May 4th, 2012
‘Baller Body Language Decoded: Federico Macheda
We’d like you to use your imaginations for this one, Kickettes.
You’re walking home from school/work/a bar when you see this man squatting on a conveniently located grass verge. In most cases you’d be right to assume that he’s a crazed loon bag in a bad tracksuit (well, it’s not helping, is it?), but actually, he’s a highly paid young footballer type, just waiting to sweep you up and usher you towards the wardrobe you deserve.
How do you tell the difference and avoid making a heinous mistake that could see your reputation ruined? Don’t worry. We got this.
1. Open leg stance/squat. Not many regular guys have the thigh strength to hold this pose for long. Wait behind a tree for five minutes. If he collapses in agony, run back to your school/job/drink. Otherwise, legs open, pelvis facing forward is a professional playboy’s way of drawing our attention to his, ahem, assets. And you should do him the courtesy of looking.
2. The eyebrow lift. When a ‘baller sees something he’s into, he’ll show it in his face and forehead wrinkles. If he doesn’t have the relevant creases, he’s not used to opening upsetting credit card bills and should be avoided at all costs.
3. The half smile, half smirk. It’s a come hither, seduction technique for footballers strictly on the prowl. Or a regular guy’s response to the question “how does my butt look in this skirt?” See above for response to the latter.
4. The hands-closed clasp. This is a man who doesn’t want to reveal too much of himself too soon. Or he’s trying to get a wedding ring off without you noticing. As you know, we’re not ones for encouraging immoral behaviour, so you’re on your own if you see this kind of in-glove activity going on.
Armed with this kind of insight, you should never accidentally score a date with the wrong type of guy, dear readers.
Who the “wrong type” of guys are is entirely up to you. Just don’t forget to email us the nekkid pics of him.