June 20th, 2011
Frank Lampard: Lord Of The Rings
Frank and Christine. Bitter? Us? Image: Getty Images/Daylife
The sanctity of marriage is one of the few social conventions we respect in this office. We believe every girl and boy has the right to a huge big fluffy dress, a pumpkin shaped carriage, a hugely handsome groom and a sister that keeps her superior posterior covered up, if they so want it. If they don’t, that’s cool too.
We could all just spend the present money on a party instead.
But despite our fantastically progressive attitude, we find ourselves watching the latest developments from Frank Lampard Towers through screwed up eyes and a more than generous sprinkling of discomfort. While we are thrilled to bits that Lampsy and Christine Bleakley have confirmed their engagement and issued a stream of squeaks and screeches that attracted dogs from several local boroughs when we saw the ring, we were unable to prevent the cynical, twisted areas of our minds from shooting down an uncomfortable path.
Frank was with Elen Rives for seven years. Although they were engaged, made plans to marry and had two beautiful little girls into the bargain, she never made it up the aisle with him. In fact, the only use the engagement ring got was to indicate whether she was peed off when he got busted for ‘having a drink’ with a lady in Las Vegas.
Elen says she fine about the whole engagement thing. But then you would, wouldn’t you?
To find oneself in this hideous position can only be to question why her, and not me? What has Chrissy Bleakley got that Elen Rives has not? A career? A rap sheet free of fashion terrorism offences? Or was she just fortunate enough to capture the man at a point in his life when he was ‘ready for commitment’?
We feel that examination of this question requires a little insight from those with field experience. Has this kind of thing ever happened to you, Kickettes? Did you behave with quiet but frazzled dignity, like Elen? Or was there a pair of scissors involved? Tell us.
We’ll bring the comfort cookies.
PS Congratulations, Frank & Christine. We are genuinely happy for you, even though we have used news of your nups to kick off a debate about your personal choices. We know you’ll understand.