December 1st, 2011

EURO 2012: An Accommodations Overview, Portugal NT

Contrary to appearances, this bath was not designed by Stephen Ireland. Image: REUTERS/Piotr Skornicki/Agencja Gazeta.

With the UEFA EURO 2012 draw less than 24 hours away, our limited attention spans have gravitated towards teams’ accommodations. Where will our favourite ‘ballers be holed up during the tourney? Will the management take personal tastes into consideration whilst selecting a hotel or will they only be mindful of relaxation and seclusion from the imminent hysteria? Moreover, how boring will it all be?

We’ll be examining several of the posh pads that the rich and WAGalicious will be occupying this summer at random, beginning today with the Remes hotel in Opalencia, Poland. Google Map this location, Kickettes, because the Remes will be housing the Portuguese NT throughout the tournament.

Join us as we have a nose around the place, offering our own opinions about the decor along the way, obviously.

The Gym

As we know, high profile footballer players have an image to maintain. These weights are polished hourly to ensure maximum shine factor if, say, an undercover photographer were to bypass security and pop a few shots of a hot sweaty player flexing his biceps before she’s tackled rugby-style in the bushes by an extremely angry, shaved-headed man with a gun.

Astute readers may have already noted how the wood flooring matches Cristiano’s favoured ‘summer tan‘ shade. This was an intentional upgrade by the hotel staff, which serves to assist said player’s camouflaging efforts while under siege from the aforementioned, totally unauthorised Kickette staff photographers.


The Bar

Image: REUTERS/Piotr Skornicki/Agencja Gazeta.

For the purposes of this post, we have conducted a number of experiments involving balance to intoxication ratios. This style of seating is second only to the¬†flipstick in it’s failure to keep bar patrons upright with each additional cocktail consumed after the ‘third drink’ mark**.

Clearly the hotel’s management sought to knock the overly thirsty players off their seats as a subtle hint for them to crawl back to their guest rooms before they’re praying to their porcelain toilet shrines in the morning.

**Beanbags were the most supportive seating amenity when howlingly drunk. They do tend to stain though.


The Bedroom

Image: REUTERS/Piotr Skornicki/Agencja Gazeta.

A neat, tidy arrangement that simultaneously respects the requirement for personal space and the need for midnight cuddles. They’ve even written handy philosophical quotes on the carpet, not to be confused with a lady of the night’s morning after note of good riddance.


Any glaring oversights for you there, Kickettes? Tell us and we’ll pretend to forward them onto the Portuguese FA for consideration.

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19 Responses to “EURO 2012: An Accommodations Overview, Portugal NT”

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  4. Kate says:

    That bathtub.. is just amazing!!

  5. lone- Brazil says:

    Uau !!

  6. Agnes Wonka says:

    If that pink-lighted bath could talk after the championship…..

  7. Marina_Isabella says:

    The pink bath tub was custom-made for Crissy Ronaldo.

  8. NoSocksForChristmas says:

    oh, clearly the place where England NT will be living this time is not boring.

    It's in fact all sorts of not boring and I am sure it will be a subject of too many jokes around summer. Like -too many jokes.

    They did choose a location in the centre of city Krakow, where their fellow countryman are frequently coming to enjoy their bachelor parties, that include them running naked on the streets and a lots of other activities;-)

    The place where they will be located has like 100 bars or more (not closed at 22, no, no) and it's just next to the city market which is a kind of vibrant during summer nights, to say the least. I am still wondering whether the hotel they'd stay has soundproof windows;-)

    I am kinda happy for all the fun, because it is my city, and the Dutch NT will be here too, in fact I cannot wait for all the fun and I am saying it in both positive and ironic way;-)))

  9. LuvinBale says:

    Bath= amazing!

  10. Ula says:

    Girls, hotel Remes in Opalenica not Opalencia ;)

  11. Catie2838 says:

    I'm still stuck on the bathtub. Everything else is blah in comparison. But back to the bathtub, I think I would endlessly make fun of whoever owned that thing, but also think I would quite enjoy sipping champagne in it…

  12. Taz says:

    more than anything i love the caption of the bath tub photo!! lol it takes me back to pics of the Halloween horror that was the pink bedroom in steven ireland's house haha

  13. IrishBlue says:

    I want that bath!

  14. Kat22 says:

    That bath is fantastic! Not too keen on the bedroom though…but hey – there's always the bar to relax in! ;-)

  15. xoWinnie says:

    i need that bathtub in my life!

  16. Miss XOXO says:

    Wow nice pinky tab…I luv it.

  17. LindaTuga says:

    "Astute readers may have already noted how the wood flooring matches Cristiano’s favoured ‘summer tan‘ shade." hahahahahhahahaha thanks for that now I have that image stuck in my head :)
    I think CR7 will be really happy with that bath but Meireles not so much haha.
    I don't really care where we stay and how nice (or not) it is, I just hope the team does really well because we desperately need something to cheer us up back home…
    Forca Portugalllllll!!!