June 20th, 2011

Frank Lampard: Lord Of The Rings

Frank and Christine. Bitter? Us? Image: Getty Images/Daylife

The sanctity of marriage is one of the few social conventions we respect in this office. We believe every girl and boy has the right to a huge big fluffy dress, a pumpkin shaped carriage, a hugely handsome groom and a sister that keeps her superior posterior covered up, if they so want it. If they don’t, that’s cool too.

We could all just spend the present money on a party instead.

But despite our fantastically progressive attitude, we find ourselves watching the latest developments from Frank Lampard Towers through screwed up eyes and a more than generous sprinkling of discomfort. While we are thrilled to bits that Lampsy and Christine Bleakley have confirmed their engagement and issued a stream of squeaks and screeches that attracted dogs from several local boroughs when we saw the ring, we were unable to prevent the cynical, twisted areas of our minds from shooting down an uncomfortable path.

Frank was with Elen Rives for seven years. Although they were engaged, made plans to marry and had two beautiful little girls into the bargain, she never made it up the aisle with him. In fact, the only use the engagement ring got was to indicate whether she was peed off when he got busted for ‘having a drink’ with a lady in Las Vegas.

Elen says she fine about the whole engagement thing. But then you would, wouldn’t you?

To find oneself in this hideous position can only be to question why her, and not me? What has Chrissy Bleakley got that Elen Rives has not? A career? A rap sheet free of fashion terrorism offences? Or was she just fortunate enough to capture the man at a point in his life when he was ‘ready for commitment’?

We feel that examination of this question requires a little insight from those with field experience. Has this kind of thing ever happened to you, Kickettes? Did you behave with quiet but frazzled dignity, like Elen? Or was there a pair of scissors involved? Tell us.

We’ll bring the comfort cookies.

PS Congratulations, Frank & Christine. We are genuinely happy for you, even though we have used news of your nups to kick off a debate about your personal choices. We know you’ll understand.

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20 Responses to “Frank Lampard: Lord Of The Rings”

  1. nisa says:

    Of course they seem lovey dovey Frank & Christine hasn't been together 7 years and they have not yet pass parenthood phase. show Elen some respect. she is a mom. I only hope all three of them could make it as co-parents for the sake of the much too young kids. and Elen, I really hope she could find a decent man and settel down.

  2. footieflu says:

    Yes it has happened to me…. and all I did was behave exactly like Elen and say "I have a massive crush on Rafa" and while she meant Rafa Nadal and I meant Rafa da Silva. :P
    Anyway as much as I love Frankie….. I am very happy for the both of them and I really do hope it does last. :)

  3. up the lads says:

    Poor old Elen. She blew it big time. Lamps is sweet-tempered, polite, well-dressed, well-spoken, rich as Croesus and pretty darn cute. From all reports, their relationship was "tempestuous" read angry and miserable. For him to split with her, despite his adoration for his daughters, it must have been baaadddd.

  4. up the lads says:

    Poor old Elen. She blew it big time. Lamps is sweet-tempered, polite, well-dressed, well-spoken, rich as Croesus and pretty darn cute. From all reports, their relationship was "tempestuous" read angry and miserable. For him to split with her, despite his adoration for his daughters, it must have been baaadddd.

    He does look much happier with his new fiance–best to them!

  5. i wish them both a good luck. As one of my favourite soccer players i wish him all the happiness he can get.

  6. Miss Lampard says:

    This man, Frankie, isn't born for the marriage. Yes he has tried to do it, but he failed, so maybe he could give her a ring with a super fantastic diamond, but this doesn't automatically signify he will marry her. Frank isn't like the others man (he hasn't marry Elen and stayed with her for 7 years and has Luna and Isla), so I'm not sure that he's so secure to marry Christine. However happy B-day sweet Frankie…

  7. They do look happy but Elen has to be a little heartbroken. Hard liquor and a radio station on speed dial to request any sad song by The Cranberries might help.

  8. xoWinnie says:

    i don't get it with this woman!
    she looks jaw-droppingly radiant and gorgeous in the above picture,
    like everything is seriously perfection!
    meanwhile, other times her face just has me going "WTF! FRANK!?"

    anyways, from a completely shallow perspective
    Elen was better looking imo, but Frank looks really happy with Christine!
    and i love him so i can't send them anything but well wishes!
    i hope this engagement doesn't become
    another statistic in failed pro-athlete relationships.

  9. Deedoodahday says:

    Urrrgh. She is SUCH a fish face. Annoying woman.

  10. suzie says:

    They've just got engaged not married (or did I miss something) so she hasn't succeeded where elen failed just yet. I will say though that if you've been together 7 years and you've been engaged for a big chunk of that but not made it up the aisle then there's obviously a reason for it, some problem in the relationship that you are unable to resolve. Better to not get married than to regret it later imo.

    • Thea says:

      I agree – think you can only count those who get a wedding ring on it – as we know from Forlan's recent tram smash, nothing is certain 'till the arrives! IKER AND SARA included xxxx

      • Rosa says:

        Even then, they could get a divorce a week later? Marriage means nothing IMO. Never understood why women are so eager to get married. Unless of course their aim is to get a big pay check when they eventually get divorced.

        • @DebStimson says:

          I can't speak for other countries but in the US a married woman/man have more "rights" than unmarried people. i.e. hospital visitation rights, social security, pensions, ability to cover the spouse on your health insurance plan, etc.

  11. Rosa says:

    Happy birthday, super Frank. 33 years old today <3

  12. Jess says:

    Congrats Frank & Chrsitine! I prefere them together then with Elen, Frank seems so much happier now with Christine & Of course his girls Luna & Isla…

  13. YoungChelsea says:

    Congratualtions to Frank and Christine, hope they make it all the way!!

  14. Rory says:


  15. Linda says:

    "We believe every girl and boy has the right…" – I'd hardly call that progressive. Try again. Happy Pride month….

    • Brixen says:

      It obviously wasn't meant to be taken as a slight! People need to stop being so sensitive.

    • I'm confused about how that's not consistent with Pride Month. Every gay boy and gay girl can still have the same wedding dream… even if it's with another boy or girl, respectively.

      I know I've dreamed of Lamps as my huge handsome groom many a time.