August 6th, 2010

FIFA Fantasy Directive: New Season, New Rules

Imagine how beautiful the above left image would be without the base layers. Our vision of the future? Above right.

It’s time for a change, Kickettes.

You might recall FIFA’s refusal to implement goal line technology was laughably brought to the watching public’s attention during the World Cup by Mr Frank Lampard. It’s obvious to us that FIFA need assistance in regulating the game of football and its players to maximise the enjoyment of the viewing public.

We are here to help.

In celebration of the new season (yay!) we’re tweaking the regulations we feel can only improve the spectacle of the sport we all cherish dearly. This is dedicated to Mr. Sepp Blatter and (his privilege seats) that we’re coming after.

1. Let’s begin with the obvious. Stop carding players for removing their shirts in celebration. It’s a pointless waste of time and abs.

In fact, (and this will not come as a surprise to dedicated readers or indeed anyone who has even thought about visiting this site) we would like to recommend that shirt removal become mandatory in the following circumstances: red cards, yellow cards, free kicks and just about every other time the whistle blows. Get where we’re going? This is the future. Give the abs their due, dammit.

1a. As a subsection to above rule, any player appearing on the pitch whilst wearing base layers should be forced to remove them while standing in the centre circle and then play in skins for the rest of the game. Any confusion over his team/name/number etc will be rectified by a ‘volunteer’ who will write his name and team on his back/front in marker. Slowly.

2. Goal celebrations must always involve one of the following elements: shirt removal (see directive no.1 for more details), nipple stroking, baby cradling, fishing. Bonus points (and a potential Oscar nomination) will be awarded to any team whose goal scorer manages to incorporate all of the above into one celebration.

Doesn’t Michael Ballack’s bulge deserve some recognition, FIFA? Yeesh.

3. Award season should be completely overhauled. Yes, we think the world’s best players should be rewarded, absolutely. But what about other key footballer achievements like Best Diva Strop, Best Commitment To Short Tents, and Most Improved Use of Hair Gel? If Tottenham’s Michael Dawson isn’t recognized in some way for this, we will rage and fury, Kickettes.

4. All players must open and maintain Twitter accounts. Teams will be awarded points depending on how innovative/topless their tweets are. Points will be removed for tweets that involve prosaic matters such as results, fixture schedules and/or team formations.

Everton goalkeeper5. The annual end of season bubba parade should be replaced by a Bonny Bubba & Papa Contest. Each player will be required to sashay down a (hastily constructed in the Kickette office) catwalk in a pair of shorts while cradling their offspring. Ovary damage will be monitored accordingly to award top honours to the player/bubba who generates the loudest bang.

6. Instead of skiving off after training, all players should undertake community service, assisting the helpless and/or infirm with their essential every day requirements. Example: Fernando Torres polishing our Louboutins while we throw out pertinent missives. Needs to happen, really.

7. Any attempt to minimise, alter or otherwise molest the natural beauty of a footballer for advertising purposes is punishable by a full on boycott of all products endorsed by the company involved. Even booze. We are sooooo not over this.

8. Finally, Jose Mourinho should update his image by taking advice from his fashion forward squad. Especially Sergio Ramos.

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29 Responses to “FIFA Fantasy Directive: New Season, New Rules”

  1. YasminMarisa says:

    Oh my god this is hilarious! Kickette, you truly are the best.

  2. Ess-Jay says:

    i agree with ALL of these rules! espeeeeecially rule 1 and 3. ohhhhhh, i love it. haha i still don’t understand why men get yellow carded for taking their tops off.. it’s just, depressing.. :(

    also. that last photo is absolute class.. haha he looks like he’s from the thunderbirds! hahaha

  3. Mrs Puyol says:

    Amen!

  4. Ms. Emma Krkic Perez says:

    That picture of Mouriho/Ramos is NASTY!

    Never realized how much Jose looked like Mr. Bean till now.

  5. Rachel S says:

    Brilliant Kickette! Had a great laugh while reading this. Love all the rules, but especially the one regarding shirt removal…I would die if I was the lucky volunteer chosen to write the player’s numbers on their front and back sides…*sigh*
    Also, thinking about rule #5 and what it entails pretty much makes my ovaries explode right then and there.

  6. lena says:

    I absolutely agree that there should be an “all abs all the time” rule.

    I also agree that crimes against footballer beauty should be punished.

    But I’ve gotta say, Kickette, that photo of Mourinho done up a la Sergio Ramos, while not quite a crime against beauty, is rather revoltingly 80′s hair band—and not in a good way. Google “David Lee Roth” if you don’t understand what I mean.

  7. lulu says:

    Can't. Get. Over. Mou's. Pic.

    that's gotta be a Kickette classic and an early nominee for Reader's Choice Awards 2010

  8. rslkdl says:

    This is pure gold. Love writing the names with marker, "slowly." LMAO!

    Thanks Kickette!

  9. Dedo-7 says:

    YAAY !! shirtless celebrations !! :) <3 at last !! rule #1 is the best

  10. Jenna says:

    kickette, i bow to your greatness.

  11. LoveFootballLoveFootballPlayers says:

    Don’t they also get carded for going to celebrate a goal with fans now? I mean I’ve seen it in Mexico’s league… I mean why punish a happy-sweaty-halfnaked-abs bursting-goal making-player when he wants to be touched by his fans? That should be rule 1b… I mean don’t know if you noticed ladies but sadly in many country and stadiums there’s fences protecting the players from the public but in many cases the ballers make it to the stands and want to share their happiness… what’s wrong with that?

    • LoveFootballLoveFootballPlayers says:

      Oh I almost forgot… if MR Ballack were to take off his shorts (leaving on his boxer briefs of course)in celebration on his goals I would so appreciate that and he should be awarded some sort of special trophy at the end of the tournamnent.

  12. blitzen says:

    Not much point having a Bonny Bubba and Papa contest, because Pepe Reina and Grezia would win it every single year!

    Also, can we institute penalties for egregious crimes against hair? (Sergio Ramos' cornrows, I'm looking at you!) A yellow card is just a warning, while a red card will result in expulsion from the game and escort to the nearest hair stylist under supervision of a Kickette representative.

  13. Loveee it :) I didnt know players got penalised for taking their shirts off!?

    • Blackwood says:

      unfortunately, yes they do.

      but sometimes, the players will do it either way during the last game of the season, at least here in Argentina some of them have done it.

  14. Blackwood says:

    The season also starts tonight here in Argentina with Lanus-Arsenal, I can hardly wait!

    Also, I would suggest coaches remove their shirts (and more, if they want) too… they couldn't get kicked out of the game, since they're not playing (although they could be kicked out of the stadium, I guess). Plus, Lanus' coach is far hotter than any player in Argentina.

  15. Amber C says:

    Shirtless Celebrations are amazing! I completely agree with all of the above. Except the baby cradling thing..just a little weird for me.

    But I have a suggestion. How about games that are completely shirtless. They can just have their numbers painted on them by such volunteers as the kickette clan. Of course you would have to think about the games during cold weather….but we could figure a way, maybe big heaters facing the pitch.

  16. Julia D says:

    Is that Roque on the left??????

  17. Maria says:

    Hahaha yes!!! Where do I sign to aprove this???

    Especially #1 and 1a. Apart from the obvious delight that is for us girls, a footballer taking his shirt off it's like the ultimate celebration!! Stupid rule, that one… All in Pro of shirtless celebrations say aye!

  18. Amanda says:

    Amen times 1,000 to Rule 1. Also, I am in favor of recognizing commitment to short tents. Perhaps if we start awarding them for this very important skill, they will respond accordingly? Yes. Me likey.

  19. Julia D says:

    YES YES YES! Kickette you are right on track! I hate Blatter for his sour-grapes-keep-covered rule more than any other thing he's done in his heinous reign. But I agree with Witch about skipping #5, the baby thing doesn't do it for me. Maybe I'm sad but I don't want the sight of a baby to screw up my sweaty fantasies! And I'm selfishly bummed about the birth of babygirl Luis Suarez yesterday………wahhhhh!

    • Maria says:

      Did he just have a baby??? Oooh we want pics!! :D

      • Julia D says:

        No pics that I've seen (believe me I've looked, in several languages). Just know he flew via private jet after Ajax's game Wednesday to Barcelona where wife is. Baby named Delfina. Wife is his childhood sweetheart, he owes all his strength to her being with him barf barf. Baby's probably ridiculously cute, he kind of has a baby's labile face, so expressive. Will not make any breastfeeding jokes.

  20. Witch says:

    The ban on shirt removal celebrations is pathetic and typical of that fat hypocrite ("female fooballers should wear tighter shorts") Septic Blather. I also agree with all the above points, except the baby cradling celebration one…it's not only cheesy and rather vomit inducing, but to imagine cuties such as Ozil doing that celebration after breeding with botox monsters such as Lagerblom is stomach churning in the extreme.

  21. Dee says:

    Amen to rule 1 and 1a.