February 4th, 2011

Gary Neville & Edwin Van Der Sar: Retirement Plans

Gary and Edwin contemplate the news of Fernando Torres’ shock transfer to Chelsea. (Getty Images/Daylife)

In a typically tardy style, we would like to offer our congratulations to Manchester United’s Edwin Van Der Sar and Gary Neville, both of whom have announced their respective retirements from football in the last couple of weeks.

Edwin’s swansong will take place at the end of the current EPL season and in recent interviews he has hinted that he and his family may leave England in order to spend more time together after his wife AnneMarie’s stroke in 2009.

However, Gary’s retirement is with immediate effect and we thought it only proper to explore the benefits a man in his dotage can expect to receive when life as an elite footballer is over. Please join us.

State Pension

Assuming that Gary has been paying his National Insurance contributions, he may be entitled to claim up to £97.55 a week in pension benefits. We think his first purchase ought to be a diary, enabling him to make a note of important dates and avoid embarrassing clashes.

Free Bus Pass

This will allow Gary to travel wherever he wants to go in England (off peak only, sadly). Since his footballing career has already afforded him the opportunity to travel around the country, we imagine Gary will use the opportunity to revisit the scene of some of his finest moments (left). He will therefore be pleased to learn that several buses leave Manchester bound for Liverpool every day. (Image via therepublikofmancunia.com)

Winter Fuel Allowance

Pensioners in England generally receive between £125-£400 to help pay for the extra heating fuel required in the bitter winters. As an enthusiastic environmentalist, we’re not sure that Gary will have much use for a payment that encourages the use of fossil fuels, especially since plans for his controversial new eco home include solar panels and a wind turbine, which will probably take care of his family’s heating requirements. Providing the council let him build it.

Fortunately, should his plans fail, Gary has access to the biggest generator of hot air in the North West (left). We’re sure that if asked nicely, Fergie and his hairdryer would be delighted to pop around for dinner.

Placing the snark to one side for a moment, we would like to offer our congratulations to both Gary and Edwin, who we’re sure will be massively missed at Manchester United.

Anything (nice) to add, Kickettes?

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11 Responses to “Gary Neville & Edwin Van Der Sar: Retirement Plans”

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  2. Liv89 says:

    Btw……..they suck

  3. Liv89 says:

    Thank Goodness the shards is off our backs!

  4. GigiSantaCruz says:

    Great choice of pics x headline!!!

  5. BarceLisa says:

    I think Robbie Savage said it best (now there's a sentence I never thought I would type!) when he said City and Liverpool fans hate Gary Neville but if he was playing for them, with the same passion and dedication as he does for United, then they would love him too.

    Edwin is going to be a huge loss too. I remember watching him for the first time in the mid-90s on that great Ajax side. Its amazing to see all these years later he is still going strong.

    Both men were underrated hotties in my opinion. They have that everyman quality that you just don't get with Becks and the rest of the HHOF. I'm one of the few people that absolutely love Gary's faux-manchu.

    They were a big part of my youth and I'm just devastated to see guys like that leave. When Giggsy goes, then it will truly be the end of an era for me (knock on wood that doesn't happen for a while). Goodbye boys and thanks for all the great years of service.

  6. Missy Manchester says:

    Gary…If ever I accidentally wandered into a blue pub in Manchester…I know you'd save me. LOL

    Edwin…I trust you implicitly on the pitch. And it certainly seems like your wife can trust you off the pitch. You're a professional…a family man and hopefully…a soon-to-be MUFC Coach (after you take some time off).

    Thank you both for giving the Reds a reason to cheer game in/game out.

  7. Tricia says:

    Oh Edwin. *sigh* I really wish SAF had signed you earlier. But thanks for all the great memories, especially that save in Moscow. Wishing you and your family good health and happiness in the years to come.

    And Red Nev, you are a LEGEND. Not just a great servant to the club, but the biggest fan of United too. I hope you stick around and help raise the next generation of players who bleed true RED.

    • Gill says:

      Here here!! Neville has had an exemplary football career and always gave his best for us. I also love how he loved to wind up Liverpool fans at every opportunity- it's wrong, but damn, our rivalry is what it is!

      Great that he'll still be around the club to have an influence on the youngsters. Every club should hold onto their best servants.

    • Jo_ says:

      Couldn't say it any better. We'll miss them terribly.

  8. Summer says:

    I'll really miss you Gary, simply I will miss you so much, but I know very well that a dream, although it could be very beautiful, fantastic, wonderful, magic, incredible, I know that it can't last forever…And you are always been, and you are like a dream Gary. I'm not a United fan, but I really admired you like a footballer, like a captain and like a man. Gary Neville has always been a man who has followed his dreams, and I hope that he can continue to do this. Best luck for his future!

  9. blake2108 says:

    As a United fan myself, I want to say that they are/were great servants to the club, and will always be remembered by me, and fellow United fans worldwide.

    Disappointed Kickette never bothered to upload a shirtless pic of Gary though. I thought that was your sort of thing…