April 16th, 2010
Premier League: Top Four Torso Finishers
Guess who? Image via AP Photo
It’s that time of the year again.
That window in the footballing calendar when we are sufficiently (if momentarily) distracted from our pursuit of short tents and fash-fails to cast an eye over the league tables and think about who will win.
Trouble is, Kickettes, we’ve been in the pub for so long now that the title race is nearly locked and loaded. Looking ahead to the final weekends, we’re predicting the top four table finishers based on the face/body talent ratio.
This isn’t about team allegiance, people, this is about cold hard facts. Taking one’s clothes off is inversely related to goal scoring. Peeling back layers earns points. Simple as that.
We realise that in posting this chesticuff scenario we are likely to prompt the kind of scenes in our comments section generally only available on the National Geographic channel. But this is our take on how we envision the remainder of the season panning out. After all, we have a knack for predicting the future.
This year saw a valiant effort to regain league bragging rights from Chelsea’s chests and abs. Like any good grab bag, we had Frank Lampard, Didier Drogba and John Terry always at our disposal. At times, both Terry and Lampard topless together. Entering the home stretch, we now have too many shirtless Blues boys to choose from. Not a bad problem to have.
No one can deny how hard they worked their washboards this season. Four points clear of second place with as many games to go, we say Chelsea’s toned tummies will take the title.
2. Manchester United
Sadly, some of our favourites from United – Vidic, Berba and Hargreaves included – strip far too infrequently for our liking. And since the last few games haven’t gone their way, their shirt removal hasn’t gone our way.
But not for Rio. Thank heavens for Rio. The club captain has even encouraged other chest contenders to come out of the woodwork during their Carling Cup locker room celebration. Don’t think we’re ungrateful, though, as we do appreciate Federico Macheda’s budding biceptual ways. But Rio has been in the buff enough times this season to carry his squad to the second chiseled spot in Kickette’s fantasy world and in the league. We’ll put Kai Rooney’s crayons on the fact that they’ll remain there through the end of the season.
The shirt removal to scoring ratio was inconsistently slim, we recognise. But sometimes quality rules the day and when the Gunners flashed the flesh, it was good.
Nicky B. was our breakout six-pack of the year, stripping down a record-breaking five times (we counted; feel free to object with further proof). Unfortunately, though, with Bendtner securing the team’s stripper spot, that meant Robin van Persie lost this coveted role.
RVP had a sad season marred by injuries. Regardless, we can only wonder ‘what if his stomach had the chance to shine’ so much until we seal Arsenal’s third place fate. Next year.
Since the remaining formation is still a toss-up to us, here’s our verdict on who will duke out the crucial fourth place finish needed to play Champions League football next season.
4th Spot Fighters: Tottenham
With Champions League football so close they could taste it, Tottenham’s Michael Dawson should’ve banked a few more crunches at the gym for those ‘just in case’ moments such as his London derby win striptease Wednesday evening. Then again, Dawson deserves all that’s due for he provided the only penis envy moment of the EPL season.
These London lads should look back on 2008′s team bonding techniques to ensure future success.
4th Spot Fighters: Manchester City
So Robinho’s waistline was entirely up to par, but his departure only benefited the Blue side of Manchester for the remainder of the season. There are parts of us eternally grateful that Man City kept it covered for the most part. While we wouldn’t go so far as to say ‘uggo’, the thought of Robinho parading his nipples around the countryside makes retirement the only option.
Oh, and we want/need/crave more Roque, please.
4th Spot Fighters: Liverpool
Liverpool tend to err on the side of modesty – why Nando insists on keeping his shirt on at all times (except when he’s on holiday) we have no idea. BTW, thanks for the effort Jamie Carragher, but perhaps next time you could express your joy in some other way? A short song, perhaps?
Yes, we are with Rafa Benitez that this is a long shot. However, we feel obligated to show Glen Johnson what he’ll be up against next season as motivation to try harder. And possibly serve as his encouragement to enroll the first-teamers in group relaxation rubs and towel-less sauna therapy.