Disturbing and insanely cute in equal measure, this vid of a select gang of Barca players unleashing their inner rally drivers is a must watch.

And no, before you ask, Cesc does not attempt to pull a ‘donut’.

Please take a moment to doff your metaphorical cap to Celia Hodkin, Kickettes. Celia has been a Manchester City fan since 1933, and achieved a life’s ambition last weekend when she was invited to be the mascot at her club’s game vs. Fulham.

As is only right for a woman of such commitment and stature, Celia was afforded VIP treatment on game day, taking in the sights and sounds of the tunnel, the changing room (!) and getting a ball (l) signed by all the players. Her daughter Cath Stone told mcfc.co.uk “My Mum had an absolutely wonderful day, she said she felt that everyone at City made her feel as important as the Queen!”

As yet, we’ve no indication as to whether Celia managed a crafty pinch of anyone’s behind. But we figure she probably did. She’s a Kickette, after all.

Good heavens. We hope you warmed your hands first, Sami! Images via gq-magazin.de.

Avert your eyes, Kickettes! We haven’t revealed this much flesh on the site in one go since Tim Howard was kind enough to get his nekkid on for ESPN, and our server collapsed under the weight of our rampant lust.

But despite appearances, it’s all above board and not remotely under-the-counter in a brown paper bag. In fact, it’s Sami Khedira and Lena Gercke’s recent GQ shoot, which appears in the latest edition of the German version of the mag. This is actually one of the less steamy shots – others include ‘in bed with Sami and Lena’ plus a very fetching one of Sami in a smart dressing gown. Which we know you’ve been desperate to see.

A note of caution though. Last time we got all over excited about a couple getting hot ‘n heavy on a magazine cover, they had a bubba and then broke up. We sure hope that doesn’t happen again.

We’d feel awful guilty…

The Kickette round commences at 38.29. But really, you should watch the whole show. You’re clearly not busy, because you’re here.

If our appearance on ESPN’s Talk Of The Terrace didn’t give you a hint that boys have no clue what a woman wants from a footballer, our latest foray into TV territory certainly should.

We are honoured to report that ‘Talking Balls’, a web based footie show presented by the hilarious Chris Cohen, will now be featuring a ‘Kickette Round’, during which celebrity guests will apparently be confounded by our love of Cesc Fabregas, confused about manhose and totally nonplussed about the contents of the Finest 5.

We see this as our opportunity to educate, but it won’t be easy. If you need a hint about about how much work is required, watch the part where Antony Costa (formerly of Blue) and comedian Jim Smallman consider who might be included in one of our infamous polls, only to come up with…David James.

It’s gonna be a long hard struggle, peeps.

Image: REUTERS/Sergio Moraes.

With our penchant for crap hats and whips, you might say we’re the ‘Indiana Jones’s’ of the fluffy football world.

With this in mind, we ventured into the depths of the Copa Libertadores last night and found this photo of Wagner (r) being tackled/molested (depending on how loose your definition on on-pitch discipline is) by the magnificently named Hugo Nervo.

We hope you’re grateful. You have no idea what we had to crawl through to get this.

No cheating, Kickettes!

Image: Sport.es.

Because our inboxes are blazing with “friendly” reminder e-mails concerning all the footy birthdays we failed to mention, we’ve been peer pressured into doing it now.

Happy Birthday to them:

- Not only do Gerard Pique & Shakira share saliva, they also share the same birth date (albeit 10 years apart – he turned 25 while she reached 35 on 2 February). They celebrated their special day at a joint go-kart party surrounded by friends like Cesc Fabregas, Carles Puyol and his new lady, Giselle Lacouture.

- Following in the admirable tradition of stretching out the extravaganza as long as poss, Sara Carbonero celebrated her 28th birthday for three days straight. It started off with a dose of Facebook birthday love from her beau, who also picked her up from work that day. Then on Saturday, Miss Carbonero hit Madrid’s city centre shops and eateries with her closest girlfriends. She and Iker finally reunited on Sunday and, after cleverly avoiding the photogs, spent some private time together. Presumably in both of their birthday suits.

- As far as we know, Cristiano Ronaldo had a quiet night in with family for his 27th birthday last Sunday (5 February). While his other half was hosting an event in Las Vegas, CR7 munched on delicious cake. Perhaps he’ll be in for a wild nighttime treat upon her return?

Bonus birthday round:

- Neymar was showered with a delightful concoction of shampoo, chocolate syrup and flour by his best mates in celebration of his 100th career goal + 20th birthday this past weekend. How his trousers managed to remain on through both ordeals is up for discussion, Kickettes.

We don’t know exactly when the new bubba was supposedly born – or what his height, weight and footballing potential was at birth – but as soon as we find out, we’ll pass the news on to you all.

But first, back to the Vidić boys. To know Nemanja (as well as his woman) is to love him, especially when you see how cute he (and she) is with sons Luka and Stefan.

It’s ovary-injuring, truly. Yet, we sincerely look forward to witnessing many more of these moments. What can we say, we’re suckers for pain.

Congratulations to the fam!

Cheers to @IvaNedic for the tip.

The Swiss Super League, you say? Well, yes. This could certainly persuade us to spend more time with our friends in Switzerland. Image: REUTERS/Romina Amato.

Laurent Koscielny is old enough to be married. This is his wife, Claire. Image: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images.

The Laureaus World Sport Awards took place at the Central Hall in Westminster last night. As is usual with these events, a smattering of footballers turned up to watch Bobby Charlton pick up a Lifetime Achievement Award and surely what must be the most shocking event of the year so far: Leo Messi not winning an award he has been nominated for.

Indeed, it was Novak Djokovic who picked up the World Sportsman of the Year gong, which must be a relief to Leo’s cabinet maker, if no one else.

Anyway, enough of the boring stuff. How did our ‘baller boys represent?

Image: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images.

Juan Mata is a secret agent. When he’s not harassing opposition goalkeepers with awesome goalscoring prowess, he’s jumping out of planes, being chased around Eastern Europe in a posh car and then arriving for a ‘posh do’ with not a hair out of place.

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Image: Tim Whitby/Getty Images.

Andre Villa Boas, on the other hand, was dropped off to the event by his mum. She dressed him, too.

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Image: Tom Dulat/Getty Images.

Alan Shearer may be a football legend, but is absolutely no good at standing still, on his own, having his picture taken. Awkward!

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Image: Ian Walton/Getty Images.

Arsene Wenger’s plans for global domination extend further than the football pitch. We see you Arsene!

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Did we miss anything? No, thought not. Other than Cheryl Vieira’s fabu dress, we meant to say.