June 30th, 2010

Cristiano Ronaldo: We Need To Talk

If you look closely, Crissy’s in there. Images via Reuters via Daylife.

Dear Cris,

We’re sorry to do this publicly. We are. But we love you lustily, and since you seem to have blocked our number, we were left with no choice. Perhaps this may be the shock you need.

You see, we saw your strangely wide, heavily-gelled faux-hawk type coiff in last night’s game. And while it’s subtle enough now, we are extremely concerned that if you continue along this stiffly slicked path, your next logical career move will be try outs for the latest series of Jersey Shore.

While you would clearly fit in well, we fear for the suppliers of fake tan in the Tri-state area and their ability to cope with the sudden spike in demand. Buy some clippers, even if they’re leopard, and shave.if.off. All of it. It will change your life and ours.

Whatddya think?

Kisses and nose rubs,

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43 Responses to “Cristiano Ronaldo: We Need To Talk”

  1. Futball says:

    he fits right in

  2. MissEstonia says:

    So sad to say I've lost all attraction to him. No, I'm being sincere. :( He used to just be the most gorgeous thing three-four years ago, now he just looks like he needs a shower and an intervention. And also a haircut. Please don't go down the Jersey Shore route! I still have so much respect for you as a player, do me a favour and don't stoop to that level.

  3. ruby says:

    Cristiano responds to Kickette's public intervention:

    "I am broken, completely devastated, frustrated and with an unimaginable sadness. I’m shattered, I have the right to suffer alone."

    He's a broken man, Kickettem, you should be ashamed of yourselves ;-)

  4. Jessi says:

    just google “ronaldo shorts”. he belongs on jersey shore. he’s orange and kind of skanky (he hooked up with paris hilton). he’s a great player, but i feel like i may need antibiotics if i got to close to him.

  5. [...] the original here: Cristiano Ronaldo: We Need To Talk « Kickette – Soccer/football … This entry was posted in the world cup and tagged 52-ahahahahahahahahahah, aka, boy-out, [...]

  6. Amanda says:


  7. Adriana Valentino says:

    Hello fellow CROTTPOL (Cristiano Ronaldo Obsession To The Point Of Lunacy) sufferers. I feel I must defend him, no matter what he does to his hair or what fashion faux pas he commits (see illness listed above). The man is FINE and has the ability to turn even previously sane women to mush with that body of his, and can pull off any hairstyle – even the euro rat-tail/fauxhawk combo with aplomb. That and the fact that he is the best (and most entertaining) footballer on the planet is why comparing him to The Sitauation et al is a joke.

    p.s- Hi Ella :-) totally agree with you about his curls.

    • Ella says:

      You're so right, he really can pull pretty much any hair style off! And he gets picked on so much for the same stuff MANY other celebs and athletes do.

      • Adriana Valentino says:

        EXACTLY!! Well said, it's like everyone has a double standard when it comes to him. People have this pre-conceived image of him being arrogant, vain etc based on biased media articles about him, and just love to take the piss out of him over stuff like his appearance, even though they ignore the same stuff when it comes to players like Torres.

        CR seems like an exceptionally nice guy – all you have to do is take the time to watch any of his documentaries or interviews to see what a genuine, humble, funny, charitable and kind-hearted guy he really is.

        The people who make fun of him are just sheep following the crowd without bothering to find out what he's really even like. And I've heard the same from people who've actually met him – he's lovely.

  8. Bria says:

    Bahahahahaha……hilarious!!!! CR9 aka 'The Situation'. Oh dear your killing me!! Love the kisses and nose rubs bit btw.

  9. Thea says:

    CR9 – AKA the ‘situation’…take the boy out of Mediera and all that!!!!

  10. EternalDreamer says:

    Is it sad that I actually like faux hawks? Have to agree with Violets on this one – Cristiano at least achieves something to garner the attention he receives.

  11. Karin C. says:

    ahahahahahahahahahahahaha, yes, he may be Jersey, but CR7 will always be hot.

    any time any place baby:)

  12. Violets says:

    It says a lot about his insane level of hotness that despite the fact that he fries his skin, gels his hair, and has never met a blinged-out Gucci shirt that he doesn’t like, I still want to do him.

    Cris has one very important thing that sets him apart from the Jersey Shore crew–he has actual, you know, talent. There’s a reason why he’s famous. Hate him or love him, the boy can play football.

    • Ella says:

      Agree! But let's remember he's not by any means the only guy who tries to fight his natural hair. He doesn't like his curls so he gels his hair to keep it under control. Why does everyone give him grief for it?

      Everyone seemed very supportive of Nando highlighting/bleaching his hair and growing it out and it often looked flat ironed! :)

      And here's a pic of him also looking very Jersey Shore-ish: http://www.footiewallpapers.com/2718/Players/Fern…

      My point is, Cris isn't the only one….

      • MmmXabs says:

        I support Nando’s peroxide addiction and his general metro-ness because I think freckles looks better with the long-ish blond hair. I thought he looked really sexy. He’s still cute now with the brown faux-hawk but I wish he hadn’t chopped off his hair.

        My point is: what Ronnie does, all his extravagances to himself – the hair straightening, the gallons of gel product, the extreme tanning, the over waxing – it all becomes too much and it makes him look WORSE than if he just toned it down a bit.

        I’m fine with footballers wanting to take care of themselves and put effort into their looks (God knows Nando loves fixing his hair), but I think Ronnie goes overboard. If you want to compare them, you’re right, Nando does have similar hair issues but he doesn’t tan himself 20 shades darker into an overburnt, plastic Ken doll.

        Ronnie really is the Euro version of Jersey Shore.

        • Ella says:

          To be fair, Nando is also much paler naturally. He probably couldn’t get as dark where as Cris is naturally dark so when he tans, he gets really tan. And I personally would rather my guy use hair gel than borrow my hair straightener and get salon highlights! LOL!

  13. Inés says:

    he’s defo very similar to those “Jersey Shore” idiots!

  14. Mona says:

    This is weird but as a Jersey-girl myself, I'm kind of proud to see Snooki on Kickette.

  15. imhereforthenando says:

    It is my dream that C Ron finally admit to his true nature, and join the case of Jersey Shore. His abs would make “The Situation” seem like “Nothing of Interest.”

    • Nefret says:

      This quote made my life and I wondering if I could copy and paste it so that it gets posted everywhere?

  16. Gaby says:

    Horrible thing to say… and yet H I L A R I O U S!!!!

  17. MissTorres says:

    Haha that looks so funny.

  18. senora ramos says:


    sadly it is too true.

    • Barcelista says:

      Must say I agree on this one ;)

      • Thea says:

        In fairness the RM have never been accused of heading the way in fashion stakes, unless you like green jeans, bad lumberjack shirts and sandles!!!

        • senora ramos says:

          sergio does no wrong in my eyes thea. you know that. but at least we have xabi to dress nice. lol! part of ramos’s charm is his horrible fashion sense.

          cris just fits in so well with that pic up top!

  19. Rehana :) says:

    Oh Cristiano, your hair, fake tan, and womanizing tendencies make me want to hate you, but this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDWoE0X6COc makes me love you. Skip to about 2:40 kickettes for some serious ovary death <3

    • Myra says:

      I never was a big fan of Cristiano, but this video made me love him. What a sweetheart.

      Thanks for that. :)

    • Mrs.DiegoForlan says:

      aww…this video makes me feel all mushy inside. :) now, give C-Ron a week tops to do something stupid and make me hate him again.

  20. TristaJade says:

    LoL; yes the hair was puffy and needs to never be again. K, Cristiano? Thanks. ;) <3<3

  21. tammyv says:

    I am still trying to figure out how XAVI is not already a Jersey Shore cast member

  22. Alisha says:

    I love the kisses and nose rubs bit!

  23. Dylulu says:

    I was thinking the same bad thing when I saw him yesterday!

  24. Ella says:

    No no no!!! I find it insulting to compare one of the most talented athletes in the world to this bunch of reality nobodys! And seriously, Cris has nothing on those Jersey boys' hair and tans.

  25. Trish says:

    This is why he'll never make my top ten list. Way too Jersey Shore for my taste.

  26. Nefret says:

    This is the funniest thing I have seen in a while and sadly very necessary.

    • keikoreo says:

      I'm not quite sure if this picture is hilarious or depressing. Maybe it's both in a sort of bipolar way. But hell to the yes is it necessary.