March 23rd, 2010

Ex-WAGs Club: Who Stays vs. Who Goes

If a WAG becomes an ex-WAG, when should they cease to exist from our daily news stream of gossip and back chat?

It’s a curiously complex question that has befuddled us intermittently since we took the Kickette oath to supply you with every juicy morsel of ‘baller/WAG gossip we happened to trip over. (Of course, there are only so many spare hours in the day, bearing in mind all of the drinking, shouting, falling down and occasional contributions to day jobs that we are obliged to undertake.)

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, yes. WAG Relevancy. It doesn’t just end overnight like the Biore strip you left glued to your nose before accidentally passing out under the bed, you know; the legacy a WAG leaves behind is often meaningful and unique.

And let’s keep in mind just how highly-coveted entry is into the WAGs club. Very few gain admission and of those that do, 90% of them make a hasty exit anyways. Meanwhile, Jamelia is the only gal who has come-gone-come again-left for good. Space is at a premium in this prestigious club and therefore, it would be argued, we have to be severe and cut the ladies who are no longer bona-fide WAGs.

We have shortlisted five former wives and girlfriends who we see as prime candidates for velvet rope refusal. For evah. Please read and absorb the following synopses and then tell us your thoughts. Voting for reasons of girlcrush is perfectly acceptable. Snarking about the Rives’ cat coat is not.

NOTE: Whatsherface is excluded from the short list. Period. Yes, we know. You made yourselves perfectly clear in the Kickette Readers Poll. But in terms of entertainment, she is utterly invaluable and we must safeguard her. Anyone who is capable of producing this, this & this is a potential goldmine for the future. You know it.

Noemie Lenoir (formerly Mrs. Claude Makelele, 2005-2009)
We have never made a secret of our feelings for Noems. And judging from the flood of supportive reader comments post-divorce announcement, you all have Noemie-nurturing spots, too.

Beautiful, poised & capable of looking stun-tastic in even the most challenging of shades, this one should really annoy. We figure there’s as much chance of you guys giving Noemie the boot as Chezza welcoming Ash back with offers of an open marriage, but we are obliged to ask.

Cheryl Cole (soon-to-be?-formerly Mrs. Ashley Cole, 2004-20??)
Technically still a WAG, but we might as well get this out of the way as we don’t see the above reunion on the cards anytime soon.

Cheryl is a relative rarity in the WAG world that she is capable of generating her own headlines without the assistance of a pet pillock partner. But while the rest of the world seems to have fallen under her spell, we remain vaguely skeptical. Bless. But seriously, do we have time in our lives for her pop career, or indeed her involuntarily acquired (and hotly debated) position as a feminist icon? Then again, she does have her moments; she really is so gosh durn pretty it hurts.

Elen Rives (former fiancee of Frank Lampard, 2002-2009)
Remember when Chandler feared he was destined to become crazy-snake man in “Friends?” We honestly fear that Elen may be travelling down the same path. Only, with cats.

In the months following her split with Frank, Elen had a slightly embarrassing public rant, declared herself poverty stricken and went to work at Tesco. In years to come, we expect to find her roaming the streets of Kensington, shouting obscenities at passers-by wearing nothing but a budget basque and this. (We never said we couldn’t mention it.)

Eva Gonzalez (former girlfriend of Iker Casillas, 2006-2008)
The stunningly gorge Eva has most certainly been on the receiving end of our caustic wit on occasion. And we have sensed in the past that you are not hugely taken with her either.

Whether this is simply because of her dalliance with Iker, (which, to be fair, is never going to make her the most popular girl on the block) or rather that she is emotionally mature enough to sustain an on/off relationship with a man this delicious, we don’t know. We don’t have to explain ourselves to anyone. Especially her. M’kay?

Gemma Atkinson (former fiancee of Marcus Bent; former friend-with-benefits of Cristiano Ronaldo)
Yep. She has breasts. She’s multi-skilled. She dates footballers almost as frequently as Danielle Lloyd.

Admittedly we’re not as annoyed by this as we could be, but suspect that this is more to do with the fact that Ms Atkinson is already circling the Kickette drain rather than any good nature on our part.

—–
Over to you, discerning readers: who do you think should get the media blackout, and who deserves a little longer in the famous-footy-player associative limelight?

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53 Responses to “Ex-WAGs Club: Who Stays vs. Who Goes”

  1. levine says:

    hhaha LOL! for me cherryl so beautiful why asshle did it?

  2. Liz says:

    If the ex-wags in question arent yet officially ex’s and its the midst of the split then they ought to be given the coverage.i.e Cheyrl, until the divorce is settled then as much as Im not her biggest fan she ought to be discussed. After that then leave them to their own devices :P Only ex’s really to have continual coverage should be those that are still linked to the ballers by children, as theyll always be in the frame. The likes of Gemma need to disappear :) well, untill she bags yet *another* footballer. :D

  3. Nandia says:

    I say yes too Noemie, Eva (AND Cayetano).
    The rest can go please.

  4. Molly says:

    Well first and formost I think we are stuck with Cheryl whether we like it or not. Girly isn't going anywhere lol.

    Nioemi yes because she is beautiful.

    I would say no to Elen but since Lampsy is second in line to footballers I would like to marry one day I think I have to be nice to the mother of his beautiful daughters lol. So I guess she can stick around. Plus shes kind of fun with her crazy outfit choices lol. She makes me laugh!! :)

    Eva- Iker is first in line of footballers I would like to marry one day, so sadly I have to say no lol. :)

    Gemma- she can go because I don't really care about her.

    P.S. I'm joking about marrying Iker or Frank lol I know I don't stand a chance. :)

  5. Babz says:

    I want a bullfighter too… God he’s hot! Iker who? :)

  6. Aud says:

    Don't get rid of Cheryl please. I have to admit, i am having a massive girl crush. And anyway, she's still a wag, it'll be a few months before they officially divorce.

  7. kaya says:

    How about only the cute ones?

    That leaves… Noemie

  8. sounderslove says:

    This from one of the links regarding Iker:
    “Side note: Okay, so he can’t grow a proper beard. Don’t judge.”

    It’s your fault, Kickette.

  9. Lucy says:

    Noemie, Elen, and Cheryl: yes. The rest…..oh, sorry, fell asleep.

  10. FootballerChick43 - "Mrs.Ballack" says:

    I think its a case-by-case basis. Memorable ones – Elen, Cheryl, Eva, etc – should stay. The rest I don’t think anyone will remember, so…

  11. tammyv says:

    Elen has been confirmed for Marco’s Kitchen Burnout… she has to stay now

  12. truly_thata says:

    I miss Eva Gonzalez….I don’t like the new one :(

  13. footbalista says:

    cherylgo

  14. Kristen (Mrs. Sebastian Rudy) says:

    Elen and Cheryl stay!! Rest can go. I mean, you have to love Elen and the Hello Kitty coat!

  15. Leila says:

    Much like Claude Makelele, we will never do better than Noemie and for that reason I vote that she absolutely stays.

  16. Eva says:

    Here’s my opinion (if anybody even cares :D ):

    But I do have ambivalent feelings about some of the girls…

    - Noemi… will stay!!! I cannot handle a Kickette/Noemi break up. *getting stressed just thinking about it*

    -Chazza… ambivalent feeling girl #1. She has her own thing going on and is moving away from the footie scene…and yet I can’t let her go completely. *sits and ponders*

    -Elen… ambivalent feeling girl #2. I never liked her that much…but her statements and outfits have been pure comedy (much like Andrei Arshavin’s Q&As on his website). *sits and ponders about this one too*

    -Eva (not talking about myself) does not provoke any feelings in me whatsoever & she has moved on. Simply put: Excess baggage. She can go.

    - Gemma… *silence*…is this a joke? This is not Nuts magazine!!! Personal message to Gemma: please exit.

    Maybe we should keep an eye on Cheryl & Elen? Just in case…

    • MrsNesta says:

      We do care :)

      Well put and agree with you, we need to keep an eye on Elen as wouldn’t want to miss out on her doing one better than the creepy cat coat (could not stop staring at it *shivers*)

  17. sharan says:

    whatsherface has got to stay. she is a LEGEND!!!!! everyone else can go.

  18. Luna says:

    Elen to stay…please..and yeah I agree womens with kids should stay rest can go

  19. MUfcMarie says:

    Please keep Noemie! Elen’s got the girls too so I guess she can stay too. And maybe keep Cheryl around until she gets a new man? I’m not ready to say goodbye yet…

  20. Rosey says:

    Whatsherface needs to GO!!!! These girls actually dated or were married to footballers. She was a live-in-hooker who got tossed away as fast as she tossed her clothes off the night they met and she found out who he was. Stop giving her any press/attention. PLEASE!!!!!!

    Gemma should go too. She is just stupid and annoying. Elen Rives too.

    Iker’s ex dates some hot ass model and bull fighter.

  21. Two criteria:

    1. Is she still dating a baller, hovering around ballers, or mothering the child of a baller? If so, she stays.

    2. If she isn’t doing any of (1), then as long as she isn’t boring or annoying, and is doing enough to stay interesting or amusing, I don’t mind periodic updates.

  22. Lana says:

    Cheryl and Noemie to stay, the rest can go away

  23. NinyaC says:

    My goodness, Iker looks hot in that pic and what a picture perfect that is.

  24. Amy says:

    Noemie = stay

    Cheryl = stay

    Elen = go

    Eva = stay

    Gemma = go

  25. tammyv says:

    Elen and Noemie stay, everyone else gone…

    I am actually really interested to see Elen's documentary about poverty and sex trafficing in South Africa ahead of the world cup. Her and few other (ex)WAGs went to SA to do a doc on it that will air on one of the BBCs soon.

  26. KW says:

    I really don't mean this in a bitchy way, but I'm getting tired of everyone raving about Cheryl Tweedycole, she's an average looking girl with an average singing voice, what's so special about her?

    • Ella says:

      While I do think she's beautiful, you're spot on about the average singing voice, and in the few interviews I've read of hers, I couldn't quite grasp why she's so beloved in the UK…..

    • tammyv says:

      preach.. as an American, I am totally lost on her appeal

  27. MissChelsea says:

    Should go: Gemma, Whatsherface and WHATSHERFACE =) (seriously)

  28. Yasmin says:

    If they do something related to football/their ex that is crazy enough to be mentioned, it should be. The ones with kids (although usually they stay) should still be here, especially if their kids will be future ballers.

  29. Ella says:

    As long as we still get Whats-her-face updates, the rest should GO. Once they're no longer with a baller, they should no longer be with US.

  30. laura-8 says:

    Elen to stay – i love her and her Craziness!!!!!

  31. liv says:

    The ex WAGS with the kids should stay, Don't denied us; we deserve to no what they and their off-spring are up to!

  32. Anna says:

    Elen has to stay around, because she is just priceless. And Noemie, because she is beyond gorgeous. Plus, both have the kiddies. About the rest… their WAG days are over.

  33. Merel says:

    You really start to wonder how Makalele could even move on from Noemi. Hello, VS model and all? How could that be beaten?

  34. Senorita Iniesta says:

    Cut whoever you want … as long as Whatsherface 's still in, I'm in.

    (Personally, I'm an Eva-supporter. But I think if she really is dating a bullfighter by now, her days here are sadly over …)

  35. Thea says:

    I would strike Eva off the list for no other reason that she now dates Cayetano Rivera – a bull fighter and a serious upgrade! She's not really looked back either… her WAG days are long gone!

    • LizB (Mrs. Vucinic) says:

      wow… I just looked up Cayetano Rivera and he's definitely an upgrade. Major upgrade.

      Not that I was ever that big of a fan of Iker to begin with, he's a bit blah.

      • senora ramos says:

        OMG! OMG! OMG!
        i love me some iker, but she pulled a maaaaaajor upgrade with that sexiness! so she is def a nonwag and should be off the list.