November 30th, 2011

Desperate Scousewives: A Front Line Report

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You might not think there are many downsides to working for Kickette, but there are. The actual writing, for one thing. Having to maintain constant vigilance over your secret emergency chocolate bar, for another.

That all pales in comparison to one staffer’s recent assignment, though. You see, when a new British ‘dramality’ show begins, one of us must watch it in case it’s remotely relevant to our lives. This time, our TV correspondent was left scared, helpless and with frizzy hair upon completing episode 1 of ‘Desperate Scousewives‘.

Brace yourselves, Kickettes. It only gets worse from there.

First thing to know? You have to be based in the UK to watch this. So about half of you are perfectly safe.

Second thing? Any show that makes TOWIE seem as culturally edifying as ‘The Southbank Show‘ must be watched at least once. If only to learn that Liverpool might be a lovely shiny city full of friendly people, but as is usual in an urban centre, there is a small contingent of people who should be avoided as if one’s own sanity depended on it.

For example, the entire cast of DS, whose slavish adherence to the activities of ‘real’ Scousewives ensures that walking through the streets with a head full of rollers is still a fashion statement in and of itself. Under normal circumstances, we might laugh, but by that point we were too busy enjoying an application of the infamous ‘Scouse-Brow‘ to some hapless individual to care.

Prior to watching, we kind of figured that Coleen Rooney and Alex Gerrard would be the suns around which this world revolves. What we failed to comprehend is the vast distance between the worlds these people inhabit. This was most amusingly articulated during the Liverpool Style Awards, when localite Amanda Harrington enthusiastically announced the winner of the Juice FM Most Stylish Scouser Award. The bored expressions on the faces of the assembled sub-strata glitterati confirmed what we knew that Amanda clearly didn’t – winner Coleen Rooney wasn’t coming to collect her award. Like, ever.

Poor Amanda. We’d like to say that we have plans to watch next week’s episode to find out whether she gets over the whole charade, but things are not looking good from our – or Joey Barton’s – perspective.

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20 Responses to “Desperate Scousewives: A Front Line Report”

  1. Agnes Wonka says:

    I'd watch it, just to laugh on their stupidity. Who are those in the picture?

  2. Katy says:

    Oi. You can poke fun at their appearance but don't start poking fun at the scouse accent.

  3. Marina_Isabella says:

    I wonder why do some women insist of looking like these chicks? *sigh* :S

  4. TheRamos says:

    What The….15 seconds into the show and I couldnt understand what they were saying, let alone distinguish who is who.They all look alike..

  5. Taz says:

    Very wag-a-bee denied! and how do the two girls look EXACTLY like Alex G and Abbey C at first glance?!

  6. Catie2838 says:

    Congrats Kickette! You now know exactly how I feel about every Real Housewives over here in the U.S. I'd rather rip my eyelashes out one by one than ever have another of those shows created. They still haven't horrified the locals of Chicago yet, and I have my fingers crossed that they never do. Here's hoping, for your sanity, that Desperate Sousewives doesn't spread.

    • Lady Bella says:

      I don't think anybody in Chicago would join the Real Housewives shitstorm. They'd do a Real Housewives of Detroit before they'd do a Chicago show. LOL.

      • Catie2838 says:

        This is very true. On an unrelated note, I'm actually kind of surprised they haven't trampled across Texas yet.

  7. Zoraida says:

    all im going to say is that sometimes i just miss the old joey barton..

  8. Hot4Spurs says:

    I want to watch it so badly!!! I wish it was available in the states. Can't watch TOWIE either. *sigh* I did get the chance to watch Geordie Shore though.

    • xoWinnie says:

      oh my god! lol, how was it!?!

      • Hot4Spurs says:

        Just as outrageous as Jersey Shore, but allowed to show bare boobs and hear all the curse words. I'm guessing shows are not as censored as they are here. I think American adults are responsible enough to handle something like that but we're censored so much.

    • mena says:

      Well, if you really want to watch it, someone uploaded the full episode on YouTube:

      OK, now remember, I'm posting the link as a favor. Don't blame me when it's over and there's 45 minutes of your life that you're NEVER going to get back! LOL!

      • Hot4Spurs says:

        Thanks Mena! WooHooooo! I won't blame you, I promise!

        Ok. Just watched it and first off I'll just say how happy I am they show asses on tv in the UK! It was not too bad. The makeup is way too heavy and at times I had to really listen hard to know what some were saying. The two husbands are hilarious. The "Scouse Eyebrow" was hilarious. The stalker chic (Layla I believe) is embarressing herself. I really love these staged reality shows, even in the states.

        • mena says:

          A naked butt was the first thing that made me sit up & take notice too!!! Hellooooo!!! LOL!!! I didn't think the show was as awful as some in the media have said. I've only seen a few episodes of TOWIE, but I don't think that show is any better than this one. They're both the same silly nonsense. The only thing TOWIE has going for it is they've been on the air longer.

          For all the fuss Abbey Clancey made about her cousin Chloe being on the show, I assumed Chloe would be a nightmare, but she seemed the least phony… which is good! The Ex-GF looks like a Potential Doormat, Layla looks like a Bunny Boiler and Amanda looks like a Battle Axe (kinda funny that she's the one who's supposedly good friends with Alex Gerrard! LOL!).

          Meh, it's no HBO but it's not totally awful. I'll tune in!

          • Hot4Spurs says:

            I agree with you about Chloe! She seems to be truthfully ditzy but in a good, sweet girl way. I got the same impression about Amanda, but mind you, Alex Gerrard has been known to get into a few scrapes herself. LOL! Layla is just plain rediculous!

      • Jen says:

        Brilliant!!! Thanks so much. It is tragically bad/good!!

      • Jen says:

        Also, why do the ladies with rollers in their hair end up with straight hair for the Style awards??

  9. mata says:

    Pouffy short skirts, billowing cream puff chiffon, evening shorts, black roots and hair extensions. If they had added an underwear-as-outerwear transparent black dress they would have nailed the look of Colleen, Alex and Abbey.