February 11th, 2011
Footballers In Film: If Kickette Ran Hollywood
Once upon a time, (AKA shortly after the abomination that was SATC2), the internal Kickette crew ran out of acceptable movie options, forcing every last one of us (plus pets!) to hit the pubs hard. You may have even noticed, if you have actually been paying attention over the last couple of weeks, that our commitment to you has been in question due to our disorganized priorities. We’ve repeatedly (and pretty pathetically) blamed our abrupt shortage of stories – and ability to populate posts with properly spelled words and catchy phrases – on ‘slow news days’ and opted for featuring ‘distraction abs’ instead.
In order to let bygones be bygones (and overcome our lax posting habits), we locked two of our most..er…’creative’ minds in the Mayhem and Fruit Beverages Suite with only a computer, a packet of digestive biscuits and a photo of ‘Mourinho. Jose Mourinho’ from Spanish mag, Vavel. Kickette staffers Kelly & Kelly, (yes, there are two of them), were, as always, up for it.
Their task? Seek immediate alternative avenues of viewing entertainment for the office’s rainy day impromptu movie meetings.
And so, the Kickette Kellys had no choice but to throw their (near-empty) cocktails to the wind and soberly settle into a monumental “what if” affray of the adventurously-minded.
Twenty-six straight hours of photoshopping, four fist fights (no animals were harmed in the process) and a panicked telephone call to the fire dept later, they emerged. The fruits of their labours are below. Footballers as movie stars – the post. Please enjoy.
Oh, and if you’re paying enough attention to notice we haven’t been, you will see that we have played somewhat fast and loose with the term ‘movie’ here and there. We hope that you will forgive us.
10. Leo Messi as Mark Zuckerberg in “The Social Network”
If Cristiano could’ve won the Balon D’or…he would’ve.
9. Robbie Savage as Billie in “Glitter”
The life and times of a struggling footballer from the early days of push-up bras.
8. Joey Barton as Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein in “Casino”
Running across the pitch unmarked is like robbing a bank with no cops around. For guys like him, winning EPL matches washes away his sins. It’s like a morality car wash.
[Sidenote: the Kickette version of the movie will still have the most uses of the "F" word in a feature length film. We're traditionalists, folks.]
7. Thierry Henry as Price Akeem in “Coming to America”
He’s not just a man who has never tied his own shoes before, he’s a PRINCE who has never tied his shoes.
We tied our own shoes once. Believe us. It’s an overrated experience.
6. Fernando Torres as Face, Frank Lampard as Hannibal, John Terry as Howling Mad Murdock and Didier Drogba as BA Baracus in “The A-Team”
5. Edinson Cavani as Eric Draven in “The Crow”
A man who’s split ends were brutally butchered at the barber shop returns to the scene of the clipper crime to avenge his mane’s murder.
4. David Beckham as Tyler Durden in “Fight Club”
Mischief, mayhem and male aggression – starring an “everyman” who looks nothing like every other man.
3. Nemanja Vidic as Lucky Day, Rio Ferdidnand as Dusty Bottoms and Patrice Evra as Ned Nederlander in “Three Amigos”
Three defensive stars who are mistaken for real heroes by a small Mexican footballer (as played by Chicharito) must find a way to live up to that reputation.
2. Xabi Alonso as “The Incredible Hulk”
Within each of us, ofttimes, there dwells a mighty and raging fury. A fury that Kickette took so long to HHOF one’s fine arse.
1. Marco Borriello as Johnny Utah and Francesco Totti as Bodhi in “Point Break”
If you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It’s not tragic to injure one’s self flashing the body parts that all Kickettes love.