January 13th, 2012
EURO 2012: An Accommodations Overview, France NT
Any conflict in the camp will be resolved with a cerebral game of chess. Any conflict over the rules of chess will be resolved by throwing hideous wooden chairs at one another. Image: Alexander KHUDOTEPLY/AFP/Getty Images.
Our exciting new series continues with a ‘going over’ of the EURO 2012 facilities that await the French NT.
Based in Donetsk, the Kirsha Training complex was specifically designed for the use of Ukranian league champs Shakhtar, who by the looks of things, like upsetting shades of green.
More importantly, though, is the place player-proof? Let’s have a look, shall we?
The Entrance Hall
Image: Alexander KHUDOTEPLY/AFP/Getty Images.
Appearances can be deceptive, so while this appears to be a fairly innocent reception area, it was actually designed as a boobie trap to catch any badly behaved dirty stay outs.
Note that both staircase and floor are are made of marble, which we know is impossible to walk when inebriated. The architects also cleverly incorporated a Christmas tree, trophy and a small plant into the design, items that are irresistible playthings for intoxicated individuals.
We fully expect to read tales of team members doing Indiana Jones-like crawls across the lobby via unidentified sources in the gossip pages.
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The Treatment Room
Image: Alexander KHUDOTEPLY/AFP/Getty Images.
An essential facility for any team with serious hopes of lifting a cup, the treatment room has all the equipment necessary to keep the French NT in tip-top tournament condition – an uncomfortable looking couch, a desk, abandoned cardboard boxes and some bottles of man moisturiser in a cabinet.
A handily situated window has been provided for those Kickette soldier boys and girls brave enough to hop the facility’s barbed wire fence just to get their perv on.
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The Swimming Pool
Image: Alexander KHUDOTEPLY/AFP/Getty Images.
It’s not pink and lit with waterproof underwater sparkly things like Portugal’s pool, so that’s a plus. What the training complex does have, however, is wicker seating and a peculiar mist hovering above the pool.
According to sources**, this is a cloud of helium gas that will be unleashed on irritable or testy ‘ballers in order to avoid another major tournament spat. Scientific research (conducted in the Mayhem & Fruit Beverages Suite) suggests that fights will cease to escalate due to all parties temporarily speaking like Alvin & The Chipmunks.
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The Seating Amenity
Image: Alexander KHUDOTEPLY/AFP/Getty Images.
At some point during the next six months, Yoann Gourcuff and Olivier Giroud’s respective bottoms will be found nestling in two of these charming chairs.
Makes the colourway a little more tolerable, doesn’t it?
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All the main rooms have been checked out by us, but we’ll need to conduct a more ‘thorough’ review of the premises just in case. Would between 8th June and 1st July work?
**We may have made this part up.
I am officially impressed. There are so many wonderful things to discover internationally! I haven't been to this hotel before but I was planning on visiting a Sydney harbour this year. Do you have any other suggestions for people eager to explore?
As for Donetsk as nothing-to-see city. There's some interesting information about services in Donetsk on EURO:
http://euro2012.donbass-arena.com/
I can totally see the players messing around there. I wanna swim with Benzi in that pool!
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So what's the point here? To make us wish we were these "charming" green chairs?
lol
Uau paradise !!
The France NT is staying in Donetsk? There's nothing much IN Donetsk. I guess they figured the England NT got one round further than France did at the last major championship, and clearly their base in Nowheresville, Rustenburg was the reason.
No offense to any Donetskians who may be reading this. I'm sure it's a lovely place to live, but from what I've heard, it's not exactly a tourist destination.
Talk about turning things over. The lobby is my fav part with the christmas tree and the plant perfect for ''intoxicated individuals''. Lol! Kickette you are so darn funny.
That chess room seems way too easy to turn into an illegal gambling den complete with underage call girls.
*cough* Ribery *cough* ;p
Can't even begin to explain the amount of quality up in this comment! haha
This editorial is lol hilarious … it IS curious about that Christmas tree … thank you for starting my Friday the 13th off perfectly!
I can totally see Yoann intensely playing chess all by himself.
yea..and french media going to town about how aloof he is.
It's sad but I can totally see that happening. Maybe he can teach Ribery how to play, but then Ribery would probably start chucking pieces if he ends up losing -.-"
Heh. You said "testy ballers".
omg you're such a 7th grader lol. We didn't even need to notice that haha.