September 26th, 2011

Kickette Fail Files: A Torrid Ten Minutes For Torres

Stamford Bridge. 15.29. Fernando scores only the third competitive goal of his Chelsea career. He is happy. Image: Clive Rose/Getty Images.

It doesn’t get any easier for Nandina in the EPL. After last week’s glimpse of the old Torres was eclipsed by the new one’s howling miss later in the game, we imagined it couldn’t get any worse for our freckled friend.

Then it did.

Image: Clive Rose/Getty Images.

Stamford Bridge. 15.30. A special hug from JT incorporating the now ubiquitous thumb point at the shirt for ID purposes (plus a little peak at the shelf-booty we know and love) seems to hint that a return to glory is now moments away.

Image: Clive Rose/Getty Images.

Stamford Bridge. 15.39. Sadly, the only return that Nando is going to be making is to the locker room after he is sent off. Fortunately, he has a rolled up copy of GQ magazine in his shorts to read while he’s in there.

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43 Responses to “Kickette Fail Files: A Torrid Ten Minutes For Torres”

  1. learn more says:

    Torres the great man from Spain again proved his finishing ability to the goals in this match. I always be thrilled to watch his moves and All the best for his future match to make thrill his fans across the world inclusive of me.

  2. FootyCookie says:

    i'm only here cus i still can't deny his booty. that is all lol

    also, great job on noticing the GQ magz he was hiding in his shorts, ladies. it's all about details.

  3. Alice says:

    Okay I feel kind of bad, but all I can think about is how great his hair looks (the lighter shade just looks better to me) and…I'm just going to say the third picture has a nice thing to focus on, if you get what I'm saying ;)

  4. AnnaB says:

    I think he is just gorgeous at the moment and even with that awful mistake he is stil so fine… red card or not! I can see his confidence growing big time and am absolutely sure he will be back to his best once this red card slip up is over. Lets hope he is back in La Roja- I have been a major fan of his since the 2006 World Cup and want to see him back where he belongs…

  5. IrishBlue says:

    Hellooooo to whatever is in Nando's shorts!!!!!

    Anyway as a massive Chelsea fan, I admit he deserved the red card. When you slide in the way he did, ya gotta go no question.

    I just feel sorry for him having to suffer all this criticism when he actuallly really is improving .

  6. molly says:

    i think he needs to fix his hair…

  7. Joan says:

    he surely does have sth in his pants, what can it be? GQ? really? :P

  8. Amy says:

    "Fortunately, he has a rolled up copy of GQ magazine in his shorts to read while he’s in there." ohhh Kickette, you truly never fail.

  9. Shelley says:

    He's got better on the pitch since he went blonde again. And looks wise I prefer him blonde too – a win win situation!! LOL

    • mimi says:

      Me too. I think, he looks "special" with his blond long hair.

    • DebS says:

      Same here. I swear it was the Samson theory….he cut off the locks and his form dipped. Now that it's growing back and is going back blonde, the form is returning.

      I like the blonde makes the freckles stand out more, imo.

  10. Miss Lampard says:

    I'll take all this minutes of Fernando Torres, I would have sold my soul in order to bring him back..Something is going in the right way and I was close to break in tears when I saw the goal. He's still pure MAGIC!!

  11. Rachelle says:

    I just don't have the heart to make fun of him anymore. Yes, he broke my heart when he went to the Bridge, but really, what with the new 'Leo' tattoo:….

    …and the repeated short tent displays (surely Nando deserves his own category by now in that department), I confess myself powerless. Pray to God he doesn't go back to the sexy short brown hair look, or I really will fall over the edge.

  12. chay says:

    I am not a chelsea follower and so have been surprised he is back to his blondie locks ways; i was enjoying his shorter, more natural look. Anyhow, having said that, i'm digging the short tent!!

  13. Hot4Spurs says:

    I'm so glad he scored again! I don't even care that much that he was sent off even though it should have been just a yellow card. I wish so called fans would stop giving him and Andy Carroll a hard time.

    • Kat22 says:

      Erm…sorry, but how exactly should it have been just a yellow?? One of my colleagues is a die-hard Chelsea supporter and even he said the red was justified.

      • Kat22 says:


        I don't dislike Fernando. Not at all. But rules are rules. Maybe some people on here should have a look at them before watching their next game of footy.

        • Kat22 says:

          Just to add: If positions had been reversed and an opposing player had tackled Fernando in that way you'd all be shouting and screaming how it was a justified red. Let's face it – a tackle like that can break a player's leg. But of course you'd have to take your rose-coloured spectacles off and look past a player's good looks for that. :-)

          • Hot4Spurs says:

            Actually, I'm not a big Torres or Chelsea fan. I see players get away with a yellow card for much worse. Sorry I touched a nerve Kat22.

            Actually, I don't apologize! I stand by my opinion. And it must be your own opinion that Torres is good looking because I never mention his looks. Thank you very much. Good day to you! ;)

            • Kat22 says:

              Hey, I'm not expecting you to apologise! Good to have a discussion…

              I agree that players sometimes get away with things they should really be booked for, but that still doesn't make it right does it. Referees are only human as well – most of them anyway ;-) – and if they see challenges like that players should be booked.

              They argue that once a player is in the air, with both feet off the ground, they are unable to withdraw from the challenge, which could have serious consequences for the opposing player. Did Gower make a bit of a meal out of it? Sure. Is Fernando a dirty player? No. But at the end of the day I still think the red card was justified.

              But you are of course entitled to your opinion. At least you're able to have a bit of an intelligent discussion about it instead of using the thumbs-down. :-)

            • Kat22 says:


              Everybody knows Fernando is good looking! ;-)

              Seriously though – never meant you with that!!!!! I was referring to all those people who just constantly thumb down posts without actually bothering to comment.

              Friends? :-)

    • mashedtorres says:

      that is a straight red my dear. which ever way we see it. two footed lunge with studs up. it was careless, it was unintentional, it was a mistake and it was a good call from the referee.
      if that tackle happens to nando, we would probably screaming for a red card too.

    • April says:

      Yes, unfortunately two feet with studs up is the qualifier on that. He did try to pull a leg out a little bit, but that is exactly why it falls in the red category, because once both feet are up it's damn near impossible to pull out (mind out of the gutter, ladies).

      Had it been one foot, he would have had yellow at most, because really the only contact was with his arm, as he did lift his right leg out of the way. Watching replays, I think he was already in the air when the Swansea player lunged in for the ball, so not sure he expected that (and not sure the Swansea guy saw him, or he had a death wish for his ankle), but that is why he shouldn't attempt such tackles. Love Torres, but he doesn't come clean on tackles all that often. It looked a lot like his move against Leverkusen that earned him a yellow.

      In better news, he is missing 3 EPL games that aren't considered the most difficult opponents, though I don't count them out. And he may get to start the Champions League games to keep up momentum. So not all is lost here, and I am really surprised that this is his first red of EPL football (first ever straight red).

      • Hot4Spurs says:

        Thanks for commenting without attacking my knowledge of football. I appreciate that! :)

        • Kat22 says:

          I'm guessing this was aimed at me? Actually I didn't even mean you, I was referring to all the fangirls who just constantly thumb-down every post that doesn't sing Fernando's praise.

        • April says:

          Yellow was my first instinct too, because of the lack of contact and the attempt to withdraw from the challenge, and because technically it was a 50/50 and Torres was already going in for it when Gower also stretched in (and then decided to take the foul through Nando's arm… corroborated by Gower's statement and Nando's below). I learned about that rule from this call after reading up about it, so it is a learning experience for us all!

          Reaction from Torres:…

          FYI- have paid no mind as to whether EPL has its own rules or follows FIFA reffing or if they even have a choice, but I can say as someone that once took the FIFA Referee qualification (and failed by 1 point first time around) that there are a LOT of little tidbits and things us average fans never know until you run into the situation. That test was hard! Granted I took it in middle school… which may be why I remember, well, nothing.

  14. cisarovna says:

    It was right to send him off, but unfortunate timing as he is just regaining his form. Perhaps he can start the CL matches, while Drogba starts the league matches. I am not a big Chelsea fan, but this guy really cannot catch a break, I almost pity him… almost.

    Does anyone know if they will appeal to have the ban shortened (presumably due to limited contact)? I am not advocating, just curious…

    • Kat22 says:

      My colleague (who is a big Chelsea supporter) says he can't see it, because there is no grounds for appeal and in some cases it can apparently result in an extended ban for a frivolous appeal or something like that?

      Don't quote me though. :-)

  15. mimi says:

    He´s going better and better. And his hair lighter and ligther. And he still looks delicious on the pitch. Shame about the stupid tackle and about the miss from last week, but it´s football you know. Mistakes happen to every player.

    • tara says:

      i kinda like his dark hair better… but if it makes him play better… no i'm not willing to give that up

  16. Sarah, Madrid says:

    That's why attackers shouldn't do defensive duties…

    I feel sorry for Torres, it is Like he gains his moment back one minute then the next it is gone…However, overall so far Torres looks much sharper than last season, alot is on the line for Fernando, including his position too in La Roja..

  17. Tina says:

    It seems, he's so desperate to prove all the critics wrong (and maybe fight the critics in his own head) that he tries too hard and then makes such stupid mistakes. It was a red card, but at the end of the day the only person he harmed was himself. His form and confidence are slowly coming back, but he gave up his place in the starting XI and will watch the next matches from the stands.

    On a lighter note, did anyone see the photo of the Torres family walking home from the Bridge on Saturday? Leo is unbearably cute!

  18. Zoraida says:

    i don't think he should be in the fail files.. he's having a great season so far. all this media frenzy has to stop already, cuz it's not even funny anymore.
    and im not fangirling or anything, it's just the truth.

  19. Kat22 says:

    I'm sorry, but both feet off the floor, studs showing, is a red card all day long. Does not matter if there was intent or not, doesn't matter if the other player made a meal out of the challenge or not. The referee had no choice – he had to show the red card. It was a stupid, unnecessary and dangerous tackle.

  20. jelena says:

    i dont care. about the miss or the red (which was his first straight red in english football). he is looking sharp, determined and yeah, hot as hell. and now that the goals have started it wont be long before he claims his rightful place on the FF list (booty and not-so-short tents included).