March 26th, 2010

Footballers Behaving Badly: An Introductory Line-Up

Bloody footballers. It doesn’t matter how many times one of their own is vilified for an offence (usually involving a car, a woman or a catastrophic lapse in common sense), you can guarantee that another bright spark will soon break free from the pack to steal his own sordid gossip column inches.

To get us all out of our self-imposed “not MY fave football hunk!” denial-funk, we are celebrating the inexplicable, albeit highly amusing, recidivism by taking a reflective gander at some badly behaved ‘ballers.

No, we’re not sure that any of these lads have a chance at redemption, but that’s all part of their charm, no? They’re well-paid, professionals that often think with the wrong organ. And on that note, we would now kindly request a single file line to the xerox machines, Kickettes. Their derrieres are not going to photocopy themselves, now.

Category: Violence (team mates)

We understand that in order to be a professional sportsman, you need a certain degree of competitive edge. We do. We actually like it. But hard tackling on the training pitch is one thing. Walloping a team mate is something else.

While Joey Barton remains the King of inter-team infraction, there are many pretenders to his scary throne. In the last two weeks alone, Hull City’s Jimmy Bullard & Nicky Barmby went at it in comedic fashion in front of the Women’s Institute and Newcastle’s Andy Carroll allegedly tonked team mate Steven Taylor and broke his jaw. Over a text message. Whathafu?

But we are not ones to turn our noses up at a giggle. Just one thing, guys. If you’re going to smack your bro up, please do it on the field or at least make sure there’s a camera around so we can watch.

Threat level: Severe. A further offence is highly likely

Category: Violence (general)

A rather more traditional form of mad footballer violence is that directed towards opposition players and fans. Honourable mentions must go to Steven Gerrard’s WWE style flying elbow on Portsmouth’s Michael Brown a couple of weeks ago and Carlton Cole’s superb row with a fan at last night’s Premier League crunch clash between West Ham and Wolves. Passion and pride unbounded.

But for us nothing can rival the great pizzagate debacle between Manchester Utd & Arsenal in 2004. Why, you ask? Okay. Cescy. Pizza. The smearing of. Uh huh, that would be most of our fantasies fulfilled in one fell swoop. You?

Threat level: Substantial. Further offences a strong possibility.

Category: Infidelity

Text messaging is like dynamite. In the right hands, it is relatively harmless and actually quite useful for making big holes in things. (Ahem). In the wrong hands, it is explosive and capable of causing much heartache and pain. And make no mistake about it. Footballer’s hands are some of the most lethal in the business. With Ashley Cole’s hilarious protestations of innocence still ringing in our ears and images of Toni Terry grinning inanely every time someone points a camera in her direction, we don’t need to remind you that infidelity is alive and well and living in player’s shorts. And it’s a stayer. Only this weekend, David Beckham was confronted once again with offences allegedly committed in 2004. Nasty.

Threat level: Critical. A further offence is expected imminently.

Category: Religious/ fascist gesturing

It’s always amusing when ballers overstep their remit and get involved in stuff that is clearly too much for them. Artur Boruc has made a career out of it, after all. And last weekend, Lazio’s Zarate managed to get himself photographed performing a fascist salute in the style of one Paulo Di Canio. At least Mr Di Canio had the good sense to stand by his principles when making a stupid and highly offensive gesture. Zarate claims he didn’t know what he was doing. Epic.

Threat level: Low. But stoopid.

Category: Motor Vehicles

Speeding. Oh Kickettes, if we were to buy a handbag every time a ‘baller gets his licence revoked for driving too fast… well, we buy handbags a lot so we’d probably have about the same number, but you get the point.

A far more interesting offence is that of one John Terry, who managed to hit a steward with his car as he sped away from Chelsea’s defeat by Inter at Stamford Bridge. Our theory? We reckon he’s been chatting to Ash and is compiling his own absurd excuse for his playing away. Well, if he can drive over someone without noticing, he can probably make a case for going into the wrong house and having ‘relations’ with a former team mate’s ex…

Threat level: Severe. A further offence is highly likely

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24 Responses to “Footballers Behaving Badly: An Introductory Line-Up”

  1. sounderslove says:

    Cesc did not throw the pizza.

  2. TB says:

    And here I was thinking you were going to bring up Gerrard and his crew’s club fight over Phil Collins…

  3. Sarah says:

    Cesc still maintains his innocence in the Great Pizza Incident, but I really hope it was him because the whole situation still cracks me up to this day. Legendary.

  4. ALRIS says:

    Nice posting. I like when footballers are a bit on the bad boy side.

  5. Redgirl says:

    Stevie sticks up for himself. A proper man. Douche bags who send pix of their genitals to other ladies is just eurgh. Big difference.

  6. trista_jade says:

    Passion on the pitch is fantastic – I can't rightly explain it, but some of the more aggressive tackles I've seen are quite attractive.

    Infidelity, on the other hand, is sadly something that is to be expected anymore. I just don't get it, I guess – if you are going to sleep around, why get married? Just saying…if you are going to sleep around, just do and don't put a ring on anyone's finger. You might be a man whore, but at least you won't be a d-bag cheating on your wife.

  7. HiL says:

    Awww come on Andy Carroll! i really like you, don’t ruin it.

  8. Venice says:

    I don’t know, I like good guys. Men acting like dbags is a turn off.

    • moomin1314 says:

      I'm with you on that one Venice. I don't mind a bit of passion and anger on the pitch – means they care-but violent and just plain stupid players like Barton, Bellamy and Bowyer are scum and a total turn off.

  9. Inés says:

    Oh, I forgot…”the pizzagate” and all Cescy scandals are good for me! ;) …and I truly believe he’s unfaithful too!

  10. Inés says:

    I love bad baheaving ballers! I love bad boys in general (good girls like bad boys). But, I don’t accept racism!

  11. ICan'tThink says:

    This might not be completely relevant, but speaking of violence, did anyone see the Getafe Vs Real Madrid game on the 25th? When Parejo tripped Casillas and then scored a goal even after Serg raised his hand in a gesture asking him to stop??

    That go me pretty mad…ruined my mood for the day >:-(

    Just a thought I liked to share with fellow Casillas fans xD

    • liesjuhh says:

      Yes, I saw the tackle. But it was a correct tackle, even though he hit Iker's ankle… Poor Iker…

      But he didn't accept the apologies from Parejo. That isn't very nice is it :P

      Iker later said that it was a correct tackle and Parejo was not to blaim

      A real gentleman :)

      • ICan'tThink says:

        Yea…I guess that’s true, it just hurt me to see him in pain :(
        I didn’t hear of his comment on the incident though..thanks for telling me about it…seriously WHAT a gentleman <3

        Today they have a game against Atletico Madrid…I can't wait xD!

        • Thea says:

          I saw it and don't think it was not violent – Iker made a meal out of it try and hide yet another one of his many mistakes he makes these days. Even the pundits at Real Madrid thought he behaved badly. Go Athletico!!!! Barca need to stay top.

          • senora ramos says:

            thea, for once i agree with part of what you said. (well besides the messi/rooney thing). that was all iker's fault. it pissed me off the way he batted parejo away.

            and damn, cheering for atleti is a new low even for you ;9

            hala madrid!! can't wait for the 10th!!

            • Thea says:

              Well Ramos, us Barca fans have a lot more to contend with before the 10th, such as the quater finals in the CL. And even with the extra games Barca still manage to play better football!

              • senora ramos says:

                really?! you REALLY think you have been playing better football in the league? ooooookkkkk.

                and yes, i am aware of you’re oh so important match. go gunners!

                • Thea says:

                  Well that's a little hypocritical considering that you insulted ALL fans of Atheltco (and Fernando Torres !) as well as myself by stating that to support them is low act!

                • senora ramos says:

                  thea, it was a joke. hence the face. whatev.

                  all you do is spew insults anytime real is brought up so it's like pot meet kettle.

                  anyways to make up for ruffling feathers, here you go:

                  and i dislike atleti more than barca, so i am more prone to be ugly about them. don't get so defensive all the time.

                • Thea says:

                  Fair dues Missy, and thanks for the Pictures. Am very fiesty and protective of my Barca boys! The 10th should be a good game – as it will no doubt decide La Liga!

  12. Molly says:

    Lol I still can't believe that JT ran over that steward and didn't notice. I swear he is in his own little world :) .

    I like when footballers are a bit on the bad boy side. Like when Stevie got into that fight a few years back it made his sex appeal double for me.

  13. liv says:

    The saying boyz will will be boyz is so true!