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April 5th, 2012

EURO 2012: An Accommodations Overview, Spain NT

Image: JANEK SKARZYNSKI/AFP/Getty Images.

This is the Mistral Sport hotel in Gniewino, approximatly 50 km from the Polish city of Gdansk. Can you guess who might be using it as their base camp for EURO 2012, Kickettes?

What do you mean, no? Clues, people! They’ve left clues!

The Restaurant

Image: JANEK SKARZYNSKI/AFP/Getty Images.

Ok, well now we’ve got over the initial excitement (which is clearly shared by the staff of the hotel, if the ornaments they’ve left lying around are any indication), we can see this all looks rather nice. The dining area contains none of the wicker or dead animals that Greece are going to have to cope with and the seating looks super comfy for delicate Spanish behinds.

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The Recreation Room

Image: JANEK SKARZYNSKI/AFP/Getty Images.

Nice and modern, but we wonder whether these recreation facilities are going to be up to scratch. Have the management team submitted a rider? Is the donut machine just out of shot?

It’s very important the players don’t get bored and start cutting and/or dyeing each others hair, so these questions need to be answered before we can even consider the prospect of breaking in.

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The Training Ground

Image: JANEK SKARZYNSKI/AFP/Getty Images.

Oh wow, really? At the training facility?

Iker Casillas and The Ramos™ will feel right at home. But what kind of impact this will have on the psyches of the more sensitive players remains to be seen.

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The Hotel Guest Rooms

Image: JANEK SKARZYNSKI/AFP/Getty Images.

Pique: “I’m not coming in unless you promise.”

Sergio: “I promise. I’ve looked in the closets and everything.”

Pique: “Under the bed, godammit! Check under the bed, are you crazy? ”

[Sound of furious rummaging emanates from the room...]

Sergio [muffled]: “Nope. Nothing under the bed but some dust bunnies and, ooh! A false blonde beard! Guti must have stopped by.”

Pique: “Ok, if you’re sure and you definitely promise, I’m coming in.”

[Sound of cautious footsteps and a door closing...]

Pique: “What the hell are you wearing? You can’t put that on your face, it’s unhygienic… OHMIGOD, THEY’RE ON THE BALCONY!!! BIG BLACK BULLS ON THE BALCONY!!!! SERGIO, YOU FOOOOOO…….”

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And there endeth the Spanish NT’s hopes of retaining their EURO 2008 honours. Maybe.

Related: EURO 2012 Accommodations Overview: France
Related: EURO 2012 Accommodations Overview: Portugal