November 23rd, 2011

How To Please Her: Abbey Crouch

Ya know, we’ve always been fond of Abbey Crouch (née Clancy) and her ability to look drunk off her ass without a hair or hem out of place. It’s a skill set we can only dream of adopting sometime before we’re eligible for senior citizenship.

So naturally, once this week’s issue of The Journal was delivered to our inboxes with shouty blurbs about Abbey restyling her fam (husband/Stoke City player, Peter, brother/Fleetwood City FC footballer, Sean and brother/aspiring musician, John) we and our post-dinner glasses of Port just had to dive right in and get all the juicy deets while they were still hot off the press.

In the feature, which is entitled ‘The Details: How To Please Her’, Abbey tells guys to look “expensive, like “they smell amazing” even if they don’t, and to “embrace their age” all whilst wearing “a good crisp white shirt, a nice blazer, a pair of Italian brogues or loafers and a roll neck.”

Sound advice if we ever heard it.

She goes on to mock Peter’s wardrobe prior to her forcing a woman’s touch on his closet:

“It was pretty bad to be honest; half-mast jeans, white socks, trainers with the laces tied so tight the sides were almost touching and a V-neck jumper,” Clancy said. “He completely denies this by the way, but I’ll never forget it. He’d been living on his own for quite a while and had no female input and it showed!”

“…I’ve slowly tweaked him into what I think suits him and what I like a man to wear. He’s become a lot more fashion conscious in the past couple of years.”

Ironically, Abbey’s husband “hates shopping” and walks behind her like “a stray dog” when she manages to drag him to Zara. Well then, how come we never see Peter leaving the house naked?

“I tend to just do it [shop] for him.”

Does this mean we can expect to see Peter prancing around on some luxurious foreign beach in an itsy bitsy animal print string bikini anytime soon?

“I have influence, but it only goes so far. Peter likes to make his own decisions. If I tell him to wear something, like a rollneck, he’ll refuse and then six weeks later might just start wearing it.”

Please Abbey, in the name of all things holy, do not allow your man to take any beachwear ideas from you/us. We guarantee that it will not end well for anyone.

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10 Responses to “How To Please Her: Abbey Crouch”

  1. I wonder if it works for A-cup gals too…?

  2. sıla says:


  3. DrStrangelove says:

    That Sean is a bit of alright, isn't he?

  4. GaiaBale says:

    I’m not always a fan of her style to be honest but i think she made a great work on her husband’s one. And i totally agree on the “dress your age” input cause lately it’s been a very difficult one to get (you know, middle aged stars acting like they’re still 20 and less-then-20 y.o. ones looking 10 years older). Plus, she’s a truly gorgeous woman.

  5. Meisme says:

    How to please her: don't cheat on her with a prostitute.

  6. HoneyBee says:

    Abbey tells guys to look expensive"-well we all know that's why she started dating him and that's why she decided to continue being his doormat….And who on earth wants fashion advices from the girl who flashed her boobs at her own wedding,tends to wear transparent dresses,and pulls her dress with her hand to expose her knickers when she gets drunk(Kickette managed to show only picture of her not showing her knickers that evening).

    • mata says:

      Yup, you said it. And with bags of money can't manage to touch up her black roots either.

    • xoWinnie says:

      i understand what you're saying, but i seriously doubt she
      "flashed her boobs at her own wedding" on purpose.
      it looked like a wardrobe malfunction. those DO happen to people you know,
      even the more attention-seeking ones.

  7. Catie2838 says:

    Ya know, Crouchy's never been my type, but he is looking rather dapper in these pics. Well done, Abby! I have to say, I love her outfit and wholeheartedly agree with her on dressing your age. And honestly, would you rather wear what Abby's wearing, or what you wore when you were 17?