November 19th, 2010
Finest 5 Revamp: Kickettes, It’s Marco’s Way Or The Highway
You see, Kickettes, we’re really just conduits – no, pawns – in the fight for good vs.evil.
Remember when Bad Borri failed to triumph against the forces of good in the last F5 battle? We were distraught. Devastated, even. How could a creature of such astonishing beauty (left) and downright manliness not have a place in the most relevant rundown of football player hotness since… well, the Hot Hall of Fame? [Image at left: Bellazon]
True to our spoiled brat form, we’re rebelling. There’s only so much wholesome goodness a bunch of hungover bishes can take. Any guy who spends as much time rolling about exposing his rampant hotness on these hallowed pages totes deserves his day in the Kickette boudoir sun.
Marco Borriello, AS Roma
To quote ZZ Top, “Women Go Crazy ‘Bout a Sharp Dressed Man”.
‘Fraid you’ll have find a limo for the trip back to your place, though. Kickette ladies’ blow outs and motorbikes do not mix.
Pepe Reina, Liverpool FC
In light of our recent ‘misunderstanding/terrorist threat’ issue with FedEx, you might think it a little soon to be introducing Pepe Reina to the F5 list. We’re not exactly noted for our self control where this man is concerned, after all.
But if a shopping cart-bearing, bubba bouncing, drunk on the phone to his mama lump of man meat like Peps does not qualify for a place in this list of list, what the hell kind of list is it?! We’ve done our research, and now that the flexibility issues have been sorted, we pledge to pursue the man with renewed vigour.
Restraining and enforcement orders allowing, of course.
Joe Hart, Manchester City FC
This one is about as obvious as our presence at a champagne and Louboutin convention. When Joe Hart is discussed at Kickette HQ, you can cut the estrogen with a knife. The levels of lust this man conjures up is detrimental to our health and well-being.
To make matters worse, Joe knows this. We think his cheeky smirk while flashing us his boxer briefs and furry man thighs was launched at us like a scud missle, hell-bent on demolishing our lady parts. He’s practically triple-dog-daring us not to put him in the F5. Our lack of willpower here is pathetic, frankly.
Other key points to note: Mr. Hart has a body we would like to use as a jungle gym and he knows how to party. Swilling lager and liquor straight from the source? That’s the kind of man we’d be proud to bring home to our Mums. If you still aren’t convinced, please redirect your undivided attention here, where he can been seen dancing in a very tight pair of shorts.
We need to towel off.
TIME TO HIT THE SHOWERS
Why are we relegating them off this list?! What is our crap selection criteria to determine player removal and is this system more screwy than Floridians executing an election recount?!
Before you freak and burst a gizzard, we assure you that we do not take decisions of this magnitude lightly. Therefore, how we arrived at our revised F5 list boiled down to four main points:
2. Fernando Torres is going to be a father again soon – this time to a baby boy – and we find that even harder to resist. Also, his commitment to keeping his hair cute must be acknowledged.
3. Oh, Yoann. We love you like a debt-collection agency loves a D-list WAG. But we’re fickle. And we want you to change your hair. And we just couldn’t quit Cesc yet.
4. Because we said so.
Go on, we know you have something to say about this. We’ve got our bullet-proof vests and stun guns ready.
See our Finest Five