The Kickette Finest Five List
When the original Finest Five list crawled tentatively out from beneath our beloved Editor’s desk some four years ago, we have to confess that we were nervous. We hadn’t planned for the responsibilities of parenthood and quite frankly we were unprepared. We had no clue how to nurture a creature of such pretty, tanned and deliciously coiffed proportions and confess that we may have ignored its immediate nutritional requirements in favour of staring at it in wonder.
Despite this, the Finest Five has flourished. Through its many incarnations (this is the sixth. The sixth! We had no clue we were capable of such consistency), via adolescent bouts of wanton disobedience and frankly inexplicable behaviour, it has grown into a sleek love machine with it’s own transportation, an impressive collection of stripy pants and a flourishing TV career.
Admittedly it doesn’t visit as often as it should, but the anger at its absence seems to melt into a little puddle on the floor when it does bother to show up at the door, brandishing garage flowers and cheap wine. You might not always agree with it. It might drive you potty and cause you to write angry emails that you come to regret later.
But you love it like a baby. And so do we. Take a deep breath, team. It’s the Finest Five: 6.0.
1. Cesc Fabregas, Arsenal FC
Captain Cesc Fabregas. Sigh. We spend entire seasons trying to hide how much we love Captain Adorkable, and yet every so often, the lid slips off our hysteria and we embarrass ourselves with our gushing once again.
He’s just so nummy, y’see. In what must be a huge setback for feminists across the globe, we must declare now that whether he’s beardy or smooth, single or smugmarried, Arsenal or Barca, we simply don’t care.
Cescy is a firm fixture on the F5 list and the way it’s looking at the moment, the only way we’re removing him is if one of us marries him and gets possessive. Imagine the scenes…
Mr Borriello is one of the few footballers who is hot and knows it. Unabashedly so. Seeing him in his purest state is almost as good as being touched by an angel. In fact, we’d give up our spot in footy gossip heaven for just 24 hours alone with Mr. Borriello.
Aside from being a reformed geek, Marco is honest about his lack of willpower when it comes to a beautiful woman. He also once admitted that he’s not down with unnecessary bedroom nonsense. We continue to find this insanely hot, because of this, this and THAT TAT.
It’s been said before, and we’ll say it again: that’s a “double bag it and pray” situation few would say no to.
3. Aitor Ocio, Atletico Bilbao
Unless cribbing has taken place, we’re pretty sure that the name Aitor Ocio will not be brought up if there is ever a repeat of the F5 quiz on ESPN’s Talk of the Terrace.
Indeed, it is only regular readers of our beloved blog who know the depth for our feelings regarding Aitor and more specifically, his abs. But we’re not nearly so shallow as to just choose a man for this coveted position on the basis of his finely tuned torso.
No, we genuinely believe that Aitor has covertly campaigned for this spot, revealing his ripped royalties at every conceivable opportunity. The ad campaign. The superheroes calendar. The pre-season fitness test, for heaven’s sake.
He wanted it, we gave it to him. What more can we say?
For reasons we will never be able to fathom, Carlos Bocanegra is a man who tends to fly under the radar for serious football fanatics. Is it the Saint-Étienne guy’s fashionable taste in neck wear that puts them off? His unusual off-pitch activities, perhaps? Or the fact that he makes green look so sexy?
Oh, whothehellcares. At the editorial meeting to consider this list, we decided to hang all concerns that we would be offering his duurty charms to a whole new demographic, on the basis that he’s already a favourite with former world leaders. It’s a calculated gamble for us that more exposure for Carlos means more exposure of Carlos.
The only possible problem is that global fame might increase his prices. $250 an hour suits our expense accounts just fine, thank you.
5. Jack Rodwell, Everton
Kickette soldier boys and girls allow us to welcome you to the Everton playground. We know you have enjoyed the spoils of the elder statesmen through the years, but we implore you to stop and smell The Hot Rod’s toffee.
Jack’s transformation from fresh out of jailbait territory to fully-formed grownup has been a delight to watch, and his willingness to repeatedly get the abs out does a lot for his appeal. Plus, we gotta show love for a ‘baller with nice buzz cut!
Really, Rodwell’s is one-of-a-kind. From the stellar footy skills to the puffy pillow lips we’d very much like to take a long nap on, there is no denying this man’s place in our “to-do us” list.