March 23rd, 2010
Ex-WAGs Club: Who Stays vs. Who Goes
If a WAG becomes an ex-WAG, when should they cease to exist from our daily news stream of gossip and back chat?
It’s a curiously complex question that has befuddled us intermittently since we took the Kickette oath to supply you with every juicy morsel of ‘baller/WAG gossip we happened to trip over. (Of course, there are only so many spare hours in the day, bearing in mind all of the drinking, shouting, falling down and occasional contributions to day jobs that we are obliged to undertake.)
Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, yes. WAG Relevancy. It doesn’t just end overnight like the Biore strip you left glued to your nose before accidentally passing out under the bed, you know; the legacy a WAG leaves behind is often meaningful and unique.
And let’s keep in mind just how highly-coveted entry is into the WAGs club. Very few gain admission and of those that do, 90% of them make a hasty exit anyways. Meanwhile, Jamelia is the only gal who has come-gone-come again-left for good. Space is at a premium in this prestigious club and therefore, it would be argued, we have to be severe and cut the ladies who are no longer bona-fide WAGs.
We have shortlisted five former wives and girlfriends who we see as prime candidates for velvet rope refusal. For evah. Please read and absorb the following synopses and then tell us your thoughts. Voting for reasons of girlcrush is perfectly acceptable. Snarking about the Rives’ cat coat is not.
NOTE: Whatsherface is excluded from the short list. Period. Yes, we know. You made yourselves perfectly clear in the Kickette Readers Poll. But in terms of entertainment, she is utterly invaluable and we must safeguard her. Anyone who is capable of producing this, this & this is a potential goldmine for the future. You know it.
Noemie Lenoir (formerly Mrs. Claude Makelele, 2005-2009)
We have never made a secret of our feelings for Noems. And judging from the flood of supportive reader comments post-divorce announcement, you all have Noemie-nurturing spots, too.
Beautiful, poised & capable of looking stun-tastic in even the most challenging of shades, this one should really annoy. We figure there’s as much chance of you guys giving Noemie the boot as Chezza welcoming Ash back with offers of an open marriage, but we are obliged to ask.
Cheryl is a relative rarity in the WAG world that she is capable of generating her own headlines without the assistance of a pet pillock partner. But while the rest of the world seems to have fallen under her spell, we remain vaguely skeptical. Bless. But seriously, do we have time in our lives for her pop career, or indeed her involuntarily acquired (and hotly debated) position as a feminist icon? Then again, she does have her moments; she really is so gosh durn pretty it hurts.
Elen Rives (former fiancee of Frank Lampard, 2002-2009)
Remember when Chandler feared he was destined to become crazy-snake man in “Friends?” We honestly fear that Elen may be travelling down the same path. Only, with cats.
In the months following her split with Frank, Elen had a slightly embarrassing public rant, declared herself poverty stricken and went to work at Tesco. In years to come, we expect to find her roaming the streets of Kensington, shouting obscenities at passers-by wearing nothing but a budget basque and this. (We never said we couldn’t mention it.)
Eva Gonzalez (former girlfriend of Iker Casillas, 2006-2008)
The stunningly gorge Eva has most certainly been on the receiving end of our caustic wit on occasion. And we have sensed in the past that you are not hugely taken with her either.
Whether this is simply because of her dalliance with Iker, (which, to be fair, is never going to make her the most popular girl on the block) or rather that she is emotionally mature enough to sustain an on/off relationship with a man this delicious, we don’t know. We don’t have to explain ourselves to anyone. Especially her. M’kay?
Gemma Atkinson (former fiancee of Marcus Bent; former friend-with-benefits of Cristiano Ronaldo)
Yep. She has breasts. She’s multi-skilled. She dates footballers almost as frequently as Danielle Lloyd.
Admittedly we’re not as annoyed by this as we could be, but suspect that this is more to do with the fact that Ms Atkinson is already circling the Kickette drain rather than any good nature on our part.
Over to you, discerning readers: who do you think should get the media blackout, and who deserves a little longer in the famous-footy-player associative limelight?