February 14th, 2012
Finest Five 6.5: Say Hello To Our New Sizzling Sweethearts
Happy Valentine’s Day, Kickettes!
Usually we hate having to mix our “classies” and “one-nighters” wish lists, but today’s festive spirit has put us in a lovey-dovey (and lustful) mood.
Not quite ready for a total Finest Five re-shuffle? Neither were we, but we still think our readers will be giddy with man meat glee once you see the modifications made especially with you all in mind.
A friendly reminder that The Finest 5 is a completely subjective Kickette list and we rarely care what other people think about it.
And also, this is strictly an objectification of man flesh. If you have nothing nice to say, at least bring presents. We have tolerance as slim as our waistlines for rude or lewd musings, so let’s play nice in the comments and we’ll all get goody bags on our way out.
1. Lance Parker (Former Spot: N/A)
Pic from Lance. Gosh how we love him and his helpfulness.
We are body-worshippers by design, and Lance has bulldozed the hot competition since making his debut onto our scene.
Steamier than Victoria Beckham’s broccoli, many Kickettes share a mutual centre of the universe – Lance’s six-pack. One thing we neglected to mention in our interview with LP is that he owns (and regularly wears if the time/place is right) cowboy boots and hats.
Our lady boners have mini bone-ettes. Excuse us.
Why has he been fast-tracked to the top of the Finest Five? Well, as reader Mata put it: “Kickette soldier boys and girls of all colours, creeds, nationalities and orientations, united by a common lust! This guy’s beauty is I think the only time I’ve ever seen everybody here in agreement…”
Before announcing our new F5 line-up, we asked the male model/NASL player for his thoughts on making our best of-the-moment list of ‘ballers. In his comedically humble opinion, Lance said: “It’s always fun to see yourself at the top of any list. Well, unless it’s something like the FBI’s most wanted list or something like that…”
We’re off to Edmonton in search of some new stamps for our passports, Kickettes. Wanna come?
2. Cesc Fabregas (Former Spot: 1)
Just understand that he and his evolving hairstyles are going nowhere else at the moment.
3. Olivier Giroud (Former Spot: N/A)
We love this guy’s face and so does the camera. Olivier, like Yoann, is sophisticated hot; a smooth as butter ‘baller with dimples who takes our breath and oxygen masks away.
Not only does he get our bona-fide fine backing in 2012, he got his country’s sexy seal of approval in late 2011 as well. As the Kickette archives is quick to point out, we require our yummiest of strikers to be tough and strong-jawed, like this man. Plus Olivier looks like he could make a mean omelette. In the morning. After all the sex.
4. Marco Borriello (Former Spot: 2)
Marco Borriello is our #1 F.I.L.F., which alone warrants his place on this list (albeit a few spots lower than last time). A habitual scene stealer for some right and oh so wrong reasons, we’ve decimated our 401Ks to capture this fleshmonger’s physical art for the front page countless times and neither him nor us are showing any signs of slowing down.
In case you’re wondering, F.I.L.F. is an acronym we coined to describe players we’d like to do not-so-PG-13 things with.
Image: REUTERS/Giorgio Perottino.
5. Carlos Bocanegra (Former Spot: 4)
A reliable product on top and man parts we already know intimately down below (and are willing to explore further), we will option the club and country leading man as captain of our beds, breakfast nooks and/or balconies anytime.
Yes, Carlos has slipped a bit, but we still find his body of work to be ridic and wish to marry him/it. Twice.
BTW, we said buh-bye to Aitor Ocio and Jack Rodwell. Show of hands for who even noticed?