June 15th, 2010

Heckler Haterade: Snappy Answers To Footy Fan One-Liners

Image via Rex.

Do you find yourself imitating Cheryl Cole’s pre-divorce “bitch, please” face whenever you’re out watching a match? We can help.

As any female footy fan knows, venturing forth from our well-decorated nests to a bar to enjoy the World Cup isn’t always… easy.  No, not because we can’t decide which heels to wear.

We’re talking about having to deal with the ‘traditional’ football fan. Generally found traveling in sweaty packs, these guys strongly believe women shouldn’t be at the pub watching the game, and should remain in the kitchen at all times.

Sure, the modern male pub-goer is often happy to engage in a bit of good-natured banter – and we sincerely hope your local is full of reconstructed males (no, not the ones who came up with this). But if not, why not print off and consult our handy guide, below:

Heckler Haterade #1: You’re only watching it because you fancy the players.

Your response: A choice here. If your heckler is sufficiently repugnant (and let’s face it, they usually are) a pointed glance around the room, followed by a ‘Not much else on offer in here, is there?’ will suffice.

Your response, option B: ‘We’re merely following our evolutionary drives. You, on the other hand, have absolutely no idea why you’re standing in a bar with a polyester shirt stretched across your expansive beer belly, cheering on a bunch of guys who earn more in ten minutes than you do in a week. Now hurry along back to your friends.’

Heckler Haterade #2: Call yourself a fan? I bet you don’t even go to the games.

Your response: ‘Haven’t you heard? The game’s moved on, mate, and people support their teams in a lot of different ways. I suppose, with you being a traditionalist and all, that you also an advocate the pig’s bladder being used as a ball? Do tell, how’s that working out for you?’ Alternatively, “You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny,” also can be used.

Heckler Haterade #3: Women fans are just glory hunters. I bet you’re a Chelsea/Arsenal/Man Utd/Barcelona/whothehellcares FC fan.

Your response: ‘I know. Sad isn’t it? I appear to have been sucked into a sinister media marketing conspiracy. I must phone my Mum and reprimand her for the crap job she did in raising me. Thank you! ‘

Heckler Haterade #4: I’ll bet you don’t even know the offside rule, do you?

Your response: ‘Is that seriously the best you can come up with? Seriously? You’ve had all evening, several drinks and if your jeans are anything to go by, have lost a bet with a tramp. For some asinine reason, your liquid courage has declared this moment as your time to shine – to embarrass or humiliate a woman in an attempt to erase the thought of losing that bet to that tawdry tramp and avoid crying yourself to sleep tonight. You, sir, are a hero for all footy fans who have incompetent reproductive parts. Kudos!’

Heckler Haterade #5: You’re not going to start crying if they lose, are you, love?

Your response: ‘No… the only thing that’s going to make me cry around here, sweetie pie, is your body odour. ’

Heckler Haterade #6: Cheer up, luv, it might never happen!

Your response: ‘You know, I really hoped it wouldn’t. I really hoped I might be able to enjoy an evening with my friends, watch the game and have a few drinks. But no. It happened. You arrived. Nice one.’

Heckler Haterade #7: Shouldn’t you be behind the bar, pulling the pints, darlin?

Your response: ‘Funny you should say that, but I used to work in a bar. I got sacked for serving drunk guys “sneezers” when they pissed me off. Can I fetch you a lager?’

Heckler Haterade #8: Nice Gerro jersey. Betcha don’t know where he went to primary school.

Your response:‘ Oh! A quiz game to see whose brain is the most adept at collecting useless information and then utilizing that information to make oneself feel superior and mask the fact they’re a total asshat.  *Pause for effect and stare deeply into his eyes.* No, dammit, you got me. You win!’

Heckler Haterade #9: I bet you don’t even know who number 14 is.

Your response: ‘You know, you should be careful. Counting that high can be detrimental to your physical health. This one time, this guy’s penis fell off after hitting double digits to try and prove a dumbo point. True story.’

Heckler Haterade #10: Are we on a break from shopping?

Your response: ‘You clearly are. Deodorant shop closed, was it?’

Heckler Haterade #11: Which APP told you to come here?

Your response: ‘Oh, it’s this new one I just found, MoronHunter v2.0? Do you know it?’

Have we missed any of the usual lines you’ve heard? Do tell, Kickettes!

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50 Responses to “Heckler Haterade: Snappy Answers To Footy Fan One-Liners”

  1. Claire Grantham says:

    These are fantastic – I had a good one last week –

    'Why are you here? You women know nothing about football' My response ladies was swift 'think I do fatso, my adopted brother is a premiership referee'

    Funnily enough he just walked away?!

  2. Hiran says:

    hey all football freaks here goes an other blog on the mighty interest of my trivia check out this Football Quiz

  3. ^^K^^ says:

    These are brilliant. :D I've found, like some of the other girls said, that once the guy that's harrassing you realizes that you know more about the team/game than they do they either shut up pretty quickly or change their attitude. Doesn't mean that it's acceptable for a guy to question your dedication to your team just because of your gender though. >:(

    Need to keep that Gollum response in mind ;)

  4. elly says:

    Around here, footy fans are rare but once in awhile I get the occasional douchebag. Usually some gross dude who usually insinuates that I don't know my ass from my elbow. My general reaction is to tell them that not only do I watch but I also play and I would be happy to challenge them to a game but I don't know CPR so when they pass out after 5 minutes, they're on their own.

  5. Zlatanista says:

    I guess we have come along way in Sweden when it comes to gender equality. I have never been “harassed” like that watching a game in a pub/bar.

    But sometimes when you are discussing football in other situations, at work for instance, i get a feeling that people (guys) don´t really think that you are serious. That makes me mad! Just because your a grown-up, married woman with kids and a career, it doesn´t mean that you can´t be seriously interested in football. Or any other sport for that matter. No one ever questions a mans dedication.

    Anyway, awesome post! Funny as always.

  6. ami says:

    i generally just get curious looks when watching a match out. though i have experienced the assumption that as a girl, in the US, i must only know about the existence of Chelsea, Man Utd and Arsenal…the most recent accusation as such was during the bayern/lyon champions league semifinal.

    any advice on how to cope with rabid USA fans?

    i sound like a bad american. i’m not, really! overzealous fans of any other nation are at least entertaining, here they get a little too “USA! USA!” chanting intense without even knowing anything about anything.

  7. Erin says:

    Ha!! Those are very funny. Can’t say I’ve ever needed them. If you know your football, it becomes clear pretty quickly. There may be a bit of banter about rivalries, but never the “you’re a girl, you don’t know what you’re talking about”. But then, I’m also tall and mean. ;)

    • nicki says:

      I agree, I find as soon as I start talking and they realize I know what I am talking about I usually just get impressed looks and friendly banter.

  8. Rusty (Mrs Clemens Fritz) says:

    The only hecklers who have bothered me are Liverpool fans, when they were playing Chelsea.

    • Erin says:

      The only time I've ever been physically threatened was by Chelsea fans at Stamford Bridge, when we (Liverpool) played there. Sadly, there are a-hole supporters of every team. But I think they're the minority.

      • Rusty (Mrs Clemens Fritz) says:

        yeah, so I guess my point is that people don’t care how much I know about football!

  9. freddiegirl says:

    I agree with Fourth Official. I’ve never had any problems here in Los Angeles. My local is a great place and everyone is nice. I’m more likely to get into lively discussions with Chelsea or ManU fans because I’m an Arsenal fan, not because they think I’m a brainless fan. Everyone is pretty friendly. It’s in London where I’ve encountered rude fans unfortunatley. Usually after a few minutes of banter it’s ok as they can tell I’m not unknowledgable about the game.

  10. [...] Heckler Haterade: Snappy Answers To Footy Fan One-Liners … [...]

  11. aristeia says:

    This will also come in handy on the internet… where the socially retarded have the balls to speak their cobwebby minds.

    I’m supremely comfortable in the fact that I can watch the game & understand, and drool over manflesh simultaneously. Makes being a hetero female sports fan so deliciously awesome.

  12. Maria V says:

    Oh my days!! This is awesome!!! Just today someone told me to go wash some plates and stop supporting teams with pretty guys on it!!! I’m still fuming!!!
    Thank you for this!

  13. Mona says:

    Oh my goodness these are superb!! Especially in NJ where I have to fight off a lot of scum off at the new, beautiful stadium in Harrison. In fact, I wish for US vs. England rematch so I can have MY rematch against said scum.

    I suggest another alternative to #2: "Your mother's a whore and your father holds the cash"

    In all seriousness ladies, be safe & don't stand down or feel insecure about loving or watching the "Beautiful Game". Remember the great words of the original SUPER Wag: "Girl Power"! (V. Beckham nee Adams)

  14. tammyv says:

    I go through this all the time… I find initally that most guys (especially Brits) think that A.) American B.) Female means I know nothing about the game beyond Beckham is hot in his underwear.

    Generally I find answering that with "I thought he was a idiot even when he had pink nails, wore skirts, had cornrows and thought he was gangsta." Generally they look at me in shock as they suddenly remember those glory years.

    Then I go on to crush them soccer egos with facts, stats and then through in a x-player is adorable just to confuse them

  15. izzy says:

    In a NYC bar during champions league final (the weekend of my bachelorette party)

    British Guys: "Oh you're a manchester fan, figures most of you americans are"

    Me: (In full bachelorette gear no less) "Well I could stand here giving you a run down of the clubs history to prove why i'm a real fan but I'd rather watch and see who wins the fucking game instead."

    British Guys: "Need a drink"

    Arg. To give them credit I'm a tad bit of a flirt and often start the footy convos with the boys…especially if they have british accents. But most of the time the boys look me up and down and as soon as they here what comes out of my mouth during the game they forget there watching with a girl. I'm usually the only girl at the bar I watch most of my games at.

  16. EternalDreamer says:

    Haha. I had to laugh at this! I do have to say though quite honestly, I am not the most knowledgeable about football, although I don't have any footy-loving friends at the ready I am always looking something up if confused since in the past few years I have started to get into it :-) . Don't judge those girls who are actually interested in the sport, but may not be the die-hard fan/the most knowledgeable! We try!

  17. elnino says:

    These are wonderful!! Thanks Kickette!! I get #1 alot and used to opt for a simple “no..” but now I soooo need to try that glance around the room! I’m also gonna use “You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny” for any other annoyances!

  18. MrsYoann says:

    And we were just discussing how limited the guys’ brains are as compared to us! Its so annoying when it doesnt register in their peanut sized brains that we understand football -_-”

    We’re females, your lives revolve around us, and we can do anything 3 times better than you.

  19. Molly says:

    OMG I said #1, option A to a few lads in a pub once in Ireland hahahaha. Bringing back great memories, thanks Kickette. These are all great. I had a great laugh!

  20. juventina says:

    OMG THESE ARE AMAZING!!!! bahahahahahaa made my day! I actually had to deal with a few of these assholes! Love you guys for this gem :)

  21. MrsC says:

    I stunned all the lads at the pub with my football knowledge, and had them buying me drinks! I did get told off by the landlord for objectifying players, and I said it was all fair, he’d been staring at my boobs for an hour.

  22. Natnova says:

    Haha….wonderful Kickette!!

    I just love #1…..even though i do watch it for the guys….could someone tell me the other reasons???


    • Linda (Gooner till I says:

      Nice, Kickette :)

      but I love the game, therefore I know the rules perfectly. I have never had any problems with football knowledge.

  23. LizB (Mrs. Vucinic) says:

    lol, fantastic!

  24. Jelly Bean says:

    Fabulous – I work in a bar and was wondering how to shut up the ignorant sods. #1 will be the most useful, and I also love "100% of sober women think you look like Gollum". That one will really come in handy!

  25. Iris says:

    I always meet this kind of guys who say women shouldn't watch football and don't understand the game. It's terrible! Usually i just want to hit them, but I laughed so hard at this one “You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny”. SO I think I'm gonna use that one from now on. ;)

  26. Venice says:

    This is like a scene in Gilmore Girls LOL But does life really work like that? :-P

    I've never been bothered. If I'm in a pub for the match, I'm there with friends. If some smartass questions my presence, I usually leave it to my friends to disprove them – always more convincing, and I don't have to explain myself to anyone. If he's drunk and obnoxious, then I'm dealing like with any other drunk and obnoxious person. Definitely not getting in a discussion.

    Sometimes well-meaning guys automatically assume I don't know much and take it upon myself to educate me. I don't argue, I accept the conversation and subtly let them know I know more than they think. Got a some free drinks that way as well ;-)

  27. Starsarella says:

    i love you ladies. i cant tell you how much i really jus want to punch these ignorant fools in the face. i'll use my words now HAHA

  28. Ella says:

    Hilarious post! I can't believe some guys try to pull this crap. I've never experienced it first hand, if I love a sport (soccer or basketball) I tend to learn everything I can about it, so I can typically hold my own in any related conversation.

  29. Jessi says:

    it seems like everyone is a footy fan in the us now. so whenever someone starts talking trash about one of my favourite players i just tell them when they've watched more than one game then they can give me their opinion. typically shuts them up quite quickly.

    other than that i haven't had horrible experiences with guys in pubs. i've been known to leave work and go to the pub to watch soccer. being a girl in a pub alone in a jersey in the middle of the day, i guess that demands a bit of respect (or a sign that i have a serious drinking problem).

    • MissEstonia says:

      I know exactly what you mean. All of a sudden, I am surrounded by all these football experts who, last week, were moaning about how the Celtics were sucking butt in the NBA finals. Either that or how "godlike" Strasbourg, the new Nationals pitcher is. And they try to tell me facts about the matches or the players and I'm like, sweetie, shut your mouth. You look like a trout.

      Yes, I shamelessly quote-steal from The Office. But it works.

    • Mona says:

      " being a girl in a pub alone in a jersey in the middle of the day, i guess that demands a bit of respect (or a sign that i have a serious drinking problem)."

      OMG thats me too!!

  30. Amanda says:

    Love this post! I think regardless of if you know your footy inside out or are new to the game there will always be men that think women shoudln't be there and judge them at face value. Sometimes you never even get a chance to show your footy knowledge before they're on at you.

  31. HJ says:

    deffo #1!I hate that!

  32. LuvinBale says:

    "I bet you don't even know the offside rule, do ya?"

    my response: why should I bother knowing it when the refs obviously don't know it either.

    *I refer you to three commentators on ESPN trying to figure out if a player was off sides during the Mexico vs S Africa game*

    as I said before if they can't figure it out then why should I.

  33. fcbotanical says:

    heckle- take yer top off. (seriously, this happened.)

    i replied with an icy stare, but wished i'd said something about slovenly drunkard's own prodigious manboobs.

    • Missy Manchester says:

      LMAO!! I got a similar comment once…(Hey! Are you naked under those clothes?) I thought it was a pretty good one…it shut me up and that’s no easy feat!

      I wished I had a good comeback as soon as he said it…but alas…the retort didn’t crystallize until hours after…here’s what I WOULD have said had it occurred to me at the time:

      Q. Are you naked under those clothes?
      A. Not really. I have a tattoo that says “If found…please return to Prison Psychiatric Ward.”

  34. I don't know. :-/ I've never been bothered by hecklers in a pub and always have been able to engage in banter and decent football conversation. If you come across as a brainless fan girl, you deserve everything you get, as far as I'm concerned.

  35. Missy Manchester says:

    Dearest Kickette:

    Although I agree with all your suggested responses, I fear many of them may be too elaborate considering the target audience. (i.e., glaze-eyed, loud-mouthed, ritalin-deprived, neanderthalic nimrods) I think the best responses to those heckler comments are best served sharp and crisp.

    For example,


    You're only watching because you fancy the players.


    Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't realize I was mowing your lawn!



    I'll bet you don't even know (insert irrelevant factoid here).


    I'll bet you don't know 100% of all sober women think you look like Gollum.

    • Angharad says:

      I’ll bet you don’t know 100% of all sober women think you look like Gollum.

      Good one! I'll have to remember that one.

    • izzy says:

      LOL, I almost spit my beer out reading the Gollum comment! Love it.