August 6th, 2010
FIFA Fantasy Directive: New Season, New Rules
Imagine how beautiful the above left image would be without the base layers. Our vision of the future? Above right.
It’s time for a change, Kickettes.
You might recall FIFA’s refusal to implement goal line technology was laughably brought to the watching public’s attention during the World Cup by Mr Frank Lampard. It’s obvious to us that FIFA need assistance in regulating the game of football and its players to maximise the enjoyment of the viewing public.
We are here to help.
In celebration of the new season (yay!) we’re tweaking the regulations we feel can only improve the spectacle of the sport we all cherish dearly. This is dedicated to Mr. Sepp Blatter and (his privilege seats) that we’re coming after.
In fact, (and this will not come as a surprise to dedicated readers or indeed anyone who has even thought about visiting this site) we would like to recommend that shirt removal become mandatory in the following circumstances: red cards, yellow cards, free kicks and just about every other time the whistle blows. Get where we’re going? This is the future. Give the abs their due, dammit.
1a. As a subsection to above rule, any player appearing on the pitch whilst wearing base layers should be forced to remove them while standing in the centre circle and then play in skins for the rest of the game. Any confusion over his team/name/number etc will be rectified by a ‘volunteer’ who will write his name and team on his back/front in marker. Slowly.
2. Goal celebrations must always involve one of the following elements: shirt removal (see directive no.1 for more details), nipple stroking, baby cradling, fishing. Bonus points (and a potential Oscar nomination) will be awarded to any team whose goal scorer manages to incorporate all of the above into one celebration.
Doesn’t Michael Ballack’s bulge deserve some recognition, FIFA? Yeesh.
3. Award season should be completely overhauled. Yes, we think the world’s best players should be rewarded, absolutely. But what about other key footballer achievements like Best Diva Strop, Best Commitment To Short Tents, and Most Improved Use of Hair Gel? If Tottenham’s Michael Dawson isn’t recognized in some way for this, we will rage and fury, Kickettes.
4. All players must open and maintain Twitter accounts. Teams will be awarded points depending on how innovative/topless their tweets are. Points will be removed for tweets that involve prosaic matters such as results, fixture schedules and/or team formations.
5. The annual end of season bubba parade should be replaced by a Bonny Bubba & Papa Contest. Each player will be required to sashay down a (hastily constructed in the Kickette office) catwalk in a pair of shorts while cradling their offspring. Ovary damage will be monitored accordingly to award top honours to the player/bubba who generates the loudest bang.
6. Instead of skiving off after training, all players should undertake community service, assisting the helpless and/or infirm with their essential every day requirements. Example: Fernando Torres polishing our Louboutins while we throw out pertinent missives. Needs to happen, really.
7. Any attempt to minimise, alter or otherwise molest the natural beauty of a footballer for advertising purposes is punishable by a full on boycott of all products endorsed by the company involved. Even booze. We are sooooo not over this.
8. Finally, Jose Mourinho should update his image by taking advice from his fashion forward squad. Especially Sergio Ramos.