June 22nd, 2012
Euro 2012 Quarterfinal Preview: Mouthing Off
In order for this match up to put its money where its mouth is, you’ll need to visually prey on the weak, naive and pouty. Images: AP Photo/Thanassis Stavrakis.
The luxury of the group stages is over and last night, over nachos and peach schnapps, we watched Portugal engage in a war of attrition against the Czech Republic’s goal.
It was a bit of a turgid affair, Kickettes, but eventually, Crisps and his slicked back style broke through the barricades and scored the only goal of the game, leading to much merriment and falling over. From us, not them.
With a trio of matches and the semifinals on the line this weekend, try not to worry too much. Your teams are going to be just fine.
Here’s why: there’s bound to be an abundance of bitchfacing ‘ballers appearing on telly screens near you for the next 72 hours straight. Those pics, we’ll save for next week’s recap. But in the meantime, here’s how you can make the most out of the tournament’s remaining quarterfinal matches.
Do you believe in instant attraction, soldier girls (and boys)? Thanks to Kyriakos Papadopoulos – better known as “Cougar Bait” around our HQ – we do now.
Big Papa (give the nickname time, you’ll learn to love it eventually) faces some stiff (hee!) competition from Germany’s Thomas Muller and his teammates, though. Especially when Muller does that sad dog face (see above) that gives us the flutter-butters.
But also, yes: his forehead is in hormonal disarray and his hair is tragic, indeed.
Everyone loves an underdog, but would the universe really allow puppy Thomas to be sad?
Images: FRANCK FIFE/AFP/GettyImages.
Saturday, June 23: Spain vs France
France’s Florent Malouda (at left) is more of lips pursed lad who keeps us on our toes by throwing in some serious side eye snarl or imaginary dimples from time to time.
On the other hand, it’s pret-ty slim pickings in terms of adjectives to describe Victor Valdes’ pecker. Luckily for Spanish fans, this keeper is the hottest non-hair-having man around.
Senors y senoritas, our advice is to hold onto that, keep it close to your heart and loins and you will thusly be rewarded.
Images: AP Photo/Gregorio Borgia.
Sunday, June 24: England vs Italy
Which is why we’re pining for Xabi’s step brother from another multi-culti mother, Morgan De Sanctis, to start on the field for Italy instead.
However. Even if that does not happen, Steven Gerrard’s groin has superpowers when functioning to its fullest potential. Since all signs point to it being sorted in time, England fans, we think you can safely rest assured that Stevie’s goods & guys will get this job done.
Good luck to everyone and we look forward to drunk tweeting with y’all laterz!