April 10th, 2012

Easter Weekend Results: Vulgar (But Hot) Displays Of Power

Whether to your liking or not, Kickettes, several clubs reasserted their dominance over their respective leagues this weekend.

Your failure to recover from the extended Easter break enough to read about them is aided by today’s Weekend Results roundup.

EPL

Despite rumours to the contrary, Manchester United players are not yet able to control the game by sheer force of will. They’re not far off it though, so you can’t blame Rafael for trying. Image: REUTERS/Darren Staples.

A few weeks ago, the wise sages in the UK press were stroking their chins and shaking their heads at the possibility of Manchester City nicking the title from under the noses of the red rivals. United have too much experience at winning, they said. City will lose their nerve.

Irritatingly, it seems they were right. This morning, Manchester United sit eight points clear at the top of the table after a comfortable (if slightly controversial) 2-0 win over QPR. Manchester City played Arsenal, and anyone who enjoyed our lead image this morning knows what happened there. Short of Roberto Mancini having a Keegan-esque meltdown on live TV, there’s probably not a great deal more to see here.

Clint Dempsey dented Bolton’s hopes of staying in the EPL on Saturday, then dumped Chelsea into the most ignominious of positions – below Newcastle in the table. Deuce scored two at the Reebok, but since Wolves, Wigan and Blackburn all lost, Bolton are still hovering above the relegation places today. His 82nd minute strike at home vs. the Blues was arguably the more damaging – they are now in sixth and face a struggle to make it back into the top four.

They’ll be ever so grateful to Tottenham, who followed up a goalless draw at Sunderland with a 2-1 defeat at Norwich and are now level on points with the aforementioned Magpies. Whose amazeballs form may well usher them into that much sought after Champions League spot.

Any clever pundits predict that? No. Thought not.

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La Liga

Michu. Scores twice, then roars in a vary manly manner. Fair enough. Image via rayovallecano.es.

Let us begin by giving Rayo Vallecano an honorable mention. The promoted side, whose troubles off the pitch have so far eclipsed anything they’ve managed on it, trounced an unsuspecting Osasuna 6-0 on Saturday. Two of the goals were scored by Michu (above), but before fans of the side rush out to get his name printed on their replica shirts, please note he has already responded positively to rumours that Manchester United and Porto are interested in acquiring his services.

Meanwhile, Real Madrid’s failure to beat Valencia at the Bernabeu has merely strengthened our resolve to take Monday 23rd April off. Barcelona’s Champions League commitments have caused El Clasico to be brought forward a day to Saturday 21st April, and with the gap between the two down to four points after Pep’s boys beat relegation threatened Real Zaragoza 4-1, we fear a bloodbath.

Not on the pitch. We take that for granted. No, we’re talking about the comments section of the subsequent results post.

If that wasn’t enough trauma, Fernando Llorente ended Bilbao’s five game winless run with a header and crept to within a point of opponents Sevilla. As of today, a mere five points separate 13th and 6th place, so it’s going to be a super exciting run-in outside of the top two as well. Awesome.

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Serie A

Leonardo Bonnuci gets his guns out for the Kickettes. Image: REUTERS/Massimo Barbanera.

Carvalho Amauri was an unexpected contributor to Juventus’ title challenge on Saturday, despite having left the club last year. The man whose crimes against hats (among other things) saw a disgruntled fan put him up for sale on eBay, scored a last minute winner for latest club Fiorentina, who just happened to be playing Juve’s title rivals AC Milan. Milan dropped three points, Juve went on to beat Palermo 2-0 and now they’re tightening their grip on the lead.

Looking at Bonnuci’s muscles, we won’t bet against ‘em to hold on.

Normal service has been resumed at Inter, who came from behind twice vs. Cagliari but ended up drawing 2-2. If it’s surprise you want, look no further that Roma, whose Champions League fantasies took a serious knock at the hands of relegation threatened Lecce. The Giallorossi lost 4-2, but it could’ve been a damn sight worse. As late as 85 minutes the scoreline was 4-0; goals from Bojan (88) and Lamela (90) saved some serious blushing.

What’s going on, Kickettes? Is the overwhelming prettiness becoming to much to bear at the Stadio Olimpico?

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Bundesliga

Couldn’t you have just kicked it clear? By the way, team, this Thomas Kraft chap. He’s cuter than this picture implies. Image: REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay.

With Dortmund and Bayern seeing off their respective opponents, the gap between the top two remains at three points in Dortmund’s favour. Schalke’s 3-0 win over Hannover saw them consolidate position in the Champions League spots, but while Borussia Monchengladbach’s nine point advantage over closest rival Stuttgart implies that fourth is theirs, their recent run of poor form does not. ‘Gladbach’s 0-0 draw with Hertha plus Stuttgart’s 4-1 win over Mainz confirmed our idle speculation nicely.

Cologne’s battle to stay in the top flight took a knock as they drew 1-1 with Werder Bremen and Hamburg don’t have a great deal to be cheery about this morning either. They drew 1-1 with sixth placed Bayer Leverkusen and while they’re not actually in the relegation zone, they can surely feel it’s hot breath on the back of their necks.

Sorry. Blame the purple prose on the fact that we’re almost certainly still drunk after Easter.

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Ligue 1

If you stick an unwanted appendage in someone’s mouth, Alou Diarra, you run the risk of having it bitten off. You have been warned. Image: KENZO TRIBOUILLARD/AFP/Getty Images.

Despite their own outbreak of unsportsmanlike behaviour, Paris Saint Germain joined Montpellier at the top with a 2-1 win over handsy opponents Marseille. Lille failed to keep up the pace though, unexpectedly losing 3-1 to Brest and presumably spending most of Sunday watching their title hopes trot off into the distance. Fourth placed Lyon didn’t help, winning their fixture vs. Auxerre 2-1 and creeping to within three points of the side who they beat by the same margin just a couple of weeks ago.

Speaking of Auxerre, while it’s theoretically possible for them to remain in the top flight next season, their recent poor form suggests that it’s about as likely as Kickette being awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Sorry boys. We’re dealing with it, so you have to.

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MLS

Montreal Impact’s Bernardo Corradi (R) fights for the ball against Toronto FC’s Richard Eckersley Image: REUTERS/Christinne Muschi.

Montreal Impact’s uninspiring form in their first MLS season was forgotten by their fans this weekend, as they beat Canadian rivals Toronto 2-1. Toronto, for all their success last season, find themselves pointless at the bottom of the Eastern conference this morning, while the three points won by Montreal sees them move up to 8th.

Will Toronto take comfort from the fact that the team they beat in last season’s CONCACAF Champions League quarter-final are also floundering? Doubtful, but even our paralysed eyebrows have forced themselves into an arch over Becks boys’ recent form. Galaxy are rooted to the bottom of the Western Conference on three points, beaten 1-0 by a super perky Sporting Kansas City. Portland Timbers’ 2-1 defeat to Chivas makes this weekend’s game vs. Galaxy a must-win for both teams.

Other notable happenings included Thierry Henry taking his season tally so far to seven, adding another two in the Red Bulls’ 4-1 win in Columbus Crew’s back yard, with Chris Wondolowski bringing up the rear on six. He scored two in the Earthquakes 3-1 win over Vancouver Whitecaps.

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Do you lot find this end of the season as stressful as we do? Tell us. But in a calm, relaxed manner so as not to add to our pain at coming back to work this morning.

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37 Responses to “Easter Weekend Results: Vulgar (But Hot) Displays Of Power”

  1. xbabyshakesx says:

    Good win for gunners on Sunday and today! KEEP IT GOING!

  2. footballa says:

    What happened to Athletic Bilbao?! They are in the Copa del Rey final and in the semis for Europa League, but they are struggling in La Liga. I need my daily dose of Llorente and his cute teammates. But they need to start winning more league games so they can qualify for at least the Europa League next year. Do they automatically qualify if they are in the Copa del Rey final?

  3. Kay20 says:

    Please god a victory for my Galaxy this weekend. It's getting dire.

  4. Madeleine says:

    One thing. ARSENALLLLLL !!!!!! The game was just so flipping amazing ! I’m so proud of my adorkable boys :)

  5. Mrs_Q_Borri says:

    O-M-G!!!! First of all a round of applause to Valencia's defenders!!!! What a game they played, what a game was played by both teams!!! I almost died from a heart attack… Beetwen the screaming , jumping and ecxitement I couldn't contain myself!! Guaitá is defenetly my hero what a match he played the best from this season from him! To all of the defenders, another one who played extraordinary was Meme Topal! He ran, fought he did everything!! Adil, Victor Ruiz and Jordi Alba, there are no words. They did so good with such presure by the Madrid's fowards. In La Liga nothing is written yet, yes they had 10 points ahead of us but now there is only 4. This is getting so good!! Is surreal! xD Fuerza CULÉ, 100% <3

    On a down side, Pepe!! Jesus Christ!! That man needs therapy, he needs a psycologist to help him handle his anger issues. I can 'understand' him being 'harsh' with his opponents but when he does it with his own team-mates! There is when you now something is defenetly wrong. Boy go get it, ASAP!!

    On another down side, My dreams of going to see La Roja (i.e. Iker, Llorente) are pretty much over now! :'(

  6. Mrs_Q_Borri says:

    O-M-G!!!! First of all a round of applause to Valencia’s defenders!!!! What a game they played, what a game was played by both teams!!! I almost died from a heart attack… Beetwen the screaming , jumping and ecxitement I couldn’t contain myself!! Guaitá is defenetly my hero what a match he played the best from this season from him! To all of the defenders, another one who played extraordinary was Meme Topal! He ran, fought he did everything!! Adil, Victor Ruiz and Jordi Alba, there are no words. They did so good with such presure by the Madrid’s fowards. In La Liga nothing is written yet, yes they had 10 points ahead of us but now there is only 4. This is getting so good!! Is surreal! xD Fuerza CULÉ, 100% <3

    On a down side, Pepe!! Jesus Christ!! That man needs therapy, he needs a psycologist to help him handle his anger issues. I can 'understand' him being 'harsh' with his opponents but whe he does it with his own team-mates! There is whe you now something is defenetly wrong. Boy go get it, ASAP!!

    On another down side, My dreams of going to see La Roja (i.e. Iker, Llorente) are pretty much over now! :'(

  7. Sarah, Madrid says:

    I forget to add, GRANDE RAUL, my peter pan, getting younger with age, he can't stop can he?

  8. Lizzie says:

    a) still no image of a Shirtless Aldo de Nigris *sigh*
    B) It a heart breaking game RM against Valencia oh how I wanted my Madrid to score a few those shot and none of them went in….. Gauita was a hell of a goalie in that game….

  9. Kristina says:

    I still say four points is too many. So I'll have to agree with Pep when he said that the team must "smile less and run more". Miracles do happen though, and who knows, etc. Looking forwards to tonights game!

    And, yeah, Pepe must be a liability to the club. What an epic tragedy it would have been if he actually would've hurt Arbeloa. Or Piatti for that matter. He's a disgrace, I've said that for a long time now. Him and Balotelli should just find themselves another path in life.

    It's a tight league behind the two giants in La liga. It's gonna be a very interesting spring! I don't know if my heart will be able to take it. Not to mention my friends! :) .

    Also happy for the adorkables at Arsenal!

  10. Michel Telo says:

    He played a very nice match againt Man. City.
    Just incredible what balotelli did, i do not like these cane players.

  11. IrishBlue says:

    Absolutely shocking decisions by the linesman at the Chelsea v Wigan game.

    I'm hardly gonna complain too much cos we won but a win is never as satisfying when it wasn't won fairly.

    Pity we could only get the draw against Fulham, that Clint Dempsey! He's unstoppable at the mo.

    • April says:

      I have very mixed feelings about that whole weekend of results. While Chelsea were due some lucky officiating, I wouldn't have really wished it against Wigan, of all teams. And that match was boring as all get out (for the second time this season). The second goal was harder to tell, but the first goal ought not to have stood. Clint was almost stoppable, though… if we could only manage to defend set pieces in the slightest. At the rate they were happening in that match, it was inevitable. Chelsea are either losing steam physically, or mentally. They need to find some way of getting charged up this week. And I bet Torres is going to looooove his autograph session this Friday, what with yesterday's performance and all.

  12. Gladys says:

    I'm looking forward to the exciting play of El Clasico but not to the crazy conspiracy-flinging that's going to be coming from all sides. Oh well. What can you do…such is the rivalry. I was so happy for Valencia…I know I'm first and foremost a Barca fan, so we benefited from the tie, of course. But I've got a Valencia soft spot. They needed that point (well, they needed a win, actually, but hopefully they can shoot back into third), and they defended their hearts out (especially Guaita). Both RM and Los Che were sure unlucky with those goalposts, as well, but I've never watched such an exciting 0-0 match.

    And, as for Rayo, wow is that a hardluck story. Like Levante (who are proving to be beasts despite player age and lack of finances) but without the happy ending. I feel bad cheering on one of the best (and richest) teams in the world, when the managers of some teams are paying highway tolls out of their own pockets (Sid Lowe has an awesome column in the Guardian this week about the team– it will break your heart.) Looks like they're going to avoid relegation, but I hope they sort out their finance problems and get some more good players on loan.

    Lastly, thanks, Puyi, for this: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2860028748…
    I adore Masch for his intelligence and leadership skills on the pitch…but he looks pretty good shirtless, too.

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      I have this soft side for Getafe ( for the fact you nature our talents, such as Granero and De le red :( , soldado.etc), but Rayo as a club has gained my respect, they are not your usual Spanish team, they are closer to their style to english team, you know that in their games they have english chants ‘we are the best in europe, then they chante never walk alone, in the middle liverpool chant) it is so amazing to hear it in Spanish stadiums! Their players take metro for their games :( ! I said it before, but you know Michu has one the best goalscoring average behind only soldado, llorente and RAUL for Spain! I will be sad to see them going down for me because they are just so inconsistent, they add so much for Liga as Betis does!
      They even have anti racism banners in their stadium! I know Sidlowe piece is so amazing!
      About valencia! I am 100% emery is not gonna to continue with Valencia next season, they are forth now! Levante still there one point behind them, although Malaga is still one point ahead of them!

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      I have this soft side for Getafe ( for the fact you nature our talents, such as Granero and De le red :( , soldado.etc), but Rayo as a club has gained my respect, they are not your usual Spanish team, they are closer to their style to english team, you know that in their games they have english chants ‘we are the best in europe, then they chants never walk alone, in the middle liverpool chant) it is so amazing to hear it in Spanish stadiums! Their players take metro for their games :( ! I said it before, but you know Michu has one the best goal scoring average behind only soldado, llorente and RAUL for Spain! I will be sad to see them going down for me because they are just so inconsistent, they add so much for Liga as Betis does!
      They even have anti racism banners in their stadium! I know Sidlowe piece is so amazing!
      About valencia! I am 100% emery is not gonna to continue with Valencia next season, they are forth now! Levante still there one point behind them, although Malaga is still one point ahead of them!

    • Kristina says:

      I agree totally about Masch! But all i can see is Puyi….wow.

      • Gladys says:

        Puyi's inability to keep his clothes on seems to be spreading to the rest of the team. Quite a bit of shirtlessness in the locker rooms this season. Thanks, Captain!

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      I totally have soft side for Getafe as it is the club that help in our babies to grow ( Granero, De Le Red :( , Soldado..etc), now Sarabia is there, but I have my total respect for Rayo, they are not your usual spanish side, they are very close to english team, you know they have their own chants in English when they chant " we are the best team in europe with the mash up of Liverpool yyou will never walk alone, they even have banner against racisim. I don't want them to get relegated as they are one of these clubs in Liga that play amazingly but are not consistent as much as Betis are! Michu has one of the best goalscoring ratio for Spain only behind Llorente, Soldado and RAUL,
      About Valencia, I am 100% sure that they won't keep Emery, they are forth now, Malaga is one of these teams in Liga that only are getting better, although they are 1 point behind them, Levante is one point behind them too, the European places will be an epic battle tbh.

      • Gladys says:

        I think you're right about Emery. It's a shame…he demands so much of the team and you can see it in their hard work and discipline and all the players that really rise to the top (and then leave, sadly). I wonder who will replace him. What players do you think will be leaving this season? Soldado? (I'm pretty sure Jordi Alba is going to Barca since they need defenders. But Rami, Mathieu and Piatti are so good, as well.)

        Speaking of Rami– don't you want more of him on the site? That man is one sexy beast. Two goals in the Europa game. Wow.

        • Sarah, Madrid says:

          I would happyly replace him with Pepe in heart beat :p, I KNOW he iss soooo sexy and one of the best defenders in Liga for this season! I don't think there is high demand on the rest of Valencia ( excluding, Alba and Rami) players as much was on Mata, silva..etc Banega could be sold he is awesome another player I wouldn't mind in Madir, btw his little accident could cost his coach his job, they are really find it hard to cope without him, even Canales who started this season brilliantly.

          • Gladys says:

            There's an adorable picture of Canales in a tie on Piatti's twitter (Piatti looks like a pre-teen, it's crazy) with a couple of other team members at dinner. You would love it. Made me sad to think of all the players who were out all season with injuries. Afellay's back this week, but Canales, Rossi, Villa…I'm sure I'm missing others…Banega and his stupid gas station accident. I hope they're all back to top shape, at least for next season.

        • Kristina says:

          I think Jordi is a bit too short. Barca needs at least one more tall person at the back. I like him though. I like Valencia a lot as a team.

          • Gladys says:

            I hear you about his height. Yesterday's game shows how desperate we are for some tall defenders on set pieces. But I still think they're going to buy him. He has a lot of spirit, though, and I just think we are destined to add more shorties to the squad.

    • hansh says:

      Oh Masch… I'm drooling. Can I have him, kickettes? That face… with those abs…

  13. Sergz says:

    Extremely happy about United’s (potential) title! However, Young’s dive was unnecessary. I don’t want diving players in my team, a club like Man United can probably win without resorting to cheating…

    Also, Mario needs to.grow the f*ck up. He’s entertaining, yes. But stomping on players heads (Parker) and kicking them in the knees on purpose is abuse. If he did that outside of the pitch he’d end up in prison. For sure.

  14. LizzyHS90 says:

    The Valencia keeper did really good. It was a pretty exciting game.

    • April says:

      Was it Diego Alves? Because that guy can really turn it on in some matches (for example, the first Valencia v. Chelsea CL match last year… not so much the second).

  15. Gladys says:

    How adorable is Arteta in that photo!!?

    Also, is it just me or is League 1 by far the most fashionable league? Every team always looks great. And what's with that pink and white ball?

  16. Sarah, Madrid says:

    I am done with Pepe, he has issues! I understand how Arbeloa tried to tune it down, but the hell is wrong with him! !.
    Overall the team responded very well under pressure, it was THE BEST gafas I saw recently, what a performance by Guaita, his best performance in the season?
    RM didn't play bad,we created 33 shots, 33 FREAKING SHOTS! That Di Maria save, that Alba save by Iker, posts which saved us and Valencia, Valencia defended their heart out and had a great game Kudos to them! seriously hats off, caught by surprise that emery has ripped a paper from Jose Mourinho hand book of defending, their counter scared the hell out of me, Pepe had a great game and that's sad part, why ruin it PEPE!

    I never thought Liga was won when we were 10 points ahead, I won't say it will be won until it is won! Our players know it, it is gonna be one hell of coming weeks, all I know am supporting my team! HASTA EL FINAL VAMOS MADRID! Sooo proud of Bernabeu.

    Hala Madrid!! and Malaga honestly keep it going, Rud keep on scoring!

  17. KSmith says:

    LOVE Mikel Arteta, extremely proud Everton fan here. And too mention he is hot as well

  18. JA7 says:

    Man it feels good being a gooner by getting that win on Sunday and not to mention a shot of Arteta's beautiful body! ;)

  19. Sam says:

    You're damn right Kickette, it's gonna be a bloodbath in the comment section after el Clasico. I don't know if it's safe to even watch the thing.

    RM seems to have a little nervous problem at the moment. But I'm with Pep, there's no way RM will loose their grip on this Liga. No matter how much I would want them to. However, they are entertaining to watch right now. Pepe kicking his own teammate (seriously, what's wrong with him?), Di Marias impersonation of a fish out of water. Sometimes, when put under a little pressure, they seem to struggle to hang on to their sanity.

    Well, well, it's a brutal April that's for sure. Yay for the Red Devils though! They always seem to pull through. And for Arsenal!