June 9th, 2010
Das Eisen schmieden, solange es heiß ist: 5 Best Bratwursts From Germany
No, Mario Gomez, you are not invited to our “Strike While The Iron Is Hot” party. You can fault your stunted facial fuzz growth, not us. Images via REUTERS/Johannes Eisele; FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP/Getty Images; AP Photo/Hassan Ammar. Thanks Em!
Through our labour-intensive research, we’ve developed a wealth of German national team knowledge. For example, as a whole, the players like their hair gel. And they have issues with singing their country’s national anthem. We’ve also expanded our interest in their WAGs as of late because honestly, you can’t make this juicy goodness up: one girlfriend has expectations of a wedding offering financial security, and jokes (Ed Note: we think she’s joking) that she’ll kill herself when her player’s gone from the NT. Another WAG nearly lost a stone following an internet comment-induced crash diet.
If you skipped your German tutor sessions before they even got started, then this guide’s for you. We’re not German linguistas by any stretch of the truth; however, we can spot a good look-alike or five when we see them.
This isn’t the first time 5-feet and 7-strong-inches Trochi has been on our radar, but his diminutive size makes him a wee bit harder to scope out on our vertically-fit radar.
He’s an Aries, a midfielder who likes to play with both feet and eats noodles before every game. We consider him our very own footballin’ Hugh Jackman. The one from Broadway; not the X-Men movies.
A native of Brazil, he never received the call for his home country’s squad, so the Brazilian’s loss was Germany’s gain. This married man has an affinity for posting shirtless pics of himself, making him a perfect Jamie Foxx-NSFW-in-the-bathroom substitute. Another fun factoid: when you Google image his name, pictures of yummy chocolate nubs appear out of thin air. Now that’s talent.
A man of many talents, Per’s big heart once motivated him to work with disabled children during his days as a normal person. Additionally, for those moments that your NT cell phones don’t work, he’s your go-to guy for finding a loop-hole. Best of all, he can bulge whilst bike riding – a talent the Kickette Short Tent Research Institute has not encountered before but is now making plans to further investigate.
We’re pumped at the possibility of the Steve Stifler of Deutschland going toe-to-toe with one of Spain’s finest short tent goal protectors and have scheduled time with our photoshop to give this bubbly blondie a bad-boy beard test run.
Perhaps the only player who can teach an airport how to reclaim its long-lost swagger, he should be forced to wear suits in public for all of eternity. While some critics were surprised at Aogo’s NT inclusion, we never doubted this man since he is single-handedly redefining the Blue Steel look.
Celebrity star match? JLS’s Marvin Humes.
A self-described modest and friendly guy, he has a penchant for fizzy redcurrant juice. For him, this 2009 – 2010 season has been a year of firsts: his first German national team call up is this summer’s biggest tournament, which follows his first domestic league title after making his Bayern Munich club debut. In fact, he’s so fresh-out-of-the-box that a mere two weeks ago we had never even heard of him. But now, we appreciate this tadpole’s quirky football helmets and hope he finds his love match so this world has one less “lonely girl” to look after.
Yes, we know that was cheesy. But we couldn’t help ourselves.
Who makes your hot German World Cup player list?