May 25th, 2012
Good Week/Bad Week: Kisses & Misses
Images: REUTERS/Eloy Alonso, Matt Cardy/Getty Images.
And finally, three hours after the rest of the competitors have dragged themselves over the week’s finishing line, Kickette staffers wheeze their way into the final straight.
Only a few more steps to go. Cheers us on, would you?
Marmite Man: Juan Mata got a mixed reception when attended a ceremony in his home town of Oviedo this week. Mama Mata was there to see a park named after her delicious son, which we’re choosing to focus on. However, you should know that a small child cried when his mother handed him to the midfielder for a photo opp. That’s ok, kid. We’d scream if he tried to give us away, too.
Boundless Optimism: Sepp Blatter has asked Franz Beckenbauer to “look at alternatives” to the penalty shoot out to decide the outcome of future tournaments. We’re anticipating a very positive response to our suggestion of ‘Thigh-Off’.
Hello Down There!: Having spent the last couple of seasons languishing down the back of the Manchester United sofa, Dimitar Berbatov is apparently about to be thrown a lifeline by Paris St Germain. His agent has asked the Ligue 1 side to “firm up” their interest in the striker, after they engaged in a little light flirtation in the January transfer window.
Villa Out: Despite innumerable sacrifices to the God of Hot, it has been confirmed that David Villa will not be available to play for Spain in the EUROs. Daveeed, whose bitchfacing and bubba brandishing are staples of major tournament football, has failed to recover from the fractured tibia he sustained last December. Over to you, Fernando.
Ruddy Hell: Goalkeeper John Ruddy is out of the England squad after breaking his finger. To make matters worse, it’s his ring finger, which will make his wedding to Laura Smith next Saturday all the more entertaining. Good luck to both, it sounds like they’re going to need it.
Relatively Apalling: The Walcott & Oxlade-Chamberlain families have announced that they will not be making the trip to watch their boys perform at the EUROs after receiving warnings about the possibility of encountering racism in Poland/Ukraine. The British Foreign Office has advised that “travellers of Asian or Afro-Caribbean descent… should take extra care.”