June 15th, 2010
Heckler Haterade: Snappy Answers To Footy Fan One-Liners
Image via Rex.
Do you find yourself imitating Cheryl Cole’s pre-divorce “bitch, please” face whenever you’re out watching a match? We can help.
As any female footy fan knows, venturing forth from our well-decorated nests to a bar to enjoy the World Cup isn’t always… easy. No, not because we can’t decide which heels to wear.
We’re talking about having to deal with the ‘traditional’ football fan. Generally found traveling in sweaty packs, these guys strongly believe women shouldn’t be at the pub watching the game, and should remain in the kitchen at all times.
Sure, the modern male pub-goer is often happy to engage in a bit of good-natured banter – and we sincerely hope your local is full of reconstructed males (no, not the ones who came up with this). But if not, why not print off and consult our handy guide, below:
Heckler Haterade #1: You’re only watching it because you fancy the players.
Your response: A choice here. If your heckler is sufficiently repugnant (and let’s face it, they usually are) a pointed glance around the room, followed by a ‘Not much else on offer in here, is there?’ will suffice.
Your response, option B: ‘We’re merely following our evolutionary drives. You, on the other hand, have absolutely no idea why you’re standing in a bar with a polyester shirt stretched across your expansive beer belly, cheering on a bunch of guys who earn more in ten minutes than you do in a week. Now hurry along back to your friends.’
Heckler Haterade #2: Call yourself a fan? I bet you don’t even go to the games.
Your response: ‘Haven’t you heard? The game’s moved on, mate, and people support their teams in a lot of different ways. I suppose, with you being a traditionalist and all, that you also an advocate the pig’s bladder being used as a ball? Do tell, how’s that working out for you?’ Alternatively, “You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny,” also can be used.
Heckler Haterade #3: Women fans are just glory hunters. I bet you’re a Chelsea/Arsenal/Man Utd/Barcelona/whothehellcares FC fan.
Your response: ‘I know. Sad isn’t it? I appear to have been sucked into a sinister media marketing conspiracy. I must phone my Mum and reprimand her for the crap job she did in raising me. Thank you! ‘
Heckler Haterade #4: I’ll bet you don’t even know the offside rule, do you?
Your response: ‘Is that seriously the best you can come up with? Seriously? You’ve had all evening, several drinks and if your jeans are anything to go by, have lost a bet with a tramp. For some asinine reason, your liquid courage has declared this moment as your time to shine – to embarrass or humiliate a woman in an attempt to erase the thought of losing that bet to that tawdry tramp and avoid crying yourself to sleep tonight. You, sir, are a hero for all footy fans who have incompetent reproductive parts. Kudos!’
Heckler Haterade #5: You’re not going to start crying if they lose, are you, love?
Your response: ‘No… the only thing that’s going to make me cry around here, sweetie pie, is your body odour. ’
Heckler Haterade #6: Cheer up, luv, it might never happen!
Your response: ‘You know, I really hoped it wouldn’t. I really hoped I might be able to enjoy an evening with my friends, watch the game and have a few drinks. But no. It happened. You arrived. Nice one.’
Heckler Haterade #7: Shouldn’t you be behind the bar, pulling the pints, darlin?
Your response: ‘Funny you should say that, but I used to work in a bar. I got sacked for serving drunk guys “sneezers” when they pissed me off. Can I fetch you a lager?’
Heckler Haterade #8: Nice Gerro jersey. Betcha don’t know where he went to primary school.
Your response:‘ Oh! A quiz game to see whose brain is the most adept at collecting useless information and then utilizing that information to make oneself feel superior and mask the fact they’re a total asshat. *Pause for effect and stare deeply into his eyes.* No, dammit, you got me. You win!’
Heckler Haterade #9: I bet you don’t even know who number 14 is.
Your response: ‘You know, you should be careful. Counting that high can be detrimental to your physical health. This one time, this guy’s penis fell off after hitting double digits to try and prove a dumbo point. True story.’
Heckler Haterade #10: Are we on a break from shopping?
Your response: ‘You clearly are. Deodorant shop closed, was it?’
Heckler Haterade #11: Which APP told you to come here?
Your response: ‘Oh, it’s this new one I just found, MoronHunter v2.0? Do you know it?’
Have we missed any of the usual lines you’ve heard? Do tell, Kickettes!