March 23rd, 2012
Good Week/Bad Week: Burns, Breaks & Suspicious Looking Bunnies
According to DC’s Director of Marketing Communications, Kyle Sheldon, the creature on the left is a bunny. Which only makes sense if you’ve seen the dog and cat. Image via kckrs.
When leaving the bathroom in a nightclub or bar, please ensure that your skirt isn’t tucked into your undies and your shoes aren’t trailing 18 feet of toilet roll.
If you see anyone over the weekend sporting one or both of these looks, move slowly away. You’ve just met a Kickette staffer.
Small & Squishy Creatures: A cuddly toy is an ideal receptacle for smuggling contraband cake into controlled environments, so props to D.C. United, whose recently launched line of branded toys (once all the stuffing has been ripped out) should provide an almost perfect cupcake sized aperture. We’ll let you know how they work once we’ve gym tested them.
Faithful Friends & Fans: With tributes pouring in from around the world all week, we’re thrilled to be able to tell you that Fabrice Muamba is on the road to recovery. The Bolton midfielder, who collapsed during Bolton’s FA Cup fixture vs. Spurs last Sunday, has spent the week in hospital but his family have issued a statement thanking everybody for their support and confirming he is making great progress, although he has a long way to go.
Kickette Island Tater Tots: Our suspicions that Real Madrid are surreptitiously reading our site and stealing our brilliant ideas were confirmed yesterday when the club announced plans to build a Kickette Island style resort in the UAE. Obviously we’ve instructed our lawyers to sue their backsides off, but we’re prepared to forgive them if they bear the cost of building the damn thing and offer us lifetime VIP accommodation.
Darren Mattocks (l) needs a personal chef. Any volunteers? Image: Jamie Squire/Getty Images.
Chef Duff: Although the Da Silva twins made a fairly decent fist of Pancake Day, our general opinion is that footballers should rely on takeaways for sustenance. Either that or get a personal chef. This sentiment was proved correct this week by Vancouver Whitecaps striker Darren Mattocks, who had to go to hospital after burning his arm and shoulder while cooking dinner. A team spokesmen described the incident as “unfortunate” but seemed no more clued up as to what actually happened than we are.
Not-So-Nice Touch: Wayne Rooney has apologised to a nine-year-old boy who broke his wrist while acting as an involuntary shot shopper prior to the Wolves game. Jamie Thomas was sitting behind the goal watching Wazza-Muffin practice, when a ball travelling at approximately 900mph passed the goalpost and hit his arm. The player tweeted the apology, then confirmed he’d arranged for a signed shirt and card to be sent to Jamie, who is presumably extremely grateful he is not six inches shorter.
Cut It With The Cancer Sticks: Defender Fabio Coentrao has angered the Spanish press by getting caught smoking outside his own birthday party. While smoking is, in fact, evil and wrong, compared to other examples of footballer bad behaviour lately, were pretty sure we’ll find it in our hearts to forgive him.
Over and out, girls and boys!