February 15th, 2011

Fernando Torres: Boutique Bounty

(Getty Images/Daylife)

Don’t you hate it when you lust after an outfit for months and months, fantasise about how good you’ll look in it and what magical powers you’ll have at your disposal while you’re wearing it? For a while you may even be thwarted in your attempts to acquire this delectable outfit; maybe it’s out of stock, maybe the boutique won’t sell it to you, maybe it’s just the wrong time of the season. It’s worse then, because you just know that outfit wants to come with you. You can feel it in your bones.

You need each other.

But you’re patient, and eventually the time comes when you can stroll up to the boutique in question, credit card twitching in your sweaty hands. It’s expensive – good heavens, it’s expensive – and you already have a few that are similar (left), but you’ve wanted it for so long. You just have to have it. (Getty Images/Zimbio)

Suddenly, miraculously, it’s yours. You take it home, give it pride of place among your other prized ensembles, stare at it in wonderment for a while, show all of your friends. Everyone is excited.

But something’s wrong. You slip it on, you walk around in it for a while, but it’s just not working. You wear it a few times, try it in different combinations, with different accessories in the hope that everything will slip into place but deep down you know the horrible truth.

You’ve just spent a fortune on a garment that simply doesn’t fit into your wardrobe. Dammit.


**We are a jestful and snarky site, but not ill-mannered, so please take with a grain of salt and a shot of tequila.**

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68 Responses to “Fernando Torres: Boutique Bounty”

  1. chelsealltheway! says:

    Dislike :p
    fernando totally fits in chelsea :)

  2. Stacey says:

    This is just perfect. Well done, Kickette, I couldn't have put it any better myself. Just perfect.

  3. Kleon says:

    Poor Nando, he's the new boy in the team XD. Anyway, he look better in red, but blue is ok too ;)

  4. Crackers says:

    The Freckled One looks strange in blue, but I honestly want him to find his feet again- I hope, for his sake, that he'll achieve what he wants in his career.

    He's far too talented to be written off just yet, even if he was a doofus to leave Liverpool. Also, he's only 26 (27 next month)- strikers might take a lot of strain on the body, but he can't be over the hill so young!

  5. xbabyshakesx says:

    Love Nando
    But i think I'll take the shot of Tequila this time around ;]

  6. Jen says:

    I love this analogy!! Brilliant!! I was devastated when Fernando left, but now we have shinier, fully working new toys, and we are all happy, except for dear Nando, who really doesn't look happy at all. Oh well, I can still cheer for him in a Spanish jersey!

  7. sassyone says:

    Hum…I wonder what he'll look like in the vertical stripes of Sunderland next season…..

  8. fiddler says:

    A perfectly written, brilliant piece of literature! Good job, Kickette! … and LOOOOOL

  9. lavieestbelle says:

    I'm a Liverpool fan but I'm also a football journalist so obviously I've spent a lot of time thinking about Fernando Torres, and although he's an amazing player, taking into account his injuries he's never going to be the same player that scored so many goals in his first season at Liverpool again. Form is dependent on so many things and his main asset was pace, which he's definitely lost since his injuries and that's not something you can get back. The other point to remember is Torres actually performs better as a lone striker, as does Drogba (and Anelka actually even though he's been forced into playing out wide). People cite the Villa/Torres partnership to argue otherwise but statistics show that only David Villa benefits from that – Torres doesn't perform as well as he does when playing through the middle. So to hope that Torres is going to become the player that he was a couple of seasons ago is futile – neither his own form nor the formation of the team he's moved to is conducive to that happening. Although I'm a bit pissed off at the fact that he moved to Chelsea of all teams (I'm a Liverpool fan not a Fernando Torres fan), as a football fan above all it's sad that he doesn't look like he'll ever recapture the form that pretty much made him the best striker in the world.

  10. GinnyTorres says:

    I’m so torn on this Fern business. I know Liverpool doesn’t really have a chance of finishing in the top 4 this season but it’s like I need them with every part of my being to finish above Chelsea,no matter what place. It’s partly a revitalised hatred of them for taking him away from us, but also the need to exact vengeance on Fern for what he did.But then I just have to look at that miserable, freckled face of his and feel so bad for that wish. It’s like this huge separation of love for a team and a player along with a great heap of feeling like a traitor on both sides.Why did he do this to us?

  11. Poppy says:

    Great Kickette!! Thank you :)
    Nando reminds me of a dress, that i bought for a lot of money, cause i thought it would make a man from my class fell in love with me (sorry for my terrible english). At the end he dates the greatest bitch and i had no money and no man:( But Fernando will get better i hope so much for him cause i like him:)!!

  12. Shauna says:

    Oh torres sometimes the grass isnt always greener on the other side instead its an ugly blue rut that you've got yourself into, Torres probably looks back now at where he was and realised its a lot greener than when he was there.

    Brilliant comparison kickette, definitely something i needed to see

  13. Brooke says:

    PERFECT METAPHOR. I feel like the shopkeeper who knew things weren't working out, but couldn't bear to sell the outfit that brought me so many happy moments. Even though lately, it was falling out of style, I was clutching onto it for dear life. Once I finally let go, I realized, life goes on! There are other, more wonderful outfits out there! I hope the old one brings happiness to somebody out there… but they certainly shouldn't hold their breath until next season.

  14. Ess-Jay says:

    I'm sorry… But he just doesn't look right in blue!

    He looked fantastic in the red. But the blue. It's a big fat NO from me! (And I'm not even that big a fan of him! Hah)

  15. PleaseBeJealous says:

    Sooo does anyone else think Nanders needs to do something with his hair again? I mean at least cut it…it looked good during the World Cup!

    …I do sorta miss the blonde though…

  16. madridista07 says:

    It truly pains my heart to see him fail at Chelsea. Its only a short time, I know, but I pray that he can get his goal scoring abilities back. I know the Liverpool fans say "No player is bigger than the club" but I also think that "the club doesn't define the player" Look at Cristiano, left Man Utd and he is still on top of his game at Real Madrid, he is an awesome player regardless of the shirt he wears.

    For some reason, seeing him frustrated during his last Chelsea match makes me think that perhaps the problem wasn't the club.. maybe he has a personal issue he is dealing with privately that can be affecting his mind. I don't know. I just want my old sweet Torres that made me fall in love with him, to the point where this Madrid/United girl would watch rival teams just to see him play.

    • *Maylea* says:

      I'm agree with you!!! :)

    • maryanne22 says:

      I think you are right on point. I think Real Madrid would be the perfect suit for him but his loyalty is to Atletico Madrid so obviously that would be out of the question. He did recently have a another baby and you never know he might actually be having going through post partum depression of his own, which is quite common for women but men can experience it as well. But let's not write him off, he will get his mojo back!

      • madridista07 says:

        Yeah, maybe adjusting to a new baby, or maybe his wife could be experiencing changes that could affect him too. After all Im sure that no matter how professional you are, when it comes to family, its not easy to just put it aside. I hope its not the case, but there is definitely something bothering him. Perhaps he wont ever go back to his form like someone said after all his injuries, but you know, they said the same about Ronaldo and look, he came back, won a world cup AND a ballon d'or. There is always hope! :)

        • stephanie87 says:

          He has 2 babies. His daughter is not yet 2 and his son is only 2 months old. It is very challenging to deal with that kind of stress. Even though he may be financially prepared to take care of his family sometimes you may not have been emotionally ready for it. Please don't take it as "Fernando does not want his childeren" because I am sure he does. But he has had one hell of a year. He missed the last of his season with liverpool due to his injuries and surgery before the world cup. He didn't have the best world cup and has had to deal with all the media scrutiny. On top of throwing a new baby into the mix….it's alot. But my hopes and prayers are with you Freckeled One!

    • Crackers says:

      I'm a Liverpool fan, but was a Fern fan before he came to Liverpool, and like you, it hurts me to see him like this- even if he is at another club now.

      He really came into his own as a player while he was at LFC, but I'd be devastated by the thought of the lost potential if he fails at Chelsea- he is not even 27 years old and has been at his new club for less than three weeks, I really don't want him to be written off at this stage. Like you, I hope that whatever problems are plaguing him, he can shake them off and be the player he really is.

  17. Alessandra says:

    good god, best thing to come back to after a long day at work.*-* THANKS, KICKETTE!<3

  18. naylovee says:

    Nando, why do you make it so hard for me to hate you?

    P.S.- I know you're with the blues now but red really did fit you well

  19. Zinny says:

    I remember being upset to the verge of tears but I like to think of Liverpool as that one black dress I have had in my closet for years, a classic that has always fit me perfectly and will never go out of style. So while others may venture out for the latest (sometimes ridiculous) trend, I will always stand by my reliable, but still stunning, black dress.

  20. FernandoForever says:

    Hahaha nice comparrison Kickette but eventually whoever bought that lovely outfit will find exactly the right combination of accessories and it WILL work!! It has to work! It will get used to your closet and how it operates, and will be amazing in the end :)

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  22. maryanne22 says:

    Oh Nando, please discover your form! We're all rooting for you and believe in you!! He was much improved in this game than against Liverpool I must say. I think once he scores his first goal….then he'll be scoring plenty!

  23. Tricia says:

    Good grief. No one wants to see Torres fail at Chelsea more than I but writing him off after three weeks is idiotic.

    • Shauna says:

      I wouldn't say its meant to mean torres is 'wrote off' i think the meaning behind it, is when you desire something so much(ie trophies he thought he would get better with chelsea) its not always crack up to be what you want when you get there. As a proud liverpool fan, i know torres just needs to find his feet, and he will like he did at liverpool but it'll take time. But time isnt what chelsea has this season to give torres what he so abruptly left liverpool for. So more importantly its a kick in the face for torres if chelsea dont qualify and i'm quite happy for it to happen. I want torres to be happy, but i want a little revenge first, if only liverpool could get 4th place, but i doubt that happening either…

      • stephanie87 says:

        Well I am truel heartbroken and devasted for Fernando Torres and I am praying that he finds his form because it will put a smile back on his face as well as my face. I have been following him since he was at Atletico so to say that I supported Liverpool before Fernando would be untrue. But the Reds did win me over and they still have a special place in my heart and I hate that Nando had to leave but sometimes things happen for a reason. I want Fernando's dreams to come true but I believe Liverpool can also taste success. There is a way for both parties to be happy. Maybe not this season though :)

  24. @mezz98 says:

    Forgot to add: what I love most about this post is the numerous ways it can be interpreted. I bow to the brilliance!

  25. @mezz98 says:

    This? So. Much. Win.

  26. Great way to put it Kickette! Blue is just not his color right now! Maybe he will grow into it.

  27. Juls says:

    Ouch Girls!!!, but soooo perfect! Imagine how 'Nando feels in his new suit of clothes that has robbed him of his former RED HOT scoring powers AND, now he and his Chelsea Blue Smurf Mates are neck and neck with Liverpool at places 5 and 6!!!! Kickette Girls, you are magical!

  28. Leya_S says:

    Kickette, I love you.
    That is all.

  29. C16 says:

    Brilliant…. Best analogy EVER!!!! lol
    You know Roman will make it work somehow…

  30. wanniemelon says:

    Meanwhile, the salesperson is laughing all the way to the bank. *chuckle*

    (Brilliant post Kickette!)

  31. IrishBlue says:

    Hmmm I think Nando's just like my nice dress that has decided to become a teeny tiny bit tight on me due to a very merry (and chocolatey) Christmas. I'll fit into it, I just need to put in a bit of effort to get things back to the way they should be…So Fer, I'll fit back into my dress, and you fit into my team, then we will both be happy, deal?

    Oh and I'd love to give you a guided tour of London to help you settle in. Or just trick you into getting on a plane to Ireland and hide you in my leprechaun-guarded underground cave where I could have you all to myself to listen to you telling me dirty, sexy things in a language I don't understand while styling your hair in strange ways for my own enjoyment…………..Oh no, I've said too much…..I'm a good girl, really, I am……..

  32. Cherry says:

    Absolutely perfect. Thank you.

  33. rubyqueen says:

    i never thought i would see the day that fernando torres was compared to a dress.???utterly genius idea kickette.:)

  34. Tanya says:

    I love the imagination but I think he’s adjusting to Chelsea life because in the last game he had a few shots now all he needs is a little more confidence and finishing.

  35. MH from NH says:

    I had more of an interior-design metaphor in mind: he's that really awesome, fabulous couch (that you'd love to cuddle up on) but he works better in that comfy red room than in the extravagant blue one where nothing quite fits.

  36. my cat is evil says:

    Hah this post is indeed brilliant.. and heartbreaking all the same. How conveniently put! All the painful and shocking phases just run before my eyes while reading it. I'm going to shut my computer, crawl back to my room and cry now if you don't mind (yeah, not really :) )

  37. ThatWelshOne says:

    I really hope he does well at Chelsea. Whilst I don't find him hot (don't shout guys and girls, its one less kickette to share him with!) I do think he's a good footballer and seems like a lovely guy. So c'mon Fernando, get your mojo back boyo!

  38. bri_saldana says:

    I'm starting to get really nervous for Fer. I was heartbroken when he left Liverpool but I've always loved and supported him. Now Chelsea are in serious danger of not making Champions League and this transfer is seeming all really futile. NOW the reds seem revitalized and Chelsea seems in a rut. Oh FER your styling consultant should be fired!

    • Deb Stimson says:

      I thought the same thing while watching the game. I don't know WHAT happened to Chelsea but their passing/crosses & ball control are HORRIBLE. (Maybe I've just been spoiled by La Liga?) Although it did get a bit better once Anelka was subbed out. All I could think about was that this was exactly what LP looked like pre-Daglish.

      Yes, Fernando maybe could have done a little better with the chances he had but he seems to do better with someone else up top with him. Even the commentators were saying that the coach should have left Fernando in when he put Drogba in. If nothing else the others have to give him options in the box.

      Frankie said before the Fulham game that they would have to win the remainder of their games if they stood any chance of getting into the Champions League next year. It's not looking too good for them now. :[

      • IheartSpain says:

        No that's not right. Frank said they need to win all matches to win the league. They definitely have a good shot at top 4, they're only a couple of points off. Let's think positive thoughts for Fernando!

    • Rossanera says:

      Karma's a b*tch.

  39. black widow says:

    perfectly and brilliantly said.

    the only thing i might add is that said boutique does not offer refunds or exchanges on sold merchandise, and even if it did, said merchandise is now considered out of date and has been replaced with newer, more fashionable goods. luckily, this garment can still be worn — and still looks bloody fantastic — when overseas on holiday, preferably in an iberian environment, where it blends in very, very well with the locals.

  40. Leah says:

    Kickette always makes my day better.

  41. Soon2beWifeOfNAsri says:

    I just think the blue does not complement his freckles at all lool nooo but seriously i think Torres needs to adjust with life in London, not being able to wake and see Stevie G's beautiful face every morning at the training ground as he is all the way in Liverpool and stevie obviously is feeling like his heart been ripped out of his chest because his former bottle blonde babe is now in the posh areas of west london (chelsea). Life of a baller can be so difficult….j/k =)

    Kickette this post was frickin FAB!! =)

  42. YvoYeungGirl says:

    Brilliant Kickettes! I hope Nando and his freckles do not derail at Stamford Bridge. I hope they see it as a new challenge and feel confident in the outfit(as horrid as the shade of blues is on his complexion)! It's not the outfit who rocks you, YOU rock the outfit!

  43. Anna says:

    This article was simply brilliant!!!!!! i just can't stop grinning :)

  44. black widow says:

    perfectly and brilliantly said.

    the only thing i might add is that said boutique does not offer refunds or exchanges on sold merchandise, and even if it did, said merchandise is now considered out of date and has been replaced with newer, more fashionable goods. luckily, this garment can still be worn — and still looks bloody fantastic — when overseas on holiday, preferably in an iberian environment, where it blends in very, very well with the locals.

  45. don't_speak says:

    Using a fashion metaphor to depict Fernando's recent fails on the pitch= pure literary genius!
    Thank you Kickette.

  46. littlegirl says:

    i've been away from this page for a long long time…i open it after about 3 months….and i find a picture of my fernando…it's a sign? it's the destiny? i don't kow…but it's fanatstic !!!

  47. Rossanera says:

    Kickette, this was brilliant.

  48. mochara says:

    Is it dirty that my eyes keep drifting to a "certain place" in that pic of Torres??