February 4th, 2011
Gary Neville & Edwin Van Der Sar: Retirement Plans
Gary and Edwin contemplate the news of Fernando Torres’ shock transfer to Chelsea. (Getty Images/Daylife)
In a typically tardy style, we would like to offer our congratulations to Manchester United’s Edwin Van Der Sar and Gary Neville, both of whom have announced their respective retirements from football in the last couple of weeks.
Edwin’s swansong will take place at the end of the current EPL season and in recent interviews he has hinted that he and his family may leave England in order to spend more time together after his wife AnneMarie’s stroke in 2009.
However, Gary’s retirement is with immediate effect and we thought it only proper to explore the benefits a man in his dotage can expect to receive when life as an elite footballer is over. Please join us.
Assuming that Gary has been paying his National Insurance contributions, he may be entitled to claim up to £97.55 a week in pension benefits. We think his first purchase ought to be a diary, enabling him to make a note of important dates and avoid embarrassing clashes.
Free Bus Pass
This will allow Gary to travel wherever he wants to go in England (off peak only, sadly). Since his footballing career has already afforded him the opportunity to travel around the country, we imagine Gary will use the opportunity to revisit the scene of some of his finest moments (left). He will therefore be pleased to learn that several buses leave Manchester bound for Liverpool every day. (Image via therepublikofmancunia.com)
Winter Fuel Allowance
Pensioners in England generally receive between £125-£400 to help pay for the extra heating fuel required in the bitter winters. As an enthusiastic environmentalist, we’re not sure that Gary will have much use for a payment that encourages the use of fossil fuels, especially since plans for his controversial new eco home include solar panels and a wind turbine, which will probably take care of his family’s heating requirements. Providing the council let him build it.
Fortunately, should his plans fail, Gary has access to the biggest generator of hot air in the North West (left). We’re sure that if asked nicely, Fergie and his hairdryer would be delighted to pop around for dinner.
Placing the snark to one side for a moment, we would like to offer our congratulations to both Gary and Edwin, who we’re sure will be massively missed at Manchester United.
Anything (nice) to add, Kickettes?