June 5th, 2009
Finest Five: Man Crush Edition
We asked all of our boy bloggers to confess their deepest, darkest secret: who is their footballer man crush of the moment? After they were foolish enough to tell us, we sent the answers anonymously to Brooks and Carter at Dirty Tackle for intensive analysis and mocking of the man choices. We’re sweet like that.
1. Fernando Torres
The Spoiler: “It has to be Fernando “turning Anfield gay since 2007” Torres, although we did also have a vote for Sergio Ramos. Just as long as it’s not El Hadji Diouf – we don’t do the “spittoon position”.
Unprofessional Foul: “Due to the large Liverpool contingent at UF, our not-so-secret man crush is one Fernando Torres. Oh how we love to sing “Fernando Torres Liverpool’s Number Nine” while watching his blond, curly hair flowing in the breeze.”
Dirty Tackle take: This isn’t even a “man-crush” per say, due to the feminine nature of his facial features. Whoever made this choice is basically cheating, and playing a game of “well if I had to…“ Whoever voted for Torres sings, “You’ll Never Walk Alone” with added purpose. And they mean he’ll never walk alone on a moonlit beach. Or in a dark alley. Or in the corner of a bar called “The Toolbox”. Time to move on.
2. Paolo Maldini
Who Ate All the Pies: “A classy guy in every way.”
The Offside: “We boys can only hope to look that good when we hit 40. He’s inspired me to start using moisturizer and hair conditioner. And start bathing.”
DT take: This is a pretty justifiable crush – if you’re a granny (grandpa?) chaser. But seriously, this choice shows a value on loyalty in a relationship, can’t knock them for that.
Soccerlens: “He’s living proof that persistence and opportunism are more important than talent (so much of his success has come through sheer determination and professionalism that it’s easy to overlook the fact that he’s technically quite good).
Beckham is also such an inspiration to all fans whose ball skills are less than stellar.”
This is just a flat out, straight up homosexual crush. It’s not masking behind beautiful play like Ronaldo, it’s simply admiration for a very handsome man.
We respect this voter’s forthcoming attitude toward their feelings. Fly your rainbow flag high!
4. Rino Gattuso
Dirty Tackle: “The perfect combination of palpable angst and murderous instincts.”
Carter – I can reveal that Brooks has quite a few shirtless Gattuso posters in his bedroom that he claims make him look “beastly”.
Brooks – Not true, they’re images that highlight his passion for the game and admirable ferocity. Plus I had to build an addition onto the house for all of them, so they’re not in my bedroom anymore.
5. Cristiano Ronaldo
With Leather: “Well, I wouldn’t call it secret and I definitely wouldn’t call it a crush, but I really admire Cristiano Ronaldo’s shamelessness. In America, a public figure can’t just go around having hooker orgies without having to make bullshit public apologies and claiming to have found God and whatnot. So I guess what I’m really saying is that I like England’s acceptance of prostitutes. Like soccer, it’s one of the few things that the UK does better than the States.“
This is a female crush, if anything. How can any self-respecting man have a crush on him? There are a lot of players who can do fancy things on the pitch, but very few look just as fancy off the pitch. Whoever made this pick needs to admit something to themselves: they love hot pants. And if there had to be a threeway, it would include Kiko Macheda, for practical twin purposes.
(Dishonorable mention): Luka Modric
Studs Up: “I’m going have to say Luka Modric, because I like my men short, ugly, scrawny and what can only be described as “lesbian-esque”. I’ll also throw Stephen Ireland in there because he got hair plugs and then shaved them off. The man is comedy gold.“
DT take: This is just messed up and terribly creepy. Is it the misshaped teeth that do it for ya? The locks of love atop his dainty little head? Or the glint in his eyes of a little boy who just woke up on Christmas morning and got nothing but tube socks? He’s like a shorter, smaller, better at football (one would imagine), Samantha Ronson.