballers are just normal people who love to play football.

      Cris (and Messi) are the players who stay after practice and put in the extra work to be the great players that they are. To get props from Mourinho for Cris' work ethics says a lot for him.

      And great comment about the knocks footballers take on the pitch and then get right back up (or bandaged up) and play. If I had my foot stomped on or ankle kicked with spikes, I'd be on the DL for a week or more! lol

      About the diving…as mentioned…he's not the only one. Sometimes it's done for tactical purposes to give their team a chance to maintain possession or even get a set piece and chance to score. There are many times when fouls don't get called. It's all part of the game.

      Oh yeah…and I think he's HOT! Love the pic and the caption, Kickette!

  34. ruby says:

    The Armani video is amazing.

  35. Lisa says:

    wow, this is almost too easy. I… I'm drawing a blank. Insert peen joke here.

  36. Kiki says:

    Need a hand there, Cris?

  37. Zlatanista says:

    Oh, don´t worry Cristiano, it´s still there.

  38. mamaly says:

    "watch the clock" , kickettes, you almost make me blush

  39. gin_in_teacups says:

    He's never done it for me, I doubt he ever will, but I feel such a strange affection for him. He's so endlessly entertaining – tacky yet adorable, skeevy yet lovable.

    Cris, you confound me.

    • bri says:

      I completely agree! It is so strange, I am always torn between wanting to smack him upside the head and wanting to pinch his cheeks and kiss him on the forehead.

      • gin_in_teacups says:

        That is so perfectly put. I feel sort of protective/motherly about him. I want to be able to knock sense into him, but also encourage him and tell him he’s a cutie pie.

        Cristiano Ronaldo is my drunk baby.
        (Scrubs reference. Anybody? Anybody? *crickets*)

  40. Thea says:

    Bad – da – Bing – we have a situation ladies!

    • DebS says:

      ROFL! Truthfully, I can't see how he was confused with The Situation. Seriously, The Situation isn't even remotely cute to me.