June 3rd, 2009
Footballer Fantasy: Who Would You Be?
This post is brought to you from Daryl over at The Offside. Please welcome him with an air kiss and a firm squeeze of his biceps.
From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a professional footballer: fame, fast cars, women, money. Lots and lots of money. Oh, and football. Mustn’t forget the football.
The one small problem with this ambition is that I was never even close to being good enough. So, my only hope for professional footballer-dom lies in some sort of mysterious Freaky Friday-style body swap. Not sure exactly how it would happen, I’m assuming some sort of lightning strike. But when it finally does, which player would I like to wake up as?
Let’s start with David Beckham. Old Goldenballs’ life looks mighty appealing on the surface. He’s possibly the most famous man in the world after Barack Obama. But there’s such a thing as being too well known, and every Becks blessing is also a bit of a curse. For example…
Becks has 100+ England caps and all the money you could ever want, but his footballing days are numbered and what could I possibly buy that he doesn’t already own? Sure, he’s friends with movie stars and girls seem to like him. But said movie star friend is Tom Cruise, and what use is being ladybait if you’re married to Posh Spice with no chance of parole? So, sadly, I’ll pass.
Next up: Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s got the skillz to pay the billz, and seems to work plenty of suntan and lady time into his schedule. Plus he’s already so despised for his arrogance that being C-Ron would be a great chance to unleash my dormant dark-side by accepting that a certain section of people are always going to hate you and just going balls out 100% bad boy.
Plan would be as follows: Show no respect for anyone ever again because I am the C-Ron now and I don’t have to. See how much partying you can do before Fergie gets upset enough to mention it. Forget about winning football matches, just target one full-back and set out to make him cry before 90 minutes is up.
And, if a member of the press or public asks a question simply respond with “I only talk to millionaires, not normals like you. Now where’s that group of hookers I hired…?” I’m genuinely scared of what I’d become in C-Ron’s shoes. Maybe not a good idea then.
How about nice guy Leo Messi? All the skills of C-Ron (and maybe more) but universally loved. I could enjoy his career with Barca & Argentina (which has well over a decade and multiple medals still left to run) and be nice to everyone I meet along the way.
Only downside is his size. I’m not sure I could handle being 5’7” all of a sudden. Not just because reaching things would suddenly require asking for help, but because everyone seems to view little Lionel as a cute little child.
I’m sure he does fine with the ladies, but I’ll bet he’s heard the “oh, I saw us more as friends” speech more than once. Or at least he did before he was famous. And even when drunk, he seems more like a dizzy toddler who wants a lollipop than anything else. I reserve the right to get proper drunk like a proper man.
Speaking of which… I think given the choice, I’d be Stevie Gerrard. And here’s why: He’s at the peak of his career, playing for a team he loves, and – maybe most importantly – still has that one big ambition of leading Liverpool to the Premier League title left to fulfill. Nothing like having a purpose in life. The man’s got money and celebrity, but still dresses like regular people, and is married to the one über- WAG (learned that word while writing this, btw) everyone seems to agree is actually quite agreeable. [Ed note: Alex Gerrard has come a long way, huh Kickettes?]
Last but definitely not least, Stevie’s comically low hairline is the closest thing mother nature offers as a cast-iron guarantee against baldness in later life.
We doubt there is anyone out there that loves the beautiful game and doesn’t know The Offside and their stellar group of footy blogs. We have a soft spot for the crew at TO, as they were one of the first sites to show Kickette love back in the day when we had frizzy perms and court shoes. Make sure you visit them on a daily basis! (Of course, the World Cup Blog is the place to go if you’re having withdrawal symptoms from the big NT games – get all your updates there.)