June 22nd, 2012

Euro 2012 Quarterfinal Preview: Mouthing Off

In order for this match up to put its money where its mouth is, you’ll need to visually prey on the weak, naive and pouty. Images: AP Photo/Thanassis Stavrakis.

The luxury of the group stages is over and last night, over nachos and peach schnapps, we watched Portugal engage in a war of attrition against the Czech Republic’s goal.

It was a bit of a turgid affair, Kickettes, but eventually, Crisps and his slicked back style broke through the barricades and scored the only goal of the game, leading to much merriment and falling over. From us, not them.

With a trio of matches and the semifinals on the line this weekend, try not to worry too much. Your teams are going to be just fine.

Here’s why: there’s bound to be an abundance of bitchfacing ‘ballers appearing on telly screens near you for the next 72 hours straight. Those pics, we’ll save for next week’s recap. But in the meantime, here’s how you can make the most out of the tournament’s remaining quarterfinal matches.

Friday, 22 June: Germany vs Greece

Do you believe in instant attraction, soldier girls (and boys)? Thanks to Kyriakos Papadopoulos – better known as “Cougar Bait” around our HQ – we do now.

Big Papa (give the nickname time, you’ll learn to love it eventually) faces some stiff (hee!) competition from Germany’s Thomas Muller and his teammates, though. Especially when Muller does that sad dog face (see above) that gives us the flutter-butters.

But also, yes: his forehead is in hormonal disarray and his hair is tragic, indeed.

Everyone loves an underdog, but would the universe really allow puppy Thomas to be sad?

Images: FRANCK FIFE/AFP/GettyImages.

Saturday, June 23: Spain vs France

France’s Florent Malouda (at left) is more of lips pursed lad who keeps us on our toes by throwing in some serious side eye snarl or imaginary dimples from time to time.

On the other hand, it’s pret-ty slim pickings in terms of adjectives to describe Victor Valdes’ pecker. Luckily for Spanish fans, this keeper is the hottest non-hair-having man around.

Senors y senoritas, our advice is to hold onto that, keep it close to your heart and loins and you will thusly be rewarded.

Images: AP Photo/Gregorio Borgia.

Sunday, June 24: England vs Italy

We’re feeling particularly nervy about Sunday’s clash, mainly because if Daniele De Rossi’s naked body gets a run out, it’ll be game over for our sobriety.

Which is why we’re pining for Xabi’s step brother from another multi-culti mother, Morgan De Sanctis, to start on the field for Italy instead.

However. Even if that does not happen, Steven Gerrard’s groin has superpowers when functioning to its fullest potential. Since all signs point to it being sorted in time, England fans, we think you can safely rest assured that Stevie’s goods & guys will get this job done.

Good luck to everyone and we look forward to drunk tweeting with y’all laterz!

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15 Responses to “Euro 2012 Quarterfinal Preview: Mouthing Off”

  1. Renee says:

    girls! check out my blog > im sure you r gonna love it cuz its full oh hot footballers :) http://fussballoutkast.tumblr.com/

  2. Kristina says:

    I watched the Germany vs Greece game during the drunken madness that is Midsummers eve in Sweden. And all I can remember from that game was that Germany won and Mario didn't come on in until later.

    Watched Spain beat France with a serious hangover. I almost fell asleep. I hope the Spanish boys are saving themselves for a dazzling performance against Portugal and the finals. Kick Pepe out big time!

  3. Usually I don’t read post on blogs, but I would like to say that this write-up very forced me to check out and do so! Your writing style has been surprised me. Thanks, very great post.

  4. JenC says:

    Mueller you cutie you…

  5. blog daily says:

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  6. Jayy says:

    OMFG, Koscielny and his sexy eyebrow raise!

  7. jen says:


    • jen says:

      also, i just saw DDR's bleeding heart tattoo on his stomach.. seems to represent him perfectly. :::swoon:::

  8. lydia says:

    After Friday's match, I expect major topless pics from the Germans. Looking at you Mesut….

  9. IrishBlue says:

    I can't help finding Muller just so adorable, such a cutie.

  10. Miss XOXO says:




  12. April says:

    "adjectives to describe Victor Valdes’ pecker"

    I now I am supposed to be reading this one way, but I just keep reading it the other way.