March 26th, 2010

Cristiano Ronaldo: Still Hot, Now Featuring Especially Horrid Hair

We’ve said it before but it’s worth repeating: it seems like Cristiano Ronaldo’s hairdresser is out to get him.

Its been several days now since we’ve queried your views on what we have lovingly dubbed the ‘Shame – akh’. This crime against hair was serious enough for us to consider rescinding crush privileges but after a great deal of alcohol-infused discussions, we have decided that Marouane should not shoulder all of the blame. Not when Cristiano Ronaldo is wandering the streets.

The worry here is that most ‘ballers do not have the, ahem, assets to help us overlook the utterly unforgivable shambolic ‘do’s’ that Cristiano’s hairdresser regularly inflicts upon him. We’ve cast a critical eye over C-Ron’s more ‘notable’ coiffs and find ourselves wondering – can he be forgiven? The hair of a thousand future players could be at stake here. Your thoughts?

The Shame-akh Mk (lead photo):
The object of our grave and utter concern. This shiznit, which features short sides and full tail spray screams ‘crunchy chicken with a side of honey mustard’. While crispy Cristiano meat is always on the menu at Kickette HQ, we could do without having to fight the urge to grab a pair of scissors every time we clap eyes on the Wagtailed Wonder.

Suave Slickster: Utilizing a vat of pomade to set CR9’s naturally curly locks in place, this effort is a little ‘choir boy’ for our taste. Note: black earrings not included and nor would we ever recommend for guys recreating this look at home.





The Eurotrash rat-tail: We’ve covered this before. You know what we think. However, in our defence you will note that the original image and its companion feature nipple outlines. This renders Cristiano temporarily exempt from criticism. We’re going for a lie down now.





Short and sweet:The easiest cut by far, this classically clean option accentuates Ronaldo’s strong jaw-line and adorkable smile. Minimal manscaping is required for daily maintenance and is very popular with celebrities looking to hide their receding hairlines and baldspots.




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49 Responses to “Cristiano Ronaldo: Still Hot, Now Featuring Especially Horrid Hair”

  1. sana says:

    Cristianos Hairstyle is always hot nomatter what. XD

    I love this hairstyle match to the Emo Earings hahaha!

  2. Carly says:

    Who cares what his hair looks like!?!?!? Ronaldo is the hottest man to ever walk this earth!!!!!!!! Wouldn't throw him out of bed for eating crackers thats for sure :)

  3. SoMysterious says:

    i'm from nyc and i'm so used to seeing this style so much in the city and in the boros tha i can't find the problem that others seem to have with it…i think it looks regular on him…granted i'm not hot for him at all(he looks good but isn't my type) maybe that's why it doesnt bother me at all

  4. julia says:

    don't really like him. but damn man, he is freakin' hot!

  5. Tereza/Brasil says:

    He is perfect,i like just the way it look's right now.I prefer longer at the back,he look's much older and a mature man.How bigger is the mess in his hair,more he look's hotter!!!

  6. caitanya says:

    Like i’ve said: you can take the boy out of madeira but you can’t take madeira out of the boy

    The End

  7. nonny says:

    ANYWAY..he is always HHHOOOOTTT in my eyes..but i like his hair in Euro2008 and in world cup 2006 sooo much..

  8. Lotte says:

    Well, i guess short is sweet makes him a bit less unattractive. Sorry, i dont get him at all. Great footballer though, and that from a barcagirl.

  9. Linda (Gooner till I die) says:

    Well… I don’t find him attractive at all…. so I really don’t care. :)

  10. Mrs.Roni says:

    wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Criss ! Perfecto Hair :D wwuwwwww Hadsomeee wohoooooooo sexyy :D Wohooo Wohooo :D I love u cristy

  11. Lena says:

    Best hair (and it looks, I must admit), Ronaldo, it's time Euro2008 and the season 07/08.

  12. Tasha says:

    He can never do better than the 2006 world cup hair.
    Just when I’m happy to see the hair grow back during training sessions, he goes and chops the sides off! I mean I know he’s got a lot of money but it’s not necessary to get a haircut every 3 days!!!

  13. laz says:

    Personally I think his hair looks best when it’s natural and with the curls (aka summer holiday snaps on the beach each year – he hardly ever uses hairgel from what i can tell there).

    in fact don’t shoot as it’s personal taste but I think that the majority of the time he tries to hard to be in fashion – for me the tightly fitted in your face label clothes and the often orange tan is too ott. The simple plain t shirts with jeans/sweatpants are the best and his more natural (compared to just coming out of a tanning salon look) skin tone of a light mocha like coloring looks healthier and probably is so for him long term. And you may think I’m mad here but wear a baggy (t) shirt once in a while – everyone knows ronaldo has a good body but sometimes it’s sexy to leave something once in a while to the imagination – it’s like woman and cleavage, a little showing is sexy, popping out of your outfit is just plain tacky and triggers off some of the male population to talk to your cleavage rather than your face which has got to feel degrading at times (those to be fair to ronaldo I don’t think they have quite the same problem as us girls – though some do the ‘tight trouser area’ thing which can be distracting so……. ;-)

    • Marx Crow says:

      Whats up laz, I completely disagree with you in almost every thing. You are right natural is often more beautiful, but fashion lies in the eyes of the viewer. Everyone has a different taste, but of what I see your taste is very american, and I am sorry to say but it is true and I think many people will agree with me: One cannot compare the American aka "Simple and Plain" Fashion (Hollister, Aeropostale, Abercrombie,…) with the European fashion, such as Diesel, Armani Exchange or Zara. You might not be aware of it, but the greatest fashion cities in the world are located in Europe. Milan, Paris, and Madrid are all major centers of fashion. Many Americans do not have a great fashion taste, because the plain shirt, sweatpants are very comfortable but please are you seriously going to tell me you would actually leave your house looking like you just woke up. Oh and then there is the aka "athlete style – sandals with socks" which is also very trendy within many Americans; are you fudging kidding me, I think a Homeless person would dress better. I just simply believe that there is certain set of clothes for each occasion. One should dress up dependent of the occasion.

      PS: Why do you hate on the fact that a person that is athletic enjoys showing their results. Unless you prefer the fashion style of wearing those huge and long bed robe like shirts, and the over sized, ultra-low crotch jeans, they like so much here. I think that a person that works out regularly has the right to show his/her hard-worked results, and the best way to do that would be by wearing clothes that are a little more tight fitting.

  14. liv says:

    The men is gorgouse; but it buffles me the way he tris too hard with his look until it become a mess. ple-se go back to the hair you use to do before this whole superstar nonesense came about your pre united hair cut!

  15. I’d totally hit that

    • Allie says:

      Me too! With all hairstyles!

    • Trisha (Mrs Iker Cas says:

      me three!!!;)

      • Room for one more that would never pass this man up? Hell, he could even wear the crap out of Iker’s facial disgracial and we’d still be asking for extra honey mustard packets.

        • Trisha (Mrs Iker Cas says:

          Totally agree!!! As much as one would love to hate this man especially with the attitude, but when we look at that gorgeous body, our hormones tell us a very different story….. ;)

  16. Ella says:

    You know how an anorexic looks in the mirror and always sees fat no matter how skinny she is? Well no matter what Cris does, wears, says, hairstyle he has, he always looks unbelievably beautiful to me. My name is Ella and I am a Cris-a-holic.

    Having said this, I don’t support the euro-mullet-rat-tail and if I could only get close enough, I would try to cut it off. (And like any good stalker, I would keep his hair.) LOL!

  17. ruby80 says:

    I like it best when it grows a little bit and he forgets the gel and it goes all curly and a bit fluffy. I’ve thought about this too much.

  18. rain_s_child says:

    i don’t care what his hair looks like. it’s actually fun to see his hairstyle changing all the time.

    i <3 him most with his shirt off or in tight jeans…

    erm… *remembering we are talking about his hair*

    i mean… with the look he's had at the portugal-china friendly, a little like suave slickster, but combed on one side… can't really explain it, you can see it here http://www3.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Portugal+v+Republic+China+International+Friendly+DKgNfujQaakl.jpg

    aww, who cares what his hair looks like! he's great, smart, funny and sooo damn hot!

  19. Inés says:

    If you ask me, Ronnie looks hot, even with s*** on his head!

  20. Molly says:

    He still looks hot but I prefer the short and sweet hair cut. It was very nice for the bone structure of his face.
    Isn’t the new hair cut the same as David Beckhams??

  21. aps says:

    I like this look. Don't ask me why.

  22. Susana says:

    I think his hair matches his moods. Sometimes it looks very professional and normal. Other times it looks like this. He used to get a pre-match haircut before every game in Manchester…

    This style says to me, "I'm unhappy in Madrid with no personal life and nothing better to do than shave the sides of my head and leave the rest in total disarray." His hair will never look better than it did during the 2006 World Cup…and he wasn't perma-tanned (orange!) and skinny. He had more meat on him then…don't ask me how I know that! :)

    • Susana says:

      Oops…got to talking about 2006 WC Ronny body and forgot to mention the Shame-akh moniker. Marouane is a good guy, so I would never make fun of him…but his hair does have some anger issues.

      While we're makin' some Chamakh-ettes I will gently bring up the subject of "Chere, why don't we have a beauty night and do each other's hair!" :)

    • laz says:

      So basically we and the footballing loving world should start to panic if he ever has the urge to shave it all off!

  23. livv4footy says:

    i liiiike the Eurotrash rat-tail…. ;)

    am i the only one? i dunno, it just looks good on him.

    but that new one..? all i can say is WTF C-Ron? its baaad, and not the good kind of baaad. its absolutely horrid and he needs to cut it off.

    who's with me for making a gang and jumping him while he shops with The Ramos and Kaka? girls, bring your razors, scissors, gel, mousse, anything you can think of!!!!!!

  24. Rosey says:

    I think his horrid choices in tranny-looking-skanks is more horrid then his hair.

    In order:

    1. Tranny-skanks

    2. Clothes

    3. Hair

    I don't know if Marouane can be blamed too because C-Ron has had that hair stlye before years ago and more people know who C-Ron is.

    Also you forgot his ugly ass hair when it was blonde tips and whatnot. Yuck!!!!

    • Susana says:

      Ugghhhh…the skanks…let's no bring the one who's name shall not be spoken (Whatsherface) into this. Ronny is totally responsible for that spaghetti-blonde/half-afro/Carrot-Top-the-comedian look with the hair clip that made it stand up even worse…ick…just thinking about it makes me not hate this haircut so much!

      • laz says:

        law of averages dictates that he’ll go out with a decent one eventuall…… who the hell am i kidding, his choices are getting progressively worse – can’t be long till an escort or ‘adult’ movie actress makes an appearance on his list (though here’s hoping that if that’s the case it’s a billie piper/ belle de jour type!)

        • Rosey says:

          I agree and disagree. I think he hit rockbottom in 2008, there is nothing worse then whatsherfacetrannybuckteeth. Lets say she is a zero (well I mean she is :-) ). Then he went up a slight notch to 1 after her and has been there ever since. In 2007 there was a hooker scandal. Google it. Its very funny :-)

          • laz says:

            I don't know about that – at least shewhomustnotbenamed kept relatively quiet in terms of giving interviews to the press till after the break up and it is debatable of whether she is actually worse than the double act from italy and ms Hilton – even if she was then it was a closer competition than the la liga battle between barca and rm right now.

            The bad omen for the practical non starter of ronaldo ever finding a 'decent' woman isn't down to the worst woman on his list but the best. I'd think most would agree that merche and gemma were his best choice but I can't remember anyone liking them at the time and the only reason people like them a bit more now is that we've seen how much worse it's gotten over the last few yrs (if only for hindsight) and at least those 2 had some sort of career created off their own back/work before they got linked to him – but in reality they are still the best of a bad bunch.

            i suppose that it depends how everyone defines decent but i think he will always date someone who enjoys being in front of a camera and being in the public eye, who is open to plastic surgery if she already hasn't gone under the knife and who wouldn't look out of place featured in a playboy mag. Perhaps he isn't shallow in the rest of his life but i'm sorry to conclude that when it comes to woman all he seems to want is the easy option of a girl who's basically is only eye candy and "easy" (and bore him attractive children if he wants to be a father one day) if you know what i mean because lets be honest – he doesn't really require anything else from a woman, he can get intelligent? conversion from his mates, emotional support from his large family and even a chef/cleaner to take care of his home chores – it's limited of what he would want from a partner that he doesn't already have and therefore limited of what type of woman would be happy with that set up (i can only think of the current type he already goes out with that want the above only).

            The only thing is that the portuguese nt have picked some pretty decent wags in the past (i mean i think there is a doctor and lawyer in the Portuguese wag ranks and i think the majority try and keep out of the media or have at least earned the right of being their under their own career) so their may be hope for him yet.

            sorry that was all off topic – there's only so much you can say about a hair style!

            • Rosey says:

              Shewhoshallnotbenamed didn’t stay that quite. She was blabbing on MSN for two months before someone sold her out oh and I was told she took home video of his house and somehow it ended up on youtube. She is the worst. The other sluts always said nice things about him and eventually went away but not whatsherface. I think she new that it wasn’t going to last and she would get the fame/money she always wanted by selling him out. It will be two years in July since they broke up and she still is doing interviews about him, posing in magazines, and getting club appearances (all in Portugal mostly). Its disgusting. But eventually she will fade. Lets hope soon.

              I have always thought that nothing happen with Paris Hilton.

              I guess time will tell if he marries a decent girl and not a fame hungry golddigger that thinks posing topless is a “job”.

  25. senora ramos says:

    he really needs to cut that nastiness off his head. i’d even prefer the……rat tail to this mess.

  26. caquark says:

    Put colorful dyes in there and he’d be wearing a Mallard on his head!

  27. NandosGirl says:

    Oh, Cris. You tan yourself senseless, butcher your hair, and date a different ho every other day. And yet, I just. can't. hate. Might as well accept it. LOL at the "Shame-akh" :)

  28. shay says:

    The new look, which is really just that rat-tail crap but longer is Terrible (note the capital T) but this is Cristiano. He can go for a full on Striesand Perm straight outta a Star is Born and he will still be hotter than the sun. He's just letting the old freak flag fly, bless him.

  29. MrsNesta says:

    Short and sweet :)

  30. NinyaC says:

    Aww I like it. But short is sweet is the best.

    • Thali says:

      agreed. short + sweet is the best but im not fond of those black earrings on him; i just feel like some-one should run an strip them off of him amongst other things ….

  31. sana says:

    he looks hot with this hair.

  32. maria says:

    the shame-akh mk makes him look like a t-rex

  33. Jemima says:

    still hot though.

  34. Ish678 says:

    Short And Sweet is quite clearly the best one. I hate the extra bit that he always has at the back of his head – it drives me mad :p