February 11th, 2011

Footballers In Film: If Kickette Ran Hollywood

Image: Vavel.com.

Once upon a time, (AKA shortly after the abomination that was SATC2), the internal Kickette crew ran out of acceptable movie options, forcing every last one of us (plus pets!) to hit the pubs hard. You may have even noticed, if you have actually been paying attention over the last couple of weeks, that our commitment to you has been in question due to our disorganized priorities. We’ve repeatedly (and pretty pathetically) blamed our abrupt shortage of stories – and ability to populate posts with properly spelled words and catchy phrases – on ‘slow news days’ and opted for featuring ‘distraction abs’ instead.

In order to let bygones be bygones (and overcome our lax posting habits), we locked two of our most..er…’creative’ minds in the Mayhem and Fruit Beverages Suite with only a computer, a packet of digestive biscuits and a photo of ‘Mourinho. Jose Mourinho’ from Spanish mag, Vavel. Kickette staffers Kelly & Kelly, (yes, there are two of them), were, as always, up for it.

Their task? Seek immediate alternative avenues of viewing entertainment for the office’s rainy day impromptu movie meetings.

And so, the Kickette Kellys had no choice but to throw their (near-empty) cocktails to the wind and soberly settle into a monumental “what if” affray of the adventurously-minded.

Twenty-six straight hours of photoshopping, four fist fights (no animals were harmed in the process) and a panicked telephone call to the fire dept later, they emerged. The fruits of their labours are below. Footballers as movie stars – the post. Please enjoy.

Oh, and if you’re paying enough attention to notice we haven’t been, you will see that we have played somewhat fast and loose with the term ‘movie’ here and there. We hope that you will forgive us.

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10. Leo Messi as Mark Zuckerberg in “The Social Network”

If Cristiano could’ve won the Balon D’or…he would’ve.

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9. Robbie Savage as Billie in “Glitter”

The life and times of a struggling footballer from the early days of push-up bras.

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8. Joey Barton as Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein in “Casino”

Running across the pitch unmarked is like robbing a bank with no cops around. For guys like him, winning EPL matches washes away his sins. It’s like a morality car wash.

[Sidenote: the Kickette version of the movie will still have the most uses of the "F" word in a feature length film. We're traditionalists, folks.]

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7. Thierry Henry as Price Akeem in “Coming to America”

He’s not just a man who has never tied his own shoes before, he’s a PRINCE who has never tied his shoes.

We tied our own shoes once. Believe us. It’s an overrated experience.

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6. Fernando Torres as Face, Frank Lampard as Hannibal, John Terry as Howling Mad Murdock and Didier Drogba as BA Baracus in “The A-Team”

5. Edinson Cavani as Eric Draven in “The Crow”

A man who’s split ends were brutally butchered at the barber shop returns to the scene of the clipper crime to avenge his mane’s murder.

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4. David Beckham as Tyler Durden in “Fight Club”

Mischief, mayhem and male aggression – starring an “everyman” who looks nothing like every other man.

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3. Nemanja Vidic as Lucky Day, Rio Ferdidnand as Dusty Bottoms and Patrice Evra as Ned Nederlander in “Three Amigos”


Three defensive stars who are mistaken for real heroes by a small Mexican footballer (as played by Chicharito) must find a way to live up to that reputation.

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2. Xabi Alonso as “The Incredible Hulk”

Within each of us, ofttimes, there dwells a mighty and raging fury. A fury that Kickette took so long to HHOF one’s fine arse.

1. Marco Borriello as Johnny Utah and Francesco Totti as Bodhi in “Point Break”

If you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It’s not tragic to injure one’s self flashing the body parts that all Kickettes love.

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57 Responses to “Footballers In Film: If Kickette Ran Hollywood”

  1. anne says:

    Beckham's face+ Brad's body = WIN
    Altough it could easily be the other way around.

  2. [...] Once upon a time, (AKA shortly after the abomination that was SATC2), the internal Kickette crew ran out of acceptable movie options, forcing every last one of us (plus pets!) to hit the pubs hard. You may have even noticed, if you have … Read more from the original source: [...]

  3. @AgnesWonka says:

    I have one. Cesc Fabregas as Harry Potter! Nicky Bendtner as Draco Malfoy and Arsene Wenger as……Dumbledore? Voldemort? you choose.

  4. SpanishFootieLover says:

    hahahah lolz this makes my day. love it!! do something similar again soon!!

  5. wanniemelon says:

    "Three defensive stars who are mistaken for real heroes by a small Mexican footballer (as played by Chicharito) must find a way to live up to that reputation"

    BWAAHAHAHAHAHA thanks for that. XD

  6. Megster says:

    Suggestion: Zlatan and Pique, for Brokeback Mountain; Mourinho would be perfect as The Godfather; The whole FC Barcelona, Mighty Ducks;

  7. zunik says:

    WOW, its amazing!! I so agree with Mourinho's poster! ;)

  8. MrsLBaines says:

    They were all funny! Would love to see this as a regular feature!

  9. MH from NH says:

    the A-Team one broke my heart. why you doing this to me? why?

  10. Rosie says:

    I think someone on here once mentioned that Yoann looked like a Disney prince. Why not cast him, his dark locks, and his long lashes in a role like that?

  11. D0li says:

    I think they have done an excellent job! I love the parings of the players with the movies not just their appearance but their personality matches the posters!

  12. kelly says:

    Amazong!! I really love the Point Break one its my favorite.

  13. livealittle says:

    oh kickette, i was having such a crap week until i saw this. thanks for making me laugh, i needed it.

  14. balicious says:

    Very cool this post. I appreciate all of them but i still don't understand the association between Xabi Alonso and Hulk. is that it has nothing to do!

    • hada says:

      Perhaps it's cause Xabi could have a green face and be mad-manning trough town but still look fabulous. XD

  15. Winnie Mata says:

    LMFAO! coming to america may be the funniest movie ever!
    LOVE this! would've loved it more if the Ramos got cast though
    although i'm not sure who i'd cast him as in anything lol

  16. Sarah, Madrid says:

    nothing about Ramos and Cristano..I am disappionted :( . However, thank you kickette made my day specailly Gilleter, Borriello looks like a movie star to be honest wow!

  17. TheAmethyst007 says:

    The Thierry Henry movie made me laugh out loud. It fits so well! :-)

  18. LoseThatGirl says:

    And the Oscar goes to…. Kickette's Kellys for a job well done!

  19. blitzenTO says:

    Shouldn't the Three Amigos be Cesc, Pique, and Puyol?

    • Ashley says:

      I totally agree, that would have been better, considering the fact that they complete each other.

      • blitzenTO says:

        Plus we would get to see them in those amazing outfits. I would pay good money to see that!

  20. kitty1979 says:

    Genius! absolutely loved it, just showed my other half and he agreed. Nice work indeed

  21. @Di_Elle says:

    ah ah ah awesome! :D Messi and my roman boys are my favorite!

  22. Isabella says:

    Brilliant!

  23. kim says:

    I would say that Xabi is real James Bond! :D

  24. LosAngeleno says:

    Oh Marco and Totti…they're just looking for the ultimate ride.

  25. Anna says:

    ahahahaha i don't know why but the messi one is weirdly true (we all no who his one enemy is)

  26. Gabs says:

    Hilarious!!!

  27. Marie says:

    BRILLIANT!!!!
    I would have included Carles puyol as Tarzen though!

  28. caquark says:

    There's Dollywood, Bollywood and now this creative Kickette "Hollywood". If only I could think of a creative name! Well done, like them all.

  29. @8VivaMegan6 says:

    All right, I haven't laughed that hard in awhile, I almost fell off my spin-y office chair. They just kept getting better! "mistaken for real heroes by a small Mexican footballer (as played by Chicharito)" BAH!

  30. Nat says:

    No Gerard Pique as Prince Charming?

  31. SoccerrLoverrr says:

    LMAAAAAAOOO! Oh kickette this made my day! I want tickets to ALL these movies :P

  32. Carvivlie says:

    The A Team is priceless. Love all of them. Hope the Kelly's are locked up again soon–this is brilliant!

  33. Wow says:

    ahahahahaHaHaha Kickette this is Genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. Jo_ says:

    Epic. The Point Break one may be my favourite but it's so hard to choose. Well done, Kellys.

  35. Alexandria Samuel says:

    Really? I had Mourinho down as Don Corleone :P

  36. mochara says:

    The point break one could actually be a real cover it's so realistic! My mom would love the Mourinho one (soo embarassing…)

  37. laligaforladies says:

    Love. For some reason I'm especially loving Thierry in Coming to America.

  38. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by kickette, (zɹǝʞunp) ∞ , Seya, gunnerarchitect, mysoccernews and others. mysoccernews said: alltop: The Sizzle Query: Footballers In Film: Image: Vavel.com. Once upon a time, (AKA shortly after the abomin… http://bit.ly/hM4OSB [...]

  39. gin_in_teacups says:

    Ohhhhhh my God. Can we all come work for you? These must have been so much fun to come up with. Mou as Bond is definitely my favorite, but these are all great! I think this ought to be a regular feature :-)

  40. emily says:

    brilliant.

  41. blake2108 says:

    Quite surprised you didn't turn Gareth Bale into King Kong or something….

  42. Laura says:

    hot especially number 1 ! i love them