June 3rd, 2009

Footballer Fantasy: Who Would You Be?

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This post is brought to you from Daryl over at The Offside. Please welcome him with an air kiss and a firm squeeze of his biceps.

From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a professional footballer: fame, fast cars, women, money. Lots and lots of money. Oh, and football. Mustn’t forget the football.

The one small problem with this ambition is that I was never even close to being good enough. So, my only hope for professional footballer-dom lies in some sort of mysterious Freaky Friday-style body swap. Not sure exactly how it would happen, I’m assuming some sort of lightning strike. But when it finally does, which player would I like to wake up as?

Let’s start with David Beckham. Old Goldenballs’ life looks mighty appealing on the surface. He’s possibly the most famous man in the world after Barack Obama. But there’s such a thing as being too well known, and every Becks blessing is also a bit of a curse. For example…

Becks has 100+ England caps and all the money you could ever want, but his footballing days are numbered and what could I possibly buy that he doesn’t already own? Sure, he’s friends with movie stars and girls seem to like him. But said movie star friend is Tom Cruise, and what use is being ladybait if you’re married to Posh Spice with no chance of parole? So, sadly, I’ll pass.

Next up: Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s got the skillz to pay the billz, and seems to work plenty of suntan and lady time into his schedule. Plus he’s already so despised for his arrogance that being C-Ron would be a great chance to unleash my dormant dark-side by accepting that a certain section of people are always going to hate you and just going balls out 100% bad boy.

Plan would be as follows: Show no respect for anyone ever again because I am the C-Ron now and I don’t have to. See how much partying you can do before Fergie gets upset enough to mention it. Forget about winning football matches, just target one full-back and set out to make him cry before 90 minutes is up.

And, if a member of the press or public asks a question simply respond with “I only talk to millionaires, not normals like you. Now where’s that group of hookers I hired…?” I’m genuinely scared of what I’d become in C-Ron’s shoes. Maybe not a good idea then.

How about nice guy Leo Messi? All the skills of C-Ron (and maybe more) but universally loved. I could enjoy his career with Barca & Argentina (which has well over a decade and multiple medals still left to run) and be nice to everyone I meet along the way.

Only downside is his size. I’m not sure I could handle being 5’7” all of a sudden. Not just because reaching things would suddenly require asking for help, but because everyone seems to view little Lionel as a cute little child.

I’m sure he does fine with the ladies, but I’ll bet he’s heard the “oh, I saw us more as friends” speech more than once. Or at least he did before he was famous. And even when drunk, he seems more like a dizzy toddler who wants a lollipop than anything else. I reserve the right to get proper drunk like a proper man.

Speaking of which… I think given the choice, I’d be Stevie Gerrard. And here’s why: He’s at the peak of his career, playing for a team he loves, and – maybe most importantly – still has that one big ambition of leading Liverpool to the Premier League title left to fulfill. Nothing like having a purpose in life. The man’s got money and celebrity, but still dresses like regular people, and is married to the one über- WAG (learned that word while writing this, btw) everyone seems to agree is actually quite agreeable. [Ed note: Alex Gerrard has come a long way, huh Kickettes?]

Last but definitely not least, Stevie’s comically low hairline is the closest thing mother nature offers as a cast-iron guarantee against baldness in later life.

We doubt there is anyone out there that loves the beautiful game and doesn’t know The Offside and their stellar group of footy blogs. We have a soft spot for the crew at TO, as they were one of the first sites to show Kickette love back in the day when we had frizzy perms and court shoes. Make sure you visit them on a daily basis! (Of course, the World Cup Blog is the place to go if you’re having withdrawal symptoms from the big NT games – get all your updates there.)

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42 Responses to “Footballer Fantasy: Who Would You Be?”

  1. 'TorresNubianQu says:

    it would be between Torres aka mr sexyback or Henry a.k.a. chocolate sensation….Theyre both down to earth fellas and there my 2 fav ballers ;-)

  2. Genevieve Gourcuff says:

    I'd be Yoann Gourcuff so I could just look at myself in the mirror all day long…

  3. Nina (Mrs Gerrard) says:

    I think I would be Pepe Reina. That guy is just awesome: funny, kind, nice and pretty damn good goalkepper. I'm sure he's also a great friend and someone in whose company you're never bored. But the Stevie choice is nice too :)

  4. Laurie says:

    It is absolutely killing me that my laptop is dead this week sod I can’t skype Daryl and harrass him mercilessly about his biceps. :-)

  5. Venice says:

    Andrei Arshavin can be whatever he wants to be in this life! Good choice Sarah ok

    It would be cool to be someone universally awesome like Maldini.
    Otherwise, I’d like to be a manager too.

  6. Dreamgirl says:

    I must admit that under the heading 'Footballer Fantasy' I would not expect to be asked to change into a baller. My footballer fantasies are quite different.

  7. FernieT says:

    haha! I want to be Sergio Ramos. The man purse, the hair, and just everything about him. also, i’d see casillas everyday!

  8. Didi says:

    Defenatly Yoann Gourcuff or Stevie G. I`d be derpressed if I`d be Xabi though, I`d suffer like that Narcissus lad.

  9. Becca says:

    If i was a footballer i'd wanna JT cos he gets cuddles from lamps all the time ;) x

  10. The Fourth Official says:

    I'll<span class="wbr"></span> give<span class="wbr"></span> Daryl's<span class="wbr"></span> biceps<span class="wbr"></span> a<span class="wbr"></span> squeeze<span class="wbr"></span> too.<span class="wbr"></span> Oh,<span class="wbr"></span> nice!<span class="wbr"></span> Daryl,<span class="wbr"></span> you've<span class="wbr"></span> been<span class="wbr"></span> working<span class="wbr"></span> out!<span class="wbr"></span> <img src="http://staticak.fluxstatic.com/-/Clients/Common/Img/RTE/smiley/alpha/sun.gif&quot; alt="sun" title="sun" width="22" height="22"> <span class="wbr"></span> Despite<span class="wbr"></span> my<span class="wbr"></span> love<span class="wbr"></span> for<span class="wbr"></span> a<span class="wbr"></span> certain<span class="wbr"></span> tough<span class="wbr"></span> tackling,<span class="wbr"></span> dimpling<span class="wbr"></span> Irish<span class="wbr"></span> midfielder/manager,<span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span> could<span class="wbr"></span> never<span class="wbr"></span> BE<span class="wbr"></span> him.<span class="wbr"></span> It<span class="wbr"></span> would<span class="wbr"></span> make<span class="wbr"></span> the<span class="wbr"></span> shagging<span class="wbr"></span> REALLY<span class="wbr"></span> weird.<span class="wbr"></span> <img src="http://staticak.fluxstatic.com/-/Clients/Common/Img/RTE/smiley/alpha/oops.gif&quot; alt="oops" title="oops" width="16" height="16"> <span class="wbr"></span> Instead,<span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span> would<span class="wbr"></span> be<span class="wbr"></span> Ben<span class="wbr"></span> Foster<span class="wbr"></span> -<span class="wbr"></span> and<span class="wbr"></span> become<span class="wbr"></span> United's<span class="wbr"></span> number<span class="wbr"></span> one<span class="wbr"></span> GK,<span class="wbr"></span> and<span class="wbr"></span> England's<span class="wbr"></span> number<span class="wbr"></span> one<span class="wbr"></span> GK,<span class="wbr"></span> and<span class="wbr"></span> then<span class="wbr"></span> become<span class="wbr"></span> the<span class="wbr"></span> greatest<span class="wbr"></span> GK<span class="wbr"></span> that<span class="wbr"></span> the<span class="wbr"></span> world<span class="wbr"></span> has<span class="wbr"></span> ever<span class="wbr"></span> known.<span class="wbr"></span> <img src="http://staticak.fluxstatic.com/-/Clients/Common/Img/RTE/smiley/alpha/sun.gif&quot; alt="sun" title="sun" width="22" height="22">

  11. goalkeeperette says:

    *squeezes biceps and says hello* ;) I would be Cesc. I would stare at myself naked for a good hour after waking up next to my beautiful girlfriend, chat via Skype with my super funny sister and super nice parents, drive my posh car to the Emirates, get changed (staring at my naked self whilst doing so, of course), boss the Arsenal boys around the pitch (because it's a damn important match against ManUnited today), tackle Cristiano Ronaldo, score the winning goal against them, celebrate at the corner flag by humping Theo and RvP, blatantly stare at Nicklas Bendtner's naked butt in the shower and give it a loud smack, all the while talking with a cute Spanish accent. Yup, I could live with that! ^^

  12. Lola says:

    Hmmm… Initially being Messi sounds appealing, I'd get to have Antonella… but surely the only advantages of being male are being tall and being able to handle your drink, so maybe not.I have no idea who I'd be, but StevieG sounds like a fairly good option. His girls are the cutest thing ever.

  13. Helle (Footiegirl) says:

    Wonderful choice – Stevie G! Being Captain Fantastic couldn’t be all bad… Oh Nina, THAT is a very good choice too.. Being Pepe muct be a life full of fun. I would want to be Xabi because then I’d be kicked down by the other players all the time. That gotta hurt…

  14. Baby Freya (Mrs Arbe says:

    OMG! Hard question…who would I be? I think I'd be Cesc Fabregas because he is captian of a team of Arse boys who have potential but don't fill it, he is Spanish so he has cool Spanish friends like Nando and Xabi, he's cute and he has so much fun!

  15. Elise says:

    Well, I suppose if I was actually going to *be* a footballer, I'd have to be Frank Lampard so I could love all over John Terry all day!!! Also, I'd like to know what it's like to be Jose Mourinho for a day. :)

  16. FootballerChick43 - says:

    Hm.<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> I<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> didn't<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> expect<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> it<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> to<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> be<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Stevie<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> G,<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> but<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> I<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> totally<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> respect<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> that<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> choice.<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Just<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> proves<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> that<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> there<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> are<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> a<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> few<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> guys<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> out<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> there<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> who<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> aren't<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> absolute<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> asses.And<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> being<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> 5'7"<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> isn't<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> so<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> bad.<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Okay,<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> I'm<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> 5'4".<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Whatever.<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Its<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> still<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> not<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> bad<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> as<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> long<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> as<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> you<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> can<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> jump.Given<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> the<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> choice,<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> I<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> would<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> probably<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> choose<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> someone<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> like<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Kaka<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> or<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> (obvious<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> choice<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> with<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> my<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> username)<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Michael<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Ballack.

  17. justlikexabi says:

    I would be Xabi. see my user name, that's why.

  18. Avenath says:

    Good choice with Stevie G…though am not sure if i'd do Alex (even if she has improved of late)…

  19. Bake My Socks says:

    “Speaking of which

  20. misslfc says:

    i wouldnt be a football id just be alex curran haha :p

  21. Wazza's Freckle says:

    I've<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> never<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> wanted<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> to<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> be<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> a<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> man.<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Or<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> a<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> football<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> player.<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> But<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> I'd<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> be<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> a<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> manager.<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Can<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> I<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> stay<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> who<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> I<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> am<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> and<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> be<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> the<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> first<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> woman<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> to<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> manage<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> her<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> team<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> to<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> the<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> English<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Treble?<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Or<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> a<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> World<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> Cup<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN> victory?<SPAN class="wbr"></SPAN>

  22. gunner-chica says:

    oo..this is good..hmm..let's see.definately nobody married like becks(although i love him,but i don't wanna be married to posh either *shivers*) my first choice would probably be iker..then cesc..then xabi..yeah..i have a thing for the spanish hehe.thierry is alright as well.gerrard definately not for me,he always seems stuck up to me,i dunno..hmm .)

  23. goalkeeperette says:

    Btw do you really think that THIS is a low hairline? Go take a look at Ever Banega, that guy doesn't have anything that deserves to be called forehead! YIKES!!

  24. Candide says:

    LOL haha MXA! man love with Xabi is the perfect reason to be Stevie. what other reason could there be? It wouldn't be bad to be Beckham because he has such adorable kids…but that's a very female thing to say…hmmm, I agree with Carly, I can't imagine NOT being a woman.

  25. striker says:

    excellent choice and analysis!

  26. Pingu says:

    goood choice. he also straddles fernando torres on a weekly basis.

  27. xhanna08x says:

    I love this man so much. No Joke. I think he is the best footballer in the world and a real role model for people. He has stuck with one club because he is passionate about Liverpool and wants success. I totally agree with this choice and tbh im not suprised.

  28. aristeia says:

    I'm entirely biased, but Stevie's a wonderful choice. And just think, you can go out and sing karaoke drunk or get angry when they won't play Phil Collins. ;P I think I'd be Gigi. He's someone I adore, respect and am in awe at constantly. He's incredibly loyal and gets upset when he's not at his best or his team is not at their best and I love that. He also is a super friendly guy who tries to make nice w/ everyone even in the middle of handbags or comforts opponents who miss scoring on him. Aw. Plus, Alena is HOT. I love the Offside! I go to the Roma blog everyday. :D

  29. Ali says:

    I<span class="wbr"></span> think<span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span> would<span class="wbr"></span> like<span class="wbr"></span> to<span class="wbr"></span> be<span class="wbr"></span> a<span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span> combination<span class="wbr"></span> of<span class="wbr"></span> Ryan<span class="wbr"></span> Babel<span class="wbr"></span> and<span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span> Andres<span class="wbr"></span> Iniesta.<span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span> would<span class="wbr"></span> have<span class="wbr"></span> the<span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span> best<span class="wbr"></span> official website ever! <span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span> would<span class="wbr"></span> be<span class="wbr"></span> a<span class="wbr"></span> super<span class="wbr"></span> nice<span class="wbr"></span> guy<span class="wbr"></span> but<span class="wbr"></span> if<span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span> somebody<span class="wbr"></span> wanted<span class="wbr"></span> beef,<span class="wbr"></span> well<span class="wbr"></span> come<span class="wbr"></span> on<span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span> like<span class="wbr"></span> it<span class="wbr"></span> with<span class="wbr"></span> some<span class="wbr"></span> pepper,<span class="wbr"></span> homie.<span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span> And<span class="wbr"></span> I'd<span class="wbr"></span> be<span class="wbr"></span> able<span class="wbr"></span> to<span class="wbr"></span> score<span class="wbr"></span> sick<span class="wbr"></span> goals<span class="wbr"></span> against<span class="wbr"></span> chelsea<span class="wbr"></span> <img src="http://staticak.fluxstatic.com/-/Clients/Common/Img/RTE/smiley/alpha/sun.gif&quot; alt="sun" title="sun" height="22" width="22"> sweet post :)

  30. boo says:

    I'd be Smudge. or Agger..or Scholes..can't make my mind between looks and skills..or Lampsy for he doesn't get injured really. hmm maybe Gudjonsen? he talks nice and has the looks and some skillz , sure there's bench polishing=more time for his family. (and i still don't get all the StevieG love, some of it yes, but not all)

  31. Malin ("MrsFern says:

    Oh, and I forgot. *squeezes Daryl's biceps* There.

  32. Malin ("MrsFern says:

    Oh<span class="wbr"></span> dear.<span class="wbr"></span> Many<span class="wbr"></span> choices<span class="wbr"></span> here.<span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span> would<span class="wbr"></span> like<span class="wbr"></span> to<span class="wbr"></span> be<span class="wbr"></span> Matteo<span class="wbr"></span> Brighi.<span class="wbr"></span> Skillful,<span class="wbr"></span> hard<span class="wbr"></span> working,<span class="wbr"></span> soft<span class="wbr"></span> spoken,<span class="wbr"></span> commited<span class="wbr"></span> to<span class="wbr"></span> his<span class="wbr"></span> team,<span class="wbr"></span> not<span class="wbr"></span> the<span class="wbr"></span> asshole<span class="wbr"></span> type.

  33. UqUr_sErGiO??? says:

    Great Article ok I don’t know if you know him, but i’d love to be Ugur Boral (look up for his name in google ok, he’s in turkey’s best football club, he’s absolutely hot (well, i think so ) and he’s wanted from Sevilla and Blackburn Rovers okIf not him, i would love to be Sergio Ramos, cause he’s the only footballer that does not look weird with a LV bag and is so HOT with a long hair ok

  34. Lolinha says:

    I’d be Casillas. Captain of the Spanish NT, long & solid career in one of the best teams, the best goalkeeper (as far as I’m concerned, though this season wasn’t exactly stellar) and saint status among the fans. Plus he’s a Spanish speaking god with a big heart and a good head on his shoulders. Great article :) No air kisses from me since this is a football related community… *womanpiles Daryl*

  35. Rebecca says:

    I was supposed to write what Genevieve Gourcuff already had written: Yoann Gourcuff. I would just stare at myself in the mirror ;)

  36. carly says:

    I can’t possibly imagine not being a woman, so I would never be any footballer. But I’d definitely be a luvvah *wink*

  37. Malin ("MrsFernandoTorres", if I may) says:

    Oh, and I forgot. *squeezes Daryl’s biceps* There.

  38. Malin ("MrsFernandoTorres", if I may) says:

    Oh dear. Many choices here. I would like to be Matteo Brighi. Skillful, hard working, soft spoken, commited to his team, not the asshole type.

  39. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    "I reserve the right to get proper drunk like a proper man."

    LOL LOL LOL Poor Messi really is viewed as a child or to me a creepy little fella.

    I think I’d be Yoann Gourcuff. Just to see what it’s like to be that damn pretty all the time *sigh*

    I think Stevie is a good choice. Plus you’d have a kick arse accent and get to indulge in man love with Xabi :)

  40. carly says:

    I can’t possibly imagine not being a woman, so I would never be any footballer. But I’d definitely be a luvvah *wink*

  41. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    "I reserve the right to get proper drunk like a proper man."

    LOL LOL LOL Poor Messi really is viewed as a child or to me a creepy little fella.

    I think I’d be Yoann Gourcuff. Just to see what it’s like to be that damn pretty all the time *sigh*

    I think Stevie is a good choice. Plus you’d have a kick arse accent and get to indulge in man love with Xabi :)